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great Carolyn Hax moments

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Hopalong:
[the last line is priceless]

Q: Helpppp Meeeeee
Carolyn - I have read your columns and chats for several decades and I am 100% happier in my life having incorporated your advice. Thanks! I need some help. I moved back in with my 70ish year old parents, partly because I have a chronic illness and partly because they are 70ish and can't do everything by themselves. Ha, did you believe that? Cause I did! The truth is that my father does everything he is not supposed to do, all the time. This is after doctors' advice (plus some other peoples' advice) to stop, slow down, and ask for help. Guess who recently ripped his fingernail off and broke his finger putting his hand under the mower while it was running? Just for a second! Could have happened to anyone! Today the Tropical Storm is coming and suddenly he needs to clean every one of the gutters out before it gets here. WHY. This is after my mother and I spent a solid 30 mins convincing him not to mow the grass for various reasons. He agreed but then GUESS WHO HEARS THE LAWN MOWER RUNNING LATER IN THE DAY. Me. I hear the lawn mower running. WHO IS SUPERVISING HIM??? Not my mother since, as we've established, he doesn't listen to her either. Somehow I have adopted the worlds tallest toddler. There is a general idea in our house that, ha ha, this is how all men are in retirement and oh-well we just have to put up with that! Ha ha! They are all negligent and liars? I think we can expect better out of our retired men than this. I would be less frustrated if after these events that he creates for himself, he wasn't in pain. None of his body parts work correctly, which is a surprised to no one but him. If I remind him that cleaning all the gutters is going to make his shoulders hurt, like 3 weeks ago when all the the items in the attic had to be brought down and inspected - he says, Yup. As if, this is the price we pay to be human. He believes of this stuff to be NECESSARY and needs to be completed THIS SECOND. He is going to HURT himself. I do not believe this to be pandemic-related as he has never been able to sit still or relax. Is there someone we can get him to listen to and stop this madness? I'm so tired

A: Carolyn Hax
Why are you still trying?

Not a rhetorical question--I am genuinely curious. I can see it if his hurting himself would then present a serious problem for you and your mother, by, for example, demanding more care-giving than you're in a position to give, or creating severe financial hardship. But if he just wants to be busy and doesn't care about his body, and you want him to stay in one piece for your own reasons--because you want him around for a lot more years--then he wins that one. He gets to choose how to live his life, even if it means skydiving onto the roof to get to a hard-to-reach gutter.

Condensed version: If you can't stop his madness, then work on the madness of trying to stop him.

lighter:
When we need other people to be OK, for us to be OK....

that's our problem.   

Thanks for sharing that,  Hops.  It's a really important message. I like seeing it from other people's perspectives.  It helps drive it home.

Lighter

Hopalong:
[Tupp, thought you might relate. Tho' not in such extremity, I can too. xx Hops]

Dear Carolyn: Over the past year I was diagnosed and hospitalized for a serious and life-threatening illness. I have been struggling mightily since then with severe depression, survived a drug overdose, am in the process of getting divorced from my husband of many years, lost a cherished pet to illness, and have had to sell my house.

In the process, I found out that my social network was seriously lacking in the true-friendship department. Of the "close" friends I told about my illness, not a single one remained in contact with me throughout my ordeal, and some were downright rude and insensitive. All of them know not only about the hospitalization but also my pending divorce.

I am in the process of moving and trying to start fresh. I have no intention of sending these people my new contact details. Now some of them have begun to contact me — nearly a year after the fact — asking me how I'm doing and saying they're "concerned." One of the worst offenders left a message on my voice mail at work today saying she's sorry she hasn't been in contact (since last fall), but that a lot has been going on and that she was procrastinating (!). She informed me she'd email me "soon."

My instinct is simply not to respond. I don't even feel I can trust them enough to tell them how painful it was to realize I had no one there to help me. Do I have any obligation to formally cut things off with them?

— Looking for More Than Fairweather Friends

Looking for More Than Fairweather Friends: After years and years of advising people to talk (and talk), it’s refreshing to say: No. You have no obligation to respond, at least not to a voice mail so thoughtless and noncommittal.

If any of these friends proves to be remorseful and, maybe even more important, persistent, you might find it rewarding to respond; at worst you’ll get the satisfaction of being heard, and at best you’ll relaunch a good friendship. But short of that, please do give yourself the small satisfaction of washing your hands of them all.

Twoapenny:
Oh Hops, thanks for thinking of me and yes, it does resonate, and quite a bit right now - I've literally just been sitting in the bath having a little weep as I thought about so many people who've just vanished and who, no matter how many times I explain my situation, son's situation, health problems and so on, seem to hear nothing and don't seem to be able to process that.  I'm quite baffled by it.  If I knew someone in that lady's situation I would, at the very least, ask if there was anything I could do and check in on her from time to time, and if I knew her well I would just take it upon myself to cut her grass, clean her house, get food shopping in for her and so on.  I see that as normal?  Yet so many find even sending a text message too much to manage.  Yes, I think just moving on is the thing, I just find it hard.  It makes me sad and more than that, it makes me feel anxious about ever making new friends as I find that sort of 'rejection when sick' very hard to cope with.  Feels easier not to bother at times.  Sheesh.  Sorry to go on.  Just feeling a bit down today, I think.  Thank you for thinking of me, you're right, it did resonate, I know it does for you as well.  I'm very grateful to have my lovely, supportive online friends on here :) xx

Hopalong:
Me too, Tupp. SOOO grateful.

