Had this on Relationships thread but decided to move it here, where I'll try to remember to put most friendship stuff:
Girlfriend J (the one who had the dire illness and refused to say what it was after several years of constant confidences, which was confusing and unsettling, though I respected her right to privacy) -- wrote telling me that her last visit to my house, during which I'd told her honestly but not angrily how I'd felt, was an "ambush" so she'd only meet me out in public now at a place she chooses. This is the World Bank professor person. I realized the friendship is over and wrote her a nice email where I said I wanted to release it with gratitude and no hard feelings. She responded nicely. So whew on that.
I am just feeling a whole lot less likely to go along with relationships that don't feel healthy to me. Not because another person's a terrible human (I can be the unhealthy one and often am, I'm sure), but because I'm FINALLY recognizing just that certain kinds of people are good for me and promote mutual trust and happiness, and others don't. Sometimes there are subtle power struggles (or unsubtle ones) that just take me forever to recognize. The way I'm made, once that kicks in, I need to get out.
Never could handle power struggles or intense conflict, and I'm tired of asking myself to. I would rather be Ferdinand the Bull, even if I'm by myself. I can attract bullies or controlling folks and need to be quicker to adapt and step around them.
Zoom friend (the introverted very bright librarian, widower) surprised me on the phone the other day. We had a plan for me to visit him and it was pretty hot, so I wrote to check in to confirm or not. He called to reply and was pretty upset -- turned out his cat has been diagnosed with kidney disease. He is so distressed, that cat is literally his mate and he's just rocked off his anchor. I was glad he shared that. Then I took a turn and shared how I'd been processing a new (I hope a last) wave of grief over M, and how I'd recognized this or that...and he was SO perceptive, supportive and compassionate. It kind of blew my mind.
I ordered some catnip shipped to his cat the next day. And feel very grateful that he's my friend.
Dearest poet friend R, who's moved away, has stayed in touch and we've Zoomed twice. It's meant so much. I miss her a lot but feel really good about how we're maintaining our connection. As soon as travel is safe again I will definitely visit her in Michigan. She has an unhappy relationship that she couldn't leave behind, so her negative and critical companion is troubling her, and she likewise flares into fury over every incident. I don't envy her that partnership but they've gotten a couples counselor and who knows, even old folks can learn, right? I hope they will heal. It's hard to imagine what's harder than being old and in a miserable bickering partnership. I know loneliness feels harder to me often, but there's the other side of it too.
hugs
Hops
