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When it's SHAME

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Hopalong:
Thanks, CB. I've read books that show a silver lining in ADD for some...the main thing I recognize is major hyper-focus when it comes to writing or editing.

My difficulties aren't about not knowing steps or classic pragmatic tips ("set a timer" and "build in rewards" and "break large tasks into small steps"). They are more about two things, I think:

--When I do start domestic things, I turn into a hummingbird and suddenly my focus evaporates, so tasks once begun are often unfinished, left out, abandoned. Not always but much too often (especially repellent or scary tasks, chiefly paperwork).

--Motivation and will. When I was younger I used to start and maintain exercise programs periodically with fair success. Not any more although I did order some basic equipment that is easy to use, and have a recumbent bike sitting out.

I think the second issue is mostly emotional. When I moved into this house 8 years ago I was full of excitement. Since I lost my D around the same time, a lot of my interest in my own dreams evaporated. Including my own creative writing, which is a disaster to abandon, because it's the one thing that feels like pure purpose and joy, ONCE I START.

My room when I was young was such a wreck that my desperate mother would take pictures of it to show her guests. Speaking of shaming....LOL!

Actually, although untidy, the house is clean now and I'm up to date in the kitchen and have a friend coming to patio-sit later. So I'm feeling some good vibes about my home today.

The garden has been very hit or miss. Blossom end rot on all the tomatoes because of my inconsistent watering. When I start a garden I'm full of zeal, but it almost always hits the same wall as other domestic projects that require sustained attention. And if I'm not careful, I feel a huge sense of failure and shame when it does.

Thanks for thinking about it, CB. I think it's part ADD and part failure of will and part grief and part laziness and part rebellion and part...there must be more!

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 05, 2020, 01:17:01 PM ---Thanks, CB. I've read books that show a silver lining in ADD for some...the main thing I recognize is major hyper-focus when it comes to writing or editing.

My difficulties aren't about not knowing steps or classic pragmatic tips ("set a timer" and "build in rewards" and "break large tasks into small steps"). They are more about two things, I think:

--When I do start domestic things, I turn into a hummingbird and suddenly my focus evaporates, so tasks once begun are often unfinished, left out, abandoned. Not always but much too often (especially repellent or scary tasks, chiefly paperwork).

--Motivation and will. When I was younger I used to start and maintain exercise programs periodically with fair success. Not any more although I did order some basic equipment that is easy to use, and have a recumbent bike sitting out.

I think the second issue is mostly emotional. When I moved into this house 8 years ago I was full of excitement. Since I lost my D around the same time, a lot of my interest in my own dreams evaporated. Including my own creative writing, which is a disaster to abandon, because it's the one thing that feels like pure purpose and joy, ONCE I START.

My room when I was young was such a wreck that my desperate mother would take pictures of it to show her guests. Speaking of shaming....LOL!

Actually, although untidy, the house is clean now and I'm up to date in the kitchen and have a friend coming to patio-sit later. So I'm feeling some good vibes about my home today.

The garden has been very hit or miss. Blossom end rot on all the tomatoes because of my inconsistent watering. When I start a garden I'm full of zeal, but it almost always hits the same wall as other domestic projects that require sustained attention. And if I'm not careful, I feel a huge sense of failure and shame when it does.

Thanks for thinking about it, CB. I think it's part ADD and part failure of will and part grief and part laziness and part rebellion and part...there must be more!

hugs
Hops

--- End quote ---

((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))  Do also keep in mind you've just broken up with M.  That wasn't an easy decision for you to make and you must be missing him - not all the stuff, I know, but the good bits were good.  Plus we have a fairly major global situation going on that isn't letting anyone sleep easy in their beds.  And if the worst thing you can say about yourself is that you don't always finish what you start then I think there are plenty out there doing far worse :)  It's easy to start a project, everyone has energy and enthusiasm at the beginning.  But housework isn't the most enjoyable passtime (for me at any rate) and neither's paperwork, so going off in search of something a bit more interesting isn't the most unreasonable response xx

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: CB123 on August 05, 2020, 12:21:06 PM ---Hops,

So many really wonderful thoughtful answers from Skep and Tupp this morning. I was even soothed by their perspectives.