I'm so very sorry you're feeling that abandonment, I do get it. Ouch.
I think for me it goes waaaay back, when things are not reciprocal.
It's very hard not to ask myself questions that probably stem from early on being unpopular. I am genuinely loved by a few friends now. But I still have early-imprint feelings echoing from when I felt more alone than words can describe.

My only fix for it now is to fear less, detach more, and spread around my sense of connection. The deep connections I have with two friends my age (one less so) are comforting, but not really as much as I'd like. But I'm still open to finding new ones.

I did a lay sermon once on loneliness (two, actually, 15 years apart). For me the key image was how vicious Western culture is toward people by describing them as "needy." I'm needy as heck. I NEEEEED people, connection, a sense of caring and being cared about. Particularly because I have no family in my life (like you). It just makes it more intense when other people seem to just open their hands and let you float away, not motivated enough to put in the effort to hold on to the thread. And you feel that the thread is YOU, so you feel abandoned over and over. Ouch ouch.

What I HAVE (finally, finally, finally) learned is that this is not about me or my worth or goodness or dignity or value--or theirs either. This is about our culture, how it's disconnected us from communities of belonging, or conducting friendships in more conscious, caring, reciprocal ways. I don't blame any individual any more for letting the thread that represents me float away. I feel sad about it from time to time, like you do, but I'm finding it's less often and less piercing.

I have come to believe that most people's minds are scattered, their hearts are anxious, their brains are tired, and their souls are weary. So the regular, satisfying, reassuring contacts that mean SO MUCH to needy-me, mean less to many others. I think most people are trudging in place right now, overwhelmed even if still functioning. And often the bright perky online reports of doings and such ring shallow (one reason I don't do social media). Not because activities or accomplishments ARE shallow--they're not!--but because I am more interested in the deep deep stuff when it's available. That's tiring for many people who find comfort in activity reports more than in navel-gazing (my major).

I can't imagine how hard it is for you to get your social needs met. And they ARE needs. There's nothing weird about weeping in the tub when you can't summon up a friend who cares enough to remember that visiting you in the evening when Son is preoccupied is for you the most meaningful connection possible. Especially while you could still drag chairs outside.

One question: Have you ever this directly and simply (shortly, briefly) stated that to friends? Such as (drumroll, script time):
Hi XXX, Would you be free to come visit me in an early evening, while Son is entertaining himself upstairs on his own? I need social contact and am realizing that meeting friends "out" is wearing me out because of how all the stimulation affects him. If you can do that, please suggest a few dates and let's pick one. If you can't these days, just say so--it helps to know either way. Thanks, Tupp

I have (belatedly) learned that it really IS okay to ask for what you want as long as you release the outcome. I have asked something similar very recently--sending out a direct message about how much I'd love to have patio or backyard visits from people I know and like. Results: Having broadcast that message to lots of friends/acquaintances, I've gotten replies (and visits) from a verrrry small handful. A couple neighbors, one close friend, and two out of the eight members in my Covenant Group (a group that meets twice a month and knows each other well).

And that's me, somebody who has worked intentionally and consistently to build relationships and community for years now. And have been friends with some of these people for ages. There's just a passivity there, that I'm accepting.

The conclusion I came to is:
--This is okay. It doesn't mean people dislike or reject me. Others' motivation to do anything meets a LOT of inertia for a host of reasons I do not need to know. That's been huge. I don't need to puzzle it out. I just need to keep living in as happy a way as I can and continue reaching out in a direct way, asking them (meaning the universe) for what I want, and releasing the outcome whatever it is.

And the reason it's really okay is that I accept that's how it often turns out, people are just doing their people thing, and I'm a unique people, and I'm just fine and lovely, and new people like me too so I can reach out to them with my direct message, and then I need to remember to reach out to another one now and then, and take walks, and refuse to draw any drastic conclusions from my current level of connectedness or its lack, because I am a fine and valuable and worthwhile human being with an intesting mind and good heart and quirky nature and great stories and I like other people generally and specifically and it's good to be alive and there are dogs.

That's about it and I doubt it will lift you out of the tub but I have complete faith that you will form friendships that are kind. No idea what shape they'll take but don't ever stop asking the universe for what you want. You'll maybe find that your "needy need" changes its shape too. Over time. Mine has modified and I'm grateful to recognize that I seldom feel pure anguish. Sad sometimes, hurt occasionally but more often "lightly" if that makes sense. I just expect less so I'm disappointed less.

One thing you CAN count on is that everything changes and flows and goes, and our individual sorrows do too.

You SO don't deserve loneliness, Tupp. I'm very very sorry you're experiencing it.

hugs and comfort and chamomile and pats on the back,
Hops

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