Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
great Carolyn Hax moments
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---I could do the 'behind the scenes' stuff (ie, no contact with mum) and she can do the bits that require face to face (or phone to phone)
--- End quote ---
That sounds perfect. And now that your connection with your sister has become mature and peaceful, I'll bet you two could manage it like that.
I'm sure you'll be able to have that talk with her, some time when communication is going well (and before Mum's inevitable first aging emergency). Just the general outline that as you've handled such a load of paperwork and caregiving research, medical and bureaucratic, in raising son...when the time comes that Mum needs that, you'd be ready to handle that part of her care. With the understanding that you won't be having any personal contact. And would she like to have that agreement with you ahead of time?
Maybe just that baby step of planting the idea, but not going into exhaustive detail about scenarios yet.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
I don't think it's something I'd discuss with her, Hopsie. I've kind of got the picture in my own mind but I might feel differently if/when the time comes, or she may well do more hideous things between now and then that mean I'll leave her sitting in a wheelchair in the street rather than help her out. I think I just like to have the notion in my head of 'what if' but I don't know that would mean it would actually happen in practise. My sister has a lot of health problems and is semi disabled herself now, along with four kids so she might end up needing care before my mum does, it's not an impossibility really. I've just been aware for a long time that I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my mum was completely alone and in need of care and not doing anything about that, whilst also not wanting to be terribly involved because of what she's like. And all may be immaterial overall. I've been amazed for a long time now that she's still relatively healthy given the amount she's been drinking for the last forty years so there may well come a time where she just goes very quickly and suddenly. My friend recently lost her sister to drink related health problems; she'd seen her on the Saturday and they'd had lunch together. She was absolutely fine and my friend remarked that she looked better than she had for a long time. She got a call on Sunday morning from a neighbour who couldn't rouse her (the cat was locked out and had been miaowing outside for ages) and they found her dead in her bed. Something just conked out in the night. The doctor reckoned she wouldn't have felt a thing. I think that can be a merciful ending in many ways xx
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---there may well come a time where she just goes very quickly and suddenly
--- End quote ---
That does sound very likely (and merciful). I hope she passes that way, and in honesty, more for your sake than hers. Your conscience about her is moving, because that says so much about who you are. And yes, every human deserves compassion. But it's equally wonderful that you're not going to lose yourself in the process (I hope not with your sister's future needs, either--you have a very full plate managing yourself and son.)
It's exactly what happened to my long-alcoholic friend Gennulman, who died a month back.
I'm glad you're not worrying about this TOO much. (I'll shove her wheelchair into the street for you if you need a hand.)
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
"I'll shove her wheelchair into the street for you if you need a hand"
That made me laugh, Hops :) I know it sounds a bit 'hippy', but I feel like I've just healed. My own stuff - childhood, abuse, what she did when my son was born, all of those things - it just feels okay now. And it doesn't feel okay like I think it was alright that she did it, it feels okay that it happened and I got through it and I'm alright again now. I've found this last few weeks/months that when I think of her, I do think of her with compassion. I can see her as a frightened little girl that no-one cared about, growing up in a world where women were expected to marry and have children, and where the responsibility of that marriage being a good one relied on the woman putting up with whatever her husband did. I do know how terribly acutely she felt shame when my dad lost his business and they lost their home. From her to go from woman about town to having to clean people's houses for a living was a huge drop in status in her mind and I know how badly that affected her. Add in the multiple miscarriages, many years of undiagnosed post natal depression, being widowed at a young age, my horrible, brutish step-father and the decades of drink (along with possibly undiagnosed autism as well) and yeah, I can see things have been tough, and also see that things were tough for me. I wasn't able to hold both things before; I felt like acknowledging her meant having to drop my own needs. I think that's the bit that's changed. It doesn't feel as emotionally charged as it used to so I can see how things were for her at the same time as seeing how things were for me. It doesn't have to be one or the other. And I do feel confident enough in my own boundary setting abilities now not to get enmeshed with anyone else's care requirements other than my own and son's - I can offer friendship and companionship at times, there are some aspects involving paperwork or just knowing who to contact for advice that I can help with if need be, I can send nice notes and care packages if that's appropriate - but I don't feel likely to fall into that pit of neglecting myself again. Perhaps just enough time has passed now. The fear I used to have whenever I thought of her just seems to have gone? And with him, to a large extent as well - not that I feel compassion for him, he can rot in his own bed as far as I'm concerned but that huge brute of a man that I always see in my mind's eye standing in my bedroom door just looks like a shriveled up old man now. Even he doesn't feel as scary as he used to. Progress, I guess? xx
Hopalong:
This is one of the most astonishing things I've ever read by you, Tupp.
In its depth and breadth it is just amazing, extraordinary. Starting where
you did? Wow.
The amount and depth of thinking you have done (finally given a few moments'
peace in which to do it) has paid off in truly sound healing. You'll still feel a twinge
or stab now and then, but you are no longer drowning. You are swimming.
I really am awed, and so very glad to read this.
Holding yourself open to the possibility of good things happening?
You are the good thing.
Mad respect,
Hops
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