Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Friendship Moments: good or bad
Twoapenny:
Well the good thing about posting online is that people dip in and out as they want to so there's no dumping - we all make choices whether to log in or not, read or not, reply or not. There's no pressure or obligation so I think this is a good place for you to let off some steam about someone else's steam.
Her book sounds amazing :) Brilliant thing to be involved in. Is there anyway you can avoid reading/trying to lift her out of it every time? I'm just wondering if you can stop reading when you realise it's going to be one of those emails, reply with a 'sorry things aren't great, did you see the review about such and such publication' and then wait for the 'everything's rosy again' contact? It sounds like her insightful moments affect you more than they do her.
It is very hard, I had a friend at one time who used to vent for an hour, on the phone, without drawing breath. Always about the same events, similar to your friend, there was a childhood event that had caused this loop and having been stuck in so many of those in my life I listened, soothed, advised - and waited for the next call to go through it all again. It wore me out so badly and yet it wasn't really necessary. I could have put the phone on the side, come back an hour later and she wouldn't have even known, she'd have just been at the end of her monologue by then. Unfortunately for me the one and only time I did say no to her ended the friendship which made me very sad, it was good in other ways. I do understand anyone's reluctance to do things differently, it feels like walking on egg shells sometimes xx
Hopalong:
You're exactly right, Tupp -- the challenge is to continue practicing the detachment muscles with her. I'm waaay better at it than I was a few years ago. She's coming to stay for a week later this month so I'd better get those exercises underway.
And of course, the la la la everything's just fine email arrived in two days. I wish she could perceive and take on her own patterns but I think her stuff is so entrenched that hoping for change is unrealistic. I actually feel better when I let go of hoping. I've got plenty of my own patterns to work on.
I'll get good practice both in listening and caring about someone important to me, though, and in NTTFI. Not trying to fix it. We'll have fun too: puppy, poet friends and she's promised me a belated bday pedicure!
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
I felt both more detached and braver when she started talking to me about the book's intro.
It's a somewhat transparent effort to TELL the readers how to interpret, recognize and value the poems. I'm used to more modest and not-self-forward comments from poets in their collections. So after we talked a while, I told her so. And she greatly appreciated it and is sending me her intro and bio to edit.
She completely got it. I told her (lovingly) that the insecurity was cropping up in her "author voice" and that her lovely poems can (and should) speak for themselves.
Whew. Meanwhile, during the tail end of our Zoom (I was outside) Pup completely disappeared and I thought he was gone forever. PANIC. Then he climbed out of a perennial bed, all proud, with a dead vole (or something similar) to deposit on the doorstep.
Is there a thing such as toxic dog masculinity? LOL. So relieved to have him back.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I'm glad you're practicing acceptance and speaking your truth. I wish it felt more natural/comfortable than it does.
Sounds like you'll have a nice visit with poet friend, Hops.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. I'm truly praticing it and feeling much more at ease.
hugs
Hops
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