Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
great Carolyn Hax moments
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 05, 2020, 10:18:00 AM ---Just realized how cognitively dissonant what I wrote above was.
I both regret the decade caring for Nmom and don't regret it because at the end I had peace?
Pondered then realized...this is true.
I regret it.
I don't regret it.
And I imagine it'll always be that way.
WHO SEZ life isn't paradox?
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
It can be both, can't it? Although it does feel kind of weird. My mum doing the things she did meant I lost her, but it helped me grow. Also nearly killed me at times but I think I came through it a better person (certainly a self aware one!). So I get that you can both regret it and not regret it at the same time. I glad you got peace from it eventually, it probably would have been harder to come to terms with if you'd done all that and not found any kind of resolution for yourself xx
Hopalong:
I hear you, Tupp and Bean:
When a current friend or acquaintance unburdens himherself about worry for their aging parents and asks about my experience...I tell them both things. I regret it. Nmom's nature took a huge bite out of me and I believe the cumulative stress of caring for her has shortened my lifespan. I don't regret it. That is more my way of finding a jewel in a cow pat. Pretty stinky process, but the jewel is real.
It really was TERRIBLE stress (factoring in also working for Nboss and the rest of my toxic family situation). I got psychologically stronger in some ways because of it, because the last of my delusions (good intentions = ability to change others, as in getting love from a turnip OR rational information = persuasive to others, as in Nmom, these are your safest options) were ground away. I do have inner peace after it all but what a price. Living with stress so intense that you fear you'll die before the elder you are responsible for is an actual risk. Lots of people who aren't well off die taking care of elders.
Maybe I could have continued my growth and found more inner peace and a bit easier life anyway, without that torturous decade? I'll never know.
But the peace and sense of fully understanding her (and gradually, myself) were a big gift in my life. They're still here. The daughter part of my identity (like the mother part also became...my D also has wide streaks of Nism I stopped denying) had to be entirely rewritten. (A decade earlier, with my father's decline and dying at home, there was no inner conflict over the stresses of caregiving. That man was so selfless and cooperative there was no resentment or unfinished business whatsoever between us, only love. It was exhausting but refilled me simultaneously. I used to describe that time as "a dance of the soul.")
If they ask, I usually advise people NOT to take it on unless first, they have a loving and trusting relationship with the parent. [That was denied to you Tupp, not because you don't love but because you HAD to disconnect to survive for yourself and your son. I would have done the exact same thing because I believe you did not underestimate the further damage she could cause you. Hard as it's been, you MADE IT.] And secondly, if they have resources so they can shield themselves from the worst of the physical wear of it by hiring loads of help. That wasn't me, so back pain/damage was acute and became a chronic limitation that plays out now in my attempts to enjoy gardening or get through a day without pain. I picked her up over and over when she'd slip or fall. She was never hurt (heavy, well-padded woman) but my spine with already-herniated disks was wrecked. It would've been better to persuade Mom into assisted living instead of enabling her to continue in a big old house letting it go unpainted and minimally maintained because she blew her funds. My bad.
One last thing about the column LW, though, is that just as I benefitted in the very long run in an economic way (my small inheritance helped me afford most of my house, a wonderful thing since my career had evaporated) -- so has the LW. She moved home due to chronic illness, so despite her frustrations with her father, she had safe housing. I did too.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Nodding all the way through, Hops. It kind of catches me between two places. I do feel that we (as a society) treat older people and unwell/disabled people terribly, expecting them to endure pain and loneliness that no-one should be expected to put up with. Without family and/or significant funds, as you say, it's very difficult to cope with difficult times in life. Add to that that you often find other family members happy to sit back and do nothing whilst one person gives up their job/social life/health to look after another, and then add in complex or abusive family relationships - it's a minefield, isn't it.
I do feel, having been through my own experiences, that people should look to the future from a relatively young age (60's, I reckon) and just have a think about whether there are things they could do to make life a bit easier in the future, should it become necessary. Downsizing a bit, moving to an area with more of the things they enjoy doing, moving somewhere with better public transport in case driving becomes a problem, and so on. I'm not suggesting that people should make radical changes the day they turn 60, but to just start thinking about options a, b and c in case they need to start making changes. Health doesn't always give you a good warning that it's on its way out so I think just knowing that you can sell your house and move somewhere without stairs or that you've got enough in the bank to pay for help if you need it can be a good thing.
