Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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Hopalong:
Hey Boat, POSH (love Posh)--
How are things going now? Anything changing, in either direction?
Miss having your voice pipe up.
If you feel down, grumpy, out of shape, stressed or disoriented....you're normal.
I think I've watched every YouTube I can think of. More animal video hunts.
hugs
Hops
Meh:
I'm okay Hops. Overwhelmed with work, isolated, but fine.
Hopalong:
Glad to hear it, friend.
Whew.
hugs
Hops
Meh:
Last week of semester and I'm going to bomb/fail some of my classes. The previous semester the grades came back as straight As but this round I am so behind and there is no way so much magic can happen in such a short amount of time. I shouldn't even be here writing this. I'm calm and clipping my fingernails but earlier today I woke up from a nightmare, wasn't feeling well and then when I tried to lay back down I had a total racing heart. It was raining outside so I didn't get out for a walk and now here it is dark again and I'm drinking coffee at night feeling like I'm undecided about what to do with my time this week. I'm overwhelmed, I always have anxiety and depression of varying degrees that come and go. Anything I could say sounds like an excuse. So I'm anticipating there is going to be some major self loathing and then I will quietly walk away from this mess and I will have EFF EWE SEE KAY -ED up the whole scholarship situation because in reality I am not a high functioning human being and I never have been. I don't want sympathy I just want to be able to think about whatever thing is going on that feels out of control. I'm an adult but here I am having a panicked student moment. It's not that I don't care, I really am mentally slow and I feel like I should be able to just acknowledge this. I've not been a high functioning-rat racing-producer. I'm not some academic genius, if I hadn't freaked out and somehow been able to work through stuff I probably would have been fine but I did have moments where I procrastinated and frankly had some legit concentration and focus issues. I feel so anxious I don't want to do anything right now. This is the clincher. I wonder if I am going to be pressured into saying something like that to the scholarship people when they ask me what went wrong. In some ways it is technically protected health information and none of their business if I am anxious or depressed and even if I say those words it's a vague can of worms that nobody can ever respond to. If there is any chance that I can salvage the scholarship situation I guess I better make up some crap that doesn't use those words. I can pretty much anticipate that it won't matter what I say. Some people are saying it's hard to spend so much time online and I would agree, I feel like I've fallen into a mental world that doesn't really exist "online education land" or whatever. Suffice it to say maybe I have emotional problems or intellectual problems, really if I don't feel panic then often I can work through something but I don't know even, perhaps I'm burnt out whatever that even means. This feels like driving a car that is going way to fast and everything is now just one big blur. I can't pick out any one thing to focus on so here I am wanting to just stay here and write so I don't have to make any decisions. All the decisions right now seem like shit decisions. I get discouraged easily and it feels like a physical impediment sometimes, that is so hard to explain to anybody and really I don't want to explain it to any paper pushers that really don't care. I also don't want them trying to "help" me with something they don't understand. The last thing I need is time consuming phony solution to whatever my issues are.
I may just have to end up telling myself well this was bad luck. I feel like all people could do is just pressurize me more. At no point did I reach out to my advisor because he seems so competition oriented and if someone fails I don't think there is much help for it. The work that I submit I end up doing fine on but there is also a lot of work that I simply haven't completed. It almost feels like there isn't much room for learning anything whatever that means right now, there is so much information and I couldn't keep up with it. I'm not sure what to even think or say at the moment. Out of seven classes that I've had so far at this school, only one instructor had a live interactive lecture. Maybe it doesn't matter really but I think I am also suffering from social isolation that is difficult to put into words, it's just a feeling of low enthusiasm and low motivation. Strange I mean I am motivated I am but I don't feel motivated. I am but I am not. How can I say that to anybody and maybe it won't matter. I could potentially just tag on one more semester at the end of my program and try to re-do some classes and cover it with financial aid but I think my GPA will probably be so bad this semester it violates some performance contract I signed.
Maybe it isn't worth the stress. The stress no doubt comes from trying to control an outcome that I can't control. I can't even control myself all the time and it's exhausting to feel so much pressure to do something that just isn't happening. I had a few weeks where I was low and slow and it's screwed me over.
Fear of Failure sounds like some BS psychobabble but I'm wondering if it's really legit and if that is part of what I am experiencing along with my regular anxiety and depression etc. Am I dumb or neurotic or a combo of both to varying degrees. Also at this point I'm not sure if it matters how I measure these things. Fear of Failure sounds like some first world new age contrived problem BUT what is this really. IS there something to it... I wonder.
Frustration> strong emotional reaction> can't focus
Or just can't concentrate and focus> can't make a decision or
Feel overwhelmed and do something else to avoid overwhelm
^ Those scenarios, I'm not sure what they are and how much it is a result of mental health issues versus intellectual ability.
I have a tendency to give up maybe too soon or at the wrong time because I'm not organized in my head. I don't know. Many years ago there was a class that I gave up on even though I was doing well for the most part I just wasn't doing as well as I thought I should be and so I didn't turn in the final project because i felt discouraged or I didn't care or who knows. I do these sorts of things and it feels like it is an emotional problem, not simply making bad decisions as other people might think. What the hell is wrong with me.
Me last week of the semester "um so yeah I think I have phobias" WTF or maybe I'm just a piece of shit lol. All about context and perspective.
Twoapenny:
I'm sorry, P. It's been a tough time for everyone; I doubt you're the only student who hasn't managed to get everything done on time. You are definitely not a piece of shit, though.
I don't know how the education system over there works but I'd guess you could email course tutor? faculty head? someone in authority anyway - and say something like, "I've got x pieces of work unfinished. Is there any way of getting a time extension?" And just see what they come back with. If they ask for more info then you can give it but I think most places are probably giving a bit more leeway than usual because of the pandemic stuff. It would be a shame to not finish when you've worked so hard at it. I'll keep my fingers crossed they can give you a bit more time and you can get things completed (even if not to your previous A standard. Will the A's pull lower marks up? Could still be possible to come out with something good even if the more recent stuff isn't great). I will keep my fingers crossed that they can give you a bit more time and you can get something handed in xx
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