Most of my family have struggled with this--both my ex and myself, and both of our FOO before us. And now several of my kids, some of which are ADD. The kids and I brainstorm a lot about it. The ones who struggle feel a lot of shame as well, but I was very relaxed about their rooms when they were teens and young adults. (Still am, with the son that lives with me--he's on the other side of the house so I never see it)

Can you pinpoint exactly how the ADD impacts your incapacity? Do you look at a mess that needs cleaning up and not know the steps to start? Or do you have a chore that you wander away from because you get distracted and can't stay on task? I have you come up with any little tricks that help?

I think that what you are struggling with feels isolating, like everyone else has their act together, but I dont think that's true. There seem to be so many books about it that it is something that a lot of people havent resolved.

I read an essay a couple of years ago that ADD is actually a throwback to a hunter-gatherer trait and is only labeled a problem because it doesnt work in our form of society. I was intrigued by that, and wondered what I could do to create something closer to what I naturally do. It was interesting to think about.

Much love,
CB

--- End quote ---

I've read similar about the hunter gatherer thing, CB, and a friend of mine has a son, lovely lad, who is diagnosed with ADHD, I think (I'm never sure if that's the same as ADD or a similar thing).  He'd been expelled from two schools by the time he was seven and she was told he was unteachable, her parenting was blamed (the fact her older daughter was sailing through school was ignored) and it was generally a horrible time for them.  They bought some land and set up a small off grid farm, both the kids were then home educated and every trace of her son's ADHD vanished - and only comes out when they have to go to something indoors and fairly rigid.  He rides tractors, gathers up animals, helps with the lambing and she's got some beautiful pictures of him nursing a poorly lamb back to health.  They resuscitated it when it was born as it wasn't breathing alone and it was very weak and poorly so her lad literally carried this little thing with him in a sling like a baby, fed her by hand, took her for cuddle time with her mum and kept her in his bed so she was warm and he could feed her through the night.  He's so loving and caring, very sensitive lad, he's lovely with my boy and yet if you read his old school reports he's this savage who can't be tamed.  It's very telling, and equally that some of us have found the lockdown much less stressful that normal life.  It's making me feel I need somewhere remote, the noise as everything opens up again is driving me mad.

And I agree with Skep, I think we can only focus on our own domain, or at least make that the priority.  People are pulling in different directions for different reasons right now and none of us is stretchy enough to cope with that, I think xx

Hopalong:
Tupp,
It's easy to detect how very deeply you have confronted and accepted and acquired wisdom about differences, especially the neurological/wiring kind. I feel I'm the beneficiary of not just your kindness, but also your years raising your precious son, which gives you real insight into the frustrations of other wiring issues such as ADD (nowhere near as big a learning curve as autism plus seizure disorder), which you accept as realistically as everything else. It's so refreshing and comforting. You're a human "safe space" for these kinds of things and it's true, that acceptance washes out shame in others. Thank you.

Plus, the paragraph you wrote about cleaning, your mum's life, and the cat falling down a step like a slinky was amazing. A gem of WRITING. I'm going to go read it again.

I could so relate to the young man with ADHD you described (the H is just for "hyperactivity", ironically, and I must be missing it for sure or the house would be cleaner! :)). I call mine the old-school plain ADD because I have the "inattentive" type. What's with these people? I'm extremely attentive...to 15 things at once!
I loved that story of his flourishing on a farm. I remember school as a torture for me. It wasn't physical restlessness in my case, as much as massive boredom, which in itself was a kind of torture. One exception: English class. I loved everything about words and writing and reading and diagramming sentences. Good thing, too, because since I flunked the ninth grade I got to do it all over again an extra year. Sometimes I think that was the silver lining in that painful experience (tiny school so getting mocked for being "held back" was rough) -- maybe I became a poet in part because I had that extra time to focus on writing?

Cat falling like a slinky. If only I could draw...I'd love a pic of them doing it side by side!

hugs
Hops

PS And thanks for reminding me I may still be in a grief phase over my breakup breakup with M, too. I have kind of overlooked that, because every day I still feel confident I made the right choice, reflecting back on personality conflict between us and how I reacted to it. At the same time it is still a loss of companionship and security, so you're right, I must be trying to process that too. I welcome the freedom from his strains of energy that were so hard to be around, but do miss the other elements that were delightful, and the confidence of knowing I'd reach old-old age in a safe way. My rational mind is okay with it all, so I forgot to tend the other parts that are seeing the future may not shape up the way I'd like; so be it.

