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Meh:
I'm a bit too pooped to care much for writing but here I am. Often I tell myself that chasing the idea of happiness all the time is nonsense and I sort of accept the idea of depression as a way to cope with it. Instead of trying to fix it, conquer it, fight it, control it whatever, I came to a mental frame of mind that I would accept whatever it is even if it meant I wasn't functioning as great as other people perhaps, who knows. I do feel slow at times. Today I was thinking about how I have put the idea of doing things JUST TO BE HAPPY out of my mind, like I don't have time for it, I don't have energy for it, it's not a priority. OF course sometimes it's hard to define all of this. Still there is kind of a messed up psychology of doing stuff, fixing stuff, problems, all of this taking precedent over being happy, in some ways it does. Not sure if I am articulating anything here. I guess I finally just noticed that sheet I'm not happy at the moment. But also people can become used to being unhappy I think. Even the word happy sort of sucks as it's not well defined I guess.

Well I guess I should also say I'm not chasing the idea of being happy, maybe I'm not even TRYING to be happy ever. It's weird timing in 2020 to talk about being happy. There should be some moments though when maybe people can be happy. I mean I've got problems but is there a good reason for me to be unhappy I don't know.

I'm here randomly to babble I guess. I've lost track of the significance of time. I feel frustrated with time. I dislike the feeling of rat races and I'm not sure who it's good for other than employers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3xa104bGVY

sKePTiKal:
Practical suggestions:
YES, try to negotiate incompletes with your profs; YES, talk to your advisor; script-wise, say something along the lines of having a moment of being overwhelmed during the semester (without going into details) and simply explain that the getting behind on assignments just snowballed on you. I'm not sure what the terms of your type of scholarship is, but I agree with Hops - they know you CAN perform, so the worst that can happen if you ask them for help w/support resources would be a "sorry, no, we don't do that".

You are not BAD, not necessarily depressed & anxious - beyond your control, because you're struggling with things at the moment. Everyone I know - including me - is struggling with things. It's all relative, dear. That's the problem with labels; they don't describe degrees of a thing - you either are or you aren't.

Everyone in an academic situation, including faculty & staff, have a degree of "fear of failure". Students worry over grades, completing work (you'd be surprised how many incompletes there are every semester even when things are "normal"). Faculty worry over student/dept performances reviews. Staff are also subject to reviews. Seems everyone in that environment is being measured, graded, held up to some ideal standard which is NEVER clearly defiined.

Some of that fear of failure's usefulness, is supposed to be motivation. LOLOLOL. But there are ways it's counterproductive. I know my way; you have yours. It's time to take your lemons, and make some lemonade. And then DRINK it... and enjoy it. It's not going to make you happy all the time (such a thing doesn't exist) but it WILL make you happy and relieved to have dealt with the current situation constructively - obstacle was bigger in your imagination than reality - and clear that obligation and move on with simple joys. Daily doses of this or that, that you enjoy. At least for a little while.

IME, happiness is a state that simply happens to a person. It lasts a moment, a day, a week... it MIGHT be related to something in concrete life; it might be you simply let something go and now the sun is shining and colors bright... but it doesn't HAVE to be. There is no science of happiness. No system that works for everyone. Playing with rocks - heavy as they are - makes me happy. But not everyone enjoys physical work.

My definition of "happy" is usually more like contentedness, relaxed, working in the "flow", or having accomplished something that mattered to me; that I WANT. And I've slowly trained myself to take care of the things I dislike or make me uncomfortable, as soon as possible, as efficiently as possible... so I can go do the things I like or need, to take care of myself.

You're learning, even when you don't think you are. ;)  Fret not; this will all be OK and you'll get past it.

Meh:
Thanks Skep.

Yes I guess I will tell them I was overwhelmed and isolated and leave it at that. I certainly don't want to use the wrong words.
 
There should still be boundaries in my life, the grant coordinators don't really have a right to get overly involved with me on a personal level. After all anything I could say to the grant coordinator she replies with comments that indicate she has no idea. Earlier this year I did tell her I was overwhelmed and she just replied "take breaks"

Everything starts to sound like excuses. There is a correlation between anxiety, depression and ability to concentrate. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling like I am being graded for everything which of course I am because that is what they do, it is starting to demotivate me though. It's all probably a cluster of stuff. It's definitely not bringing me any joy whatsoever if this was a Marie Kondo Moment, she would tell me to get it out of my life.

Hopalong:
This could be off base or too difficult to do, but it occurs to me that maybe just saying "overwhelmed" -- although true -- has been popularized and overused to the point that people use it for just being temporarily stressed.

A vivid and bold description of the escalating anxiety and depression AND a clear description of how alone you've been... might have more impact than just saying "I was overwhelmed."

Would be good if a therapist could offer a clear diagnosis you can take to the school.

I don't know what I'm talking about in terms of your particulars or your limits or your preferences. Just flailing about for a bolder (I really mean balder or blunter) approach that could bring relief.

Doesn't mean it would.

hugs
Hops

Meh:
Right.

One instructor emailed me and I didn't say a whole lot, I did use the words overwhelmed, socially isolated and anxious. I really don't think I want to get too personal at all. I guess I will see what happens.

I feel a bit uncomfortable with sharing a diagnosis with a school because face it universities have elitist thinking. But I also had that thought too, to figure out something official. A diagnosis was made before by a psychiatrist, I did take anxiety medications so many years ago. So it is somewhere in my very old electronic medical records theoretically.

Even mentioning anxiety and depression is a can of worms. I'm not going to do a deep dive into that right now it would really distract me.

I can't control what the advisors will think, do or say or how the school is really handling this stuff.

I've got the tendency to get fed up and give up on stuff and I know I need to NOT do that right now.

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