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sKePTiKal:
A pox on toxic positivity!!

And all the other fake "feelings" that are only intended control people's authentic emotions.

P-tooie...

Meh:
Must work on my computer, resisting it. Every minute and hour I procrastinate the worse I am making it on myself. I need to do the right thing for myself in this moment here where I am and that means getting some work done today. Yes today. Yes today today today.

Hopalong:
Yes.
Fifteen minutes.

Start with that.

You are okay, G.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
Thanks, CB. That book had a big impact on me.

I was about to argue with #3, about purpose.
Because I wanted to say that even those who feel lost and hopeless and have lost purpose are not responsible for their own murders.

That's true.

But then I also tuned into what it said about losing a sense of purpose contributing to mental and physical decay, and I'm living proof. I've been telling Ts for years that "I've lost interest in my own life" .... that's purpose. Now I'm literally losing a ton of muscle from mentally escaping and being physically passive all day long, almost every day. At my age, this level of inactivity and giving up is dangerous.

It worries me intensely but I haven't found a way to re-engage my will. I know that when I was working for the very old folks, I kept up a better diet, more exercise, etc., because someone needed me. But I don't need another job, I need my own job within my own life, and I know what it should be.

My challenge now is to reconnect with a feeling of need for myself, valuing myself enough to write. My novel, my own poetry. That's the best purpose to keep living I've been blessed with but it's not calling me loudly enough. I do church work and some volunteer stuff and "counsel" close friends who turn to me. But I don't find the courage to clamp on to my own purpose, which I know is my own creative writing.

Back to YouTube...I'm disappointed in myself but guilt trips don't fix it either. I hope in contemplation I'll tap into something deeper within me. Talking about it with T. I know it started when I lost my D. But going backward to relive that won't help. I need instead to ask myself if I still matter, now that I'm no longer a viable mother.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
First of all, re: the OP - I can definitely relate to the need to validate yourself, just the way you are - warts & all - and learn to accept it for what it is. Jounaling helps some; but it's almost better to put it somewhere like this and allow other people to provide input, feedback, their perspective - what they see in you - TOO. For me, that allows me to ask if I'm being unfair to myself in my judgement of myself... and start to work at uncovering the why, and figuring out what if anything I can do about it.

And briefly - HOPS, it's not fair to say to yourself, you're not a viable mother. You are. Whether your child, or some other, is in your sphere or NOT. (And the why they're not doesn't matter in your case. You tried your best. She didn't want it.) Maternal instinct is within you and not going anywhere.

<insert Kermit meme: And that's all I think about that.>

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