Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Rescuing vs. Helping vs. Enabling

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sKePTiKal:
Tupp, I'm still figuring direct speaking out, too.

Sometimes it triggers other people. And then, that starts a chain reaction combustion process.
Sometimes, it's only for ME; ie, I just want to be heard... even if my idea, suggestion, perspective is rejected by the other. But I'm exercising that skill and trying to find the balance between expressing my emotional intent, in a practical fashion, in a way that's not overbearing or "command" oriented.

And sometimes, it's STILL indirect when I'm trying to be direct - for example, a case where I know I could help effectively, but the other is being stubborn and wanting to do it themselves; their way; and I'll offer, insist, without coming right out and saying so - to avoid the potential conflict. Which btw, seldom works. (And it's MY stubbornness here, about knowing I could help if only allowed to... that is the problem.)

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 28, 2020, 08:44:33 AM ---Tupp, I'm still figuring direct speaking out, too.

Sometimes it triggers other people. And then, that starts a chain reaction combustion process.
Sometimes, it's only for ME; ie, I just want to be heard... even if my idea, suggestion, perspective is rejected by the other. But I'm exercising that skill and trying to find the balance between expressing my emotional intent, in a practical fashion, in a way that's not overbearing or "command" oriented.

And sometimes, it's STILL indirect when I'm trying to be direct - for example, a case where I know I could help effectively, but the other is being stubborn and wanting to do it themselves; their way; and I'll offer, insist, without coming right out and saying so - to avoid the potential conflict. Which btw, seldom works. (And it's MY stubbornness here, about knowing I could help if only allowed to... that is the problem.)

--- End quote ---

It's partly personality, isn't it?  I prefer direct speaking, even to the point of being brusque, whereas I know other people who prefer things flowered up a bit.  I think perhaps because my family home was always so indirect that the confusion that can create really triggers me sometimes.  But then of course you have the scenario where either you or the other person don't actually know what they want or need so it's hard to be specific then.  I can be a bit bull in a china shop, I know, but sometimes it's just time pressure.  My friend the other day for example, took ten minutes to say something that she could have done in two sentences.  That just melts my brain but it's how we're all different.  I'm trying to be more tolerant or accepting without compromising my own boundaries and needs and that feels like a bit of a tightrope walk at times xx

sKePTiKal:
I am guilty as charged, of going to verbose lengths to say something that could've been done in a simple declarative sentence - as is Hol. I've seen her go on for 20 mins with what we affectionately call the "preamble" before getting to the point. She is also working on this.

Observing her (and vice versa) - this seems to be a pre-emptive attempt to justify/explain/consider others' reactions ahead of time - to the simple expression of the feeling or want/need. We talk about the connection of this verbal tic, to walking on eggshells around certain people. For her - past & present relationship; for me - my mom, still and a few former husbands. Less so with Mike.

The silly thing about it is, that as much as we know about each other this really isn't necessary. So I'm guilty of rolling my eyes quite a bit during her preambles. And vice versa. She'll just jump right in sometimes and state the point that I'm obviously working up to. LOLOLOL. God forbid I attempt to do that with her, however...

Gets me thinking, about the people that are soooo easy to just talk plainly with. Is it because there's no emotional risk? Or less? Or is it something limiting within ourselves - regarding the persona we're trying to project.

Hopalong:
This is so interesting, y'all. Direct speaking having something real to do with helping or receiving a message about whether or not help is welcome.

Yay Tupp, for understanding the questions to ask. That's huge, imo. The only nuance left about those is probably just tone of voice. I find that keeping my energy low and light around asking--just asking easily--and seeing what they say in response. Thanks for the reminder about those. Plus, the one about disengaging from the rut-plowers or maybe even sharing: I'm no good for much emotional support right now, feeling at my limit myself, but I'm happy to come DO something if you need that support. Is there anything practical I can do to help?

Yay Amber, for owning your preamble rambles. I am a STAR at that and can sometimes actually see people chomping their bits for me to get to the f-ing point.

The "helping by discussion and analysis" part. Do you find you initiate that most of the time? Or does sometime come to you and ask for it, or does it maybe just happen habitually because that's your habit together?

I love it when I experience that with a friend. If it's a friend who seems to really enjoy the digging and thinking out loud, which I think has to do with trust. When my D was working on her total exit, my capacity to discuss and analyse because overtly unwelcome and I learned to just zip it. Even if I knew what I was seeing and had insight; she was over-capacity for absorbing any more wisdom from me.

These days, I realize I need to focus on helping myself. Rescuing myself, even. But I don't want to be cut off from other friends who need support. That would add fear of isolation to my present anxiety. A woman in my Covenant Group reached out to me with very painful news and I was able to sit with her and help her express her own fear and sense of anxiety about the future (it's her husband, a dire diagnosis). Yet she began backpedaling in an indirect way later, telling the Group we all have so much on our plates she doesn't want to add to it, etc. I emailed her that it is healing for me to be present for her, and hope she'll understand that I mean it.

Just because I'm struggling doesn't mean I want to be viewed as too damaged to be of use. I feared that a little bit, after sharing my ED visit with them last night.
But I'm going to try not to focus on it much.

hugs
Hops

bean2:
Badass, ahem TwoaPenny,
I hear ya!

bean

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