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Friendship Moments: good or bad

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lighter:
Whew boy, creating, and cultivating the ability to NOT fall/get dragged into other people's reactive rabbit holes is a thing, IME.

Whether you take that Zoom, or not, you have the chance to rise up, rest in non judgemental awareness, and be more responsive/able to respond to the Poet/those suffering around you, IME.

Oh, to auto-remain calm/feel safe/not get thrown into survival mode.

I agree with, Amber, btw.  Self care should always lead.  You can care about Poet in the way you need to.  You don't have to care in the way she needs......or the ways you have in the past.

Asking Poet what SHE intends the do about her distress is such a great way to shift the narrative, and get out from under feeling responsible. Good reminder, Amber.

Allowing the Poet to share her personal load hasn't helped her evolve, IME. 

If your "help" allows Poet to remain mired.... it's not help, IME. It's a well intended form of enabling.....joining her, there, in her darkness. 

Time to recalibrate, as you have been doing.  Time to cross your arms, comfort yourself with gentle shoulder pats, and breathe.

Retain emotional distance.....see her, below, in her suffering, and know....you offer less if you join her in that darkness, IME.

I sure hope you stop having physical symptoms, Hops. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
Feeling much better. I love my doc; she and I did a telehealth talk about various stuff and she is SO good. Thorough, understanding, meticulous. She hears me about all sorts of things and gives strong advice gently.

Poet called. I had emailed her a long explanation about me being in charge of my own codependent leanings, and how if I see her waving from a tar pit again with just one nostril showing, I'm going to back away from the edge of empathy and take care of myself. She approved wholeheartedly and didn't want to cause angst.

She was apologetic about her dark messages ("nihilistic melancholy" I called them) effect on me, and seemed to understand completely. So that was good and my job is to tend my side of the fence.

Good fences make good neighbors.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well done!

I'm glad she's starting to own her impacts on you, too. There is probably a way forward now, where it was hard to see one initially.

Hopalong:
I feel I was carrying HER backpack of what you called stinky muck or something similar.

The real lesson is once again, that's on me. She's Nistic, insecure, alla that. But mostly I think it's just the usual oblivion of the self absorbed. So odd for a good poet to be that way, imo. But in terms of her life experience, it's probably very subconsciously appropriate. I noticed way back she rarely writes in the first person.

Usually when I get close in a connection, I do nearly anything to avoid confronting, showing real anger or fedupness. The pattern seems to be I forgive nearly anything until someone crosses a certain line, and then [click] I'm ready to leave.
Really and fully on my own side.

With M, it was the slow realization that he was blowing smoke, troooly an overt N, and toying with my vulnerabilities. With Hollywood friend, that she either could not or would not listen, and tried to control me in ways I couldn't handle any more. It was so one way, and is less so now since I backed off a lot and expect nothing. With Poet, feeling that I was becoming where she dumped the compost.

Sometimes it's very hard to be alone. But it's worse to be unheard or disrespected in any relationship. Easier not to have one, or have a few shallower ones if need be.

And the real lesson is that I need to discern who people are much much sooner. To pay more attention to small early signals. To not throw my heart over the bar so soon. To require reciprocity and if it's not forthcoming, to back away. I've had too many one-sided attachments in my life and none have been ultimately good for me.

hugs and much gratitude,
Hops

lighter:
I'm glad you're feeling better, Hops.

Light

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