Which brings me on to my mum, who has had multiple opportunities but really burnt every bridge. Five kids, all of whom lived nearby at one time. 10 grandchildren, and now 6 great grandchildren. A very comfortable income level - lots of equity in the house (which is far bigger than they've needed for many years). And lots of savings. Everyone avoids her; she's just made everyone's life a misery every chance she's had. They've apparently spent every penny on holidays and going out a lot and I get the 'spend your inheritance' idea, who doesn't want to have a good time? But I've also seen the reality of older people having to rely on council funded care and it's not pretty. I'd rather have a bit in the bank to pay someone than have to rely on the local authority, even if that only meant being able to afford nice ready meals and a new microwave. I have worried in the past that I would end up taking care of her. Even after everything she's done, I wouldn't feel comfortable thinking of her sitting in the house alone all day, unwell and unable to get out. But I think I've got good enough boundaries now to just arrange care from a distance and be content to know someone else is looking after her. I get what you say about regretting it and not regretting it at the same time. I feel I've learned a lot from everything we've been through, but I do wonder if I could have learned the same lessons in a less destructive way, as you mention. I would also advise people to think very carefully about devoting themselves to care for someone else full time. Even with your own child, my advice to anyone with young children would be to seriously think about other countries where they may be able to work and afford to pay someone else to come in. It's so expensive here that you need to earn a fortune to pay for help. It's just out of most people's pocketability and local authority provision is awful. I suspect most people would just think I'm a mad old bat :) C'est la vie. I'm glad at least you got your little house to yourself and that Nboss and Nbrother are no longer in the picture, either xx
Hopalong:
I hear you, Tupp. One issue with Nmom is that she never learned (or was taught) anything about how to manage her assets or plan for her future. She got the impression from my Dad that she could re-mortgage the house if she needed funds, and she'd done it three times by the time I moved back (because the nice, kind bankers were so helpful....grrrrr). She could have sold her house but the main reason she didn't is that she loved it and assumed she could stay there forever with somebody taking care of her (me), but had no savings at all for its maintenance. She really made some foolish decisions, like giving away my father's entire collection of antique maps because the university was going to make a big fuss over her, when she could have had them auctioned for several years' income. On my paltry salary (big chunks of it going to care for my D and by the end, for Nmom too) I couldn't have it painted, new roof, pther things needed, etc. It's on an upscale street but was disheveled by the time it sold. But it has beautiful bones and to my amazement pulled a pretty decent price just a couple years after the crash.
Pleases me now when I drive past to see how much the young couple have done to it, it looks elegant again. And there are children there, which makes me happy.
Tupp, I'm glad your mother has enough resources to survive. Since your sister is still in contact with her, can she be the one to arrange any care in the future so you don't need to?
(BTW, was really happy to read you had a pleasant visit, by choice, with her. Sounded like you really stayed in the present moment and looked at her without triggers, just observing her as a human being and interacting lightly, and allowing it to feel good.)
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 11, 2020, 09:54:37 AM ---I hear you, Tupp. One issue with Nmom is that she never learned (or was taught) anything about how to manage her assets or plan for her future. She got the impression from my Dad that she could re-mortgage the house if she needed funds, and she'd done it three times by the time I moved back (because the nice, kind bankers were so helpful....grrrrr). She could have sold her house but the main reason she didn't is that she loved it and assumed she could stay there forever with somebody taking care of her (me), but had no savings at all for its maintenance. She really made some foolish decisions, like giving away my father's entire collection of antique maps because the university was going to make a big fuss over her, when she could have had them auctioned for several years' income. On my paltry salary (big chunks of it going to care for my D and by the end, for Nmom too) I couldn't have it painted, new roof, pther things needed, etc. It's on an upscale street but was disheveled by the time it sold. But it has beautiful bones and to my amazement pulled a pretty decent price just a couple years after the crash.
Pleases me now when I drive past to see how much the young couple have done to it, it looks elegant again. And there are children there, which makes me happy.
Tupp, I'm glad your mother has enough resources to survive. Since your sister is still in contact with her, can she be the one to arrange any care in the future so you don't need to?
(BTW, was really happy to read you had a pleasant visit, by choice, with her. Sounded like you really stayed in the present moment and looked at her without triggers, just observing her as a human being and interacting lightly, and allowing it to feel good.)
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Gosh, that sounds just like my mum, Hopsie, terrible financial planning. She's very tied up in spending equaling status and making her look good so always buys the very best of everything. Furniture is custom made, wall paper is hand painted, curtains and blinds are made to order. She's always spent a fortune and when we were kids had an extensive collection of fur coats (before everyone was anti fur) and so much jewellery as well. They've had inheritances from various people, all of which they've spent on travel to far flung locations and they've made a lot on property as well, which they've used to release equity on the house and keep spending. I'd never suggest anyone keeps all their money in the bank while they live on dry bread and water but I do think they'd have been smarter to sell the house and buy something smaller and, as you say, keep a bit back for maintenance and repairs. It's nice that your old home has a family with children in it now. It's nice to see homes being used as they were intended.
I could leave it to my sister to sort everything out if need be but then that would make me the one dumping all the work on one family member, which I wouldn't feel comfortable doing. We could do it between us. I'm good with the paperwork, I've been doing it for years, and I'm good with finding out who's supposed to be doing what, so I could do the 'behind the scenes' stuff (ie, no contact with mum) and she can do the bits that require face to face (or phone to phone). All hypothetical anyway, it might never be needed and if it is, she might tell both of us to p**s off anyway so it may never be an issue, but it's just something I've kind of made comfortable in my own head. I wouldn't have felt comfortable knowing she was suffering and no-one was doing anything so I needed to square it away in my own mind - just in case :) xx
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