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My Stepdaughter the Narcissist

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lighter:
Oh, Bean.  How difficult and chaotic things are for you right now.

I can only remind you of healthy boundaries and holding them.

If adult children make choices... they make them.  You can't change them and neither can your husband.

What you can do is state and hold new boundaries, to keep you and your DH safe, then follow through with consequences, whatever you feel is necessary.

It's not an option to allow the girls to give their asthmatic father coronavirus.  It's not your job to do anything but wish the girls well and take good care of yourselves.

You and your DH can always say.... "Let us know how that works out for you" instead of reacting to the provocative things the girls say about getting covid 19.  It does seem like you're hearing things meant to shock and upset.  In any case, you can't control what they do or think. 

Accepting you can't change it would be helpful to your mental health, IME.  What does worrying to to help it?  Nothing. 

Doing what you can.... sending letters or messages about safety was a choice and you did that. 

The girls are reacting. 

Your advice seems wise and appropriate.  Is there anything else you can do?  Putting boundaries in place around the girls and grandkids exposing or not exposing you and your DH seems reasonable. 

Once you;ve done everything you can think of.... maybe go back to doing what you enjoy.. and trying to get your DH to put the problem on the shelf for now too.  Worrying doesn't help anything.  It weakens your immune system and makes it more difficult to be responsive when you need to, IME.

Making peace with not seeing the grandkids for a while seems necessary.  What can you do to keep in touch with them... so you have joy and connection?

I really believe accepting the girl's choices will help you and your DH think more clearly and problem solve more logically through this.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Hi Bean! I think I remember you. My life has changed quite a lot since you were last here. I kinda blog about it - or complain about it - variously, on the Farm Doins thread.

But relative to the situation you find yourself in, my 42 yr old D is now living with me; we're building her a house on my property. She is pretty much a drama queen; yes, angry at times... beyond reason angry; and that's been stressing me out. Not so much AT me, as at the problems in her head she's working out.

But I know she's smart enough to work through most of her issues; with the shutdowns... no one's working, so she didn't have to scramble to figure out what to do. We already had a plan in place. The upsets kinda go in cycles around here. Not that I've been able to clearly see what the cycle is - or what prompts things to go south in such a big way. The "mom reflex" - to take her stuff on, as my own problem and try to help her sort it out... seems to be unavoidable for me. Just as it is, frankly - for her - in reverse.

I DO find myself talking a lot more about boundaries these days. And she is taking in the pertinant information and processing it. And somehow, we seem to keep on rolling and adapting around here, maybe because of our long-ago agreement that no matter how angry she makes me, or how stressed and uncomfortable I am by what gets laid out in front of me... that I still love her, and we're on the same side.

I think she's working on the kernel of co-dependence that's been an issue for her for some time. And it doesn't really help that I have my own battle/struggle with it. So we kinda hobble on together through it. And I think her definition of certain terms is also kinda changing. Makes it hard to be a parent sometimes.

When all that happens, the only antidote I know works, is to "check out" of the group activities here on the farm... and back into my own personal life... and my dreams, hopes, and druthers. I will put time & energy focus into people who aren't doing that particular thing or following those paths. Give myself a chance to just be ME for awhile. Maybe something like that would help you? I dunno.

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: bean2 on May 02, 2020, 12:37:07 PM ---Twoapenny,
You are spot on about keeping space.  Space, when dealing with a narcissist, can mean the difference between life and death.

It is OK, actually essential, to say to an N "OK, I hear you and I'm sorry I hurt you, but this is not my stuff to carry, so I'll take back my space now.  Thank you."

Right now I feel like the extra space is filling my brain with Anxiety, and I feel the need for more control than I normally want, and now I'm worried about taking care of an adult child.

I should have probably clarified, my oldest stepdaughter relies on us financially to the point my husband is a co-signer on her apartment, since she divorced her husband, she doesn't make enough money to qualify for a place by herself.  And she makes no attempt to find friends she could live with, and split expenses with.  Her plan has always been and likely always will be "Dad."  (I knew this when I married my husband, it is not a big deal).  It doesn't bother me, however, when she pretty boldly told her Dad and I "I'm not worried about getting Coronavirus....if I get it I will survive" all the parental insticts of both me and her Dad kicked in.  I mean into high gear.  Her ex-husband, who she shares her kids with is diabetic and likely won't survive the virus if he gets it.