Hopalong:
(((Amber)))--
The American shame piece..... For me it's not so much the crass uncivil behavior of members of the public...but the behavior of the government. I just don't see how people develop elevated ideals such as manners, civic duty, compassion and discipline when the government has its priorities backward and there's no central national habit of religion, which used to accomplish parts of that (not that I'm recommending repressive religions, hell no). You have to EDUCATE kids into admiring and emulating those qualities, and if their families feel no hope and live under huge stress in chaotic or culturally barren worlds, urban or rural, then blaming families all day long does not help, because without serious government support particularly to redress generational poverty....it cannot change. We get what we elect, and I should have been more awake to the local ramifications sooner.

That famous old 60's bumper sticker: What If You Had to Hold a Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber? For me that was brilliant. Military over mind development eventually results in unnecessary wars and lost potential of generations.

If we don't invest massively in outstanding public education for every child in EVERY zip code especially poor rural and inner city ones, with extra enrichment and cultural activities including whatever travel can be arranged for kids...then they don't learn critical thinking, aren't exposed to people and stimulation or mores outside the "tribe" they live in, and can turn out to be bigoted or addicted or abused or violence obsessed (with easy guns). It's old fashioned but I genuinely believe that in many cases the internet, TV, video games and porn have just totally f****ed up kids' minds and drained them of their naturally bold independent curiosity (you have to live in a neighborhood where it includes access to nature areas and it's safe to go outside and explore!-- speaking of government investment) and hope. That's where my sense of shame for the country comes from...our government's priorities, and how politicians and oligarchs and espeically mindless commercial media have raped us. Health care: obscene. Early child care: should be just as excellent as classrooms. Decent jobs and wages: must exist in every zip code. Every community should build a gorgeous (even if small) museum about ITSELF and its own true history good and bad, and an art gallery for locals talented or not, and a community garden, and places for kids to gather and do something creative and connected to the world besides shoot hoops. There should be creativity and excitement everywhere. Music and art and whole-community theater! Kids in W. Va should be Zooming with kids in Zimbabwe!

When I was a poet in the schools, particularly inner-city and Appalachian ones, it hit me over and over how naturally brilliant and creative kids are, and how tragic it was to see the excitement and dreams gradually fading as they got older in the kids who were obviously from poor backgrounds. Broke my heart daily. (The privileged suburban ones, from mostly upper-income white neighborhoods, were busy planning how they'd step right into roles of significance, security and satisfaction.) That imbalance is what American shame is about for me. Bake sales to buy pencils. Our VERY first principle is: All men people are created equal. It's time!

Rant, rant....but still, thank you so much for reminding me again that we can only live on our own mountains ultimately, at least on a daily basis. If I can tend to my mini-mountain with more serenity (ultimate ADD coping goal) then I'll also be more fit to go do something helpful in community afterward, since government can't/won't. At least for a while. It's going to take massive popular will to rebuild and I hope to god people pull together for a change. The pandemic is a lot like war, and if we could possibly respond with a sense of shared identity once we quit shaming each other (tribal conflict) as we did for WWII, then we could pull together and rebuild a country to be proud of that also owns and makes amends for the mistakes it's made. While restarting all kinds of innovation and drive and exciting promises. Green New Deal, paid national service year for all h.s. grads-- all the way!

hugs
Hops

PS No need to get into all these weeds with me--it's too much work, but I can enjoy my little rants all by myself! Kind of manic but fun. And wanted to add, since y'all are my journal...one of the main things that attracted me to UUism was how they teach kids world religions and sex. We have a curriculum that includes extensive visiting of OTHER places of worship, so they go to local black churches and feel that joyous energy and sing their throats out, go to the mosque and remove their shoes and listen to the Koran teaching and then get their hands painted with henna by young women in hijabs (while laughing with strangers and enjoying great food after during a potluck), go the synagogue and watch the rituals of Torah and listen to a strange language, Hebrew, and likewise wind up laughing with strangers and enjoying great food, go to a Catholic church or cathedral (bus trip) and smell incense and hear Latin and gorgeous choirs, etc.

All that takes MONEY, especially when to find a mosque or a mass you have to get them in a van or on a bus to a city, but it is SO worth it. They come back and present a service of their own every year, with lots of individual stories and thoughtful reflections and they are so inspiring to the rest of us.

About sex, we have a curriculum called OWL (Our Whole Lives) and it's demystified and loving and responsible and everyone I know who is a lifelong UU (rather than a transplant) talks about how formative that was.

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