Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Friendship Moments: good or bad
Hopalong:
I know. You're both spot on. I don't understand the "honesty and giggly" part though, Lighter. I'd love some honesty from her but not more laughing things off.
But there'll be no tool or code word because I do not want to do the work for her.
Likely losing my closest friend for years is going to hurt, but I do not want to be around or try to manage her volatility, and be cursed out in my own home or even mocked unkindly for something physical I can't control (long story but hearing got damaged by a dentist's saw). I bent my head toward her while driving to indicate I didn't hear what she said (soft voice plus accent) so she yelled it AT me nastily. I've gotten a look at the mean streak, and I'm too damn tired as well as fragile to do battle.
I'm pretty close to done because in an emotional sense, she's unsafe. And I do not see any signs that she wants to be accountable for it. Or come out of her denial and tendency to act-and-distract her way out of finding insight. (Act meaning put on a mask and perform, not take action.)
If something new and encouraging happens I'd be thrilled for us both, but I think she's getting ready to let go of life, honestly. It's something she talks about every time she has to deal with any amount of being alone, and people willing to cater to her are quite few. She has a new support system of writer pals though, so maybe she's able to form new healthy friendships. I hope so.
I'm isolating again, just dealing with the aftermath. House is a wreck. I'm physically feeling quite weak. My evaluation of myself is pretty shaky right now.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
About the giggling ....maybe it's more fall down, weak at the knees laughter at each other and ouselves. Once the dysregulation passed.... it was good to have an honest chat about it......and we found so much humor in those moments of honesty.
Of course, we were laughing a lot, regularly, so it seemed inevitable we'd laugh at those moments of stress too.
Leave the house be and rest a while, ((Hops.))
Don't use "should."
Let your inner peace and gut lead....
down time?
processing (with writing?)
Find the pain in your body, put hands on it, name it, give it a number and breathe into it.
Get very curious about it.
I'd certainly be mourning losses...the friend I depended on, the visit I wanted to have, the awkward/angry space left between.
And.....her talking about letting go of life ....whew boy. Is she trauma bonding you to her?
Question: If you had it to do over....from the point she arrived .....would you do or say anything different?
I'm asking seriously.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. I'm calming down. And really liked your question.
I think what happened was that I had unawarely decided to tell myself that the previous visit's rail-at-me session was a one-off. But I do think I was carrying a kind of wariness in my body I never had before. Still, we were happy the first half of the week. I have a guess that she didn't get enough attention at the party and had to watch me being hugged and happy for three hours.
I don't know how to do it better if I'd had the chance for a do-over. Confronting her is like arguing with a badger, I mean if whoops, please don't put damp towels here can set off an attack....I doubt I'm clever enough to say something EXACTLY right.
I think YOU were exactly right when you said shame probably triggered her. She is the Officer in Charge of Proper Social Protocol, so realizing she'd done something un-guestly didn't sit well. It's all ID, really, for me too. Lots of unconscious stuff. I forgive her for all that, but don't think she realizes how I react internally. I'm frozen in disbelief and hurt and literally do nothing except quietly leave the room. (That old "words will never hurt me" adage is horseshit, imo.)
Wan't until days later I wrote her the letter. On paper, I was firm and clear and both reported honestly how it felt and set a clear boundary. All with love, which I also made clear. So I don't regret it but just feel a big hole in my life for now. It'll heal.
And I hope she will. I'm just losing faith that she'll ever be able to. And missing my friend at the same time. For me, losing anybody I love is always traumatic. I can if I'm not careful go down the bunny hole of "I'm old with zero family and will be even more alone in older age." That's where my fears kick in.
Boy, I miss Tupp. And I am so angry with myself that I set her off. Feel as though I sent her away, when that's the last thing I'd have wanted. My social stupidity won.
You sayin' I shouldn't say should? LOL. I know what you mean. No self-shaming. As what's the point?
Thanks for the support and real thinking, Lighter. Light.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Two things, Hops:
One
Limiting exposure can be a necessary and helpful thing.
If the Poet can only hold it together for 2 or 3 days....
THAT'S the limit visits should be, and it's ok to put concrete boundaries like that in place, IME. You don't have to explain it to others, or find agreement, IME, to put in place.
Second.......has Poet ever apologized for lashing out, belittling or otherwise behaving badly AT you? I think that's important to understand....for yourself.
Sometimes releasing something important and familiar is terrifying.....
It leaves a big empty (feeling) space....but also an open space,
for new things, people, habits, IME.
If one drops judgement..... it's just a space.... temporary? Leave room for not knowing.
Not knowing feels scary, IME.
Embracing not knowing, as a way of being....
feels less scary to me....to turn towards curiosity and possibility vs fear and rumination.
You didn't create, whatever drives Poet to her edge....and over it.....sounds like she's not able to share it. That's on her.
Breathe....Hops. All will be well
Lighter
Hopalong:
Realized I didn't answer your other question...
After Poet read my letter she wrote back that she was "very hurt by it" but did add "I'm sorry." Mixed in with how one of her four brothers is ill so her heart is heavy and she spent too much money to visit me but hoped she made me "happy a little bit" and she should visit a different friend next year and so forth.
I'm sure she's somewhat sorry but the apology felt so diluted by manipulation it didn't land as sincere. I guess I believe that if you're actually sorry, you FEEL sorry, and didn't see/feel that.
I replied that visiting someone else was probably a good idea and that I love her, just not her denials and minimizing. I feel she doesn't own it when she's lashed out and I hope she can sort out what it's about with her T.
Not a peep since then so I am guessing it's all over. If some kind of narcissism is at work, then discarding a person who confronts you about hurtful behavior is very common. In another email she said "I am at fault" and I choose to take that as a real effort to understand the impact.
Long story short, I left the ball in her court and told her I'd be happy to reconnect when/if she feels ready.
In other news, I got Pup to a 7am appointment this morning and it didn't kill me.
:)
hugs and thanks for caring,
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version