Second thing significant and of note:  This kid is recently out of drug and alcohol rehab, she only barely missed going to prison just two years ago.  She almost lost custody of her kids.  Don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful person who made a mistake - all of us do - but there's a back story to the "advice."  It's funny, we goto church and the pastor says "raise your hand if you have kids."  My husband and I don't raise our hands.  Then the pastor says "raise your hands if you're done raising your kids because they're out of your house."  We raise our hands.  OK, the pastor says, you are still a parent.  Parentlng is for life.  This is so true.  Harder if you're a stepparent.

So the advice...It seems mean but maybe it's kind considering we are her backup plan.  I read an article that 40% of millenials go to Mom and Dad for financial help at times.  That is a lot of adult "kids" relying on their parents!

Also, I was not unkind.  I simply said her and her sister should call their Dad, since he's terrified of getting coronavirus cause he has asthma.  She is Miss Attitude, like "I will not try to Not get it and I don't care if I give it to my kids -  I read an article that women and kids survive it." My thought:  this is the irresponsible and disrepectful attitude that got her into trouble before (with the drugs).   

In some ways, I feel like she is anti-social and just goes against the norm to be unique.   Does this make sense? 

See where "advice" leads.  Now I need advice from those here.  lol
ugh

bean

--- End quote ---

It's a difficult one, Bean, and I think it can be hard to know where to draw the line between caring, helping out and just generally being 'family' and what you consider unacceptable behaviour and how you want to deal with that.  It sounds like the safest thing at the moment is for you to stick no contact until the virus risk has passed, given that she's not willing to take precautions, so that your hubby isn't at risk.  It's hard knowing people aren't taking it seriously, and for many they can catch it and not become terribly ill.  I've put three friendships on hold since this started because their attitude p**sed me off so much that I just need to avoid them until this is all over because I don't need the extra stress or upset right now.  I need calm, considered, stress free interactions, not people who raise my blood pressure.  I had a similarly odd reaction from a friend who got very angry at me when I urged her to take care (she's of the opinion that nothing much is going on and the papers are making things up).  It's bizarre when people get angry when you're doing something that most people would see as caring so I don't know quite why it happens like that but it sounds as if not hearing from her for a while might be a blessing! You can only hope the kids don't catch it or that if they do, they aren't too sick with it.  Very tough situation for you xx

bean2:
Thank you lighter, sKeptiKal and Twopenny.  I read your replies and it had a surreal calming effect on me.  Just knowing people heard me and get it helps me so much.  I want to focus on these kinds words, and imagine your reassurance like a big hug from some old friends...and just let that feeling envelope me.

I will reply later, I loved the posts so much I will reread them a few more times this week, and just focus on the positives, like you all said.

bean

Hopalong:
Hi Bean,
I fell short when you asked for help, I'm sorry.

What I thought when I read about your N situation was just a sorrowful:
--You can't change a narcissist.
--You can ONLY change how you react and take care of yourself in their presence.

I spent years proving to myself and others that my mother was an N, and explaining to anyone who was interested what I'd learned, from reading tons of articles and books about Nism. It was helpful to me to talk about it with a trusted few, but it didn't change her.

It never could. So all I was left with was learning to set boundaries clearly and calmly and act on them, not expect anyone else to leap to my side saying "You're right! She's wrong!", and do the long hard therapy work of reclaiming my sense of self. To begin to realize that my boundaries were porous and mushy because she'd raised me and that the only solution was not going to be anger, but emotional detachment.

There are actually some very good videos on YouTube about narcissism and how to better protect yourself. Just type "narcissism" into the YT search box and explore. Dr. Todd Grande has some very matter of fact ones on how to react and how to interact with an N in ways that help you not get triggered or sucked in.

I do think one very big release was when I accepted that in these situations, a narcisssist or N-enablers would never see it as I did. Never fully understand what I saw. Never recognize quite how damaging it was to be in a toxic dance with an N.

I think all you can do in a family situation with an N, is learn step by step how to disengage and release the idea of winning or getting them to change. YOUR peace, YOUR state of mind, YOUR ability to detach, is what you can work on.

What do you think you want to do? Do you have the ability to see a therapist to get regular 3-D support as you work through all this? We can always chime in too, but nothing beats an ally in the real.

Hope for you,
Hops

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