Friendship Moments: good or bad

[lighter]

I had enough, to double up.  Wish I'd read your post before gravel and topsoil went down this afternoon, Amber!!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

How about a "Friendship Moment: Indifferent"?

Got an "update" email from Poet. News of a potential move (to daughter's new house) IF she/Poet decides to sell own house as planned etc. The rest all about her goal of being "relevant and recognized" in the local poetry community. A complaint about the weather in MI, and how she had a good visit with pal in the Smokies.

So I replied with stuff at same level: spring is great, I like new kitchen floor but rest is still a challenge and doing baby steps, poetry reading series is helping me write.

Not interesting any more. She said "I know we're not close but I want to stay in touch anyway" .... so I'm not sure I'm interested. I previously told her twice I wanted to wait for contact until July. Deaf ears, but my fault for responding. I think I regret the reflex.

No turmoil though. No upset. Not feeling much of anything, except to share it here.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

So I wrote a PS, that I'd prefer no contact until July (for the 3rd time) and that I realized my impulse to thank her for writing was habitual but not healthy for me. Wished her health and good luck with the changes in her life.

Between us, it's just that she dismissed all I'd expressed and wants to go back to being in touch. Right now, I don't want it. No longer want to prop her up, I'm barely on my own feet these days.

(I remember M's habit too, of simply dismissing things I'd say that he didn't want to hear or were not HIS preference. Just because Poet sez "I want to keep in touch" doesn't mean I have to obey. DUHHHH, Hops!)

Whew,
Hops

[lighter]

Makes sense to me, Hops.  I'm just proud you added that post script.....amazing to notice absent emotional charge!!

[Hopalong]

Thanks a lot, Lighter. You taught me a lot during all that. Very strengthening.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Ugh ugh ugh. Her response was a lot of instructions about how we'd continue to be "email friends" only because she wants to "stay in touch" but even if she comes to town she wouldn't see me because it would be too "uncomfortable" and on and on....but she'll email again, unless she doesn't, etc. She says "uncomfortable" a lot.

Stupidly, I responded again. She'd mentioned seeing "old Hops" in my friendly, first response to her unexpected email. I wrote that "old Hops" had been ever-ready to support her intensely in all things but now I realize it wasn't quite reciprocal, but my codependent attachment that needed to loosen. And now it has.

Longer story shorter, she built up to fury again. "Goodbye. I will now resign from the poetry group. If I'm ever in your town again I will visit the other poets individually."
Blah blah etceterblah. Her last email was to announce that I wrote her "intentionally to hurt her" -- and she would never read an email from me again. Good, since I won't be writing one.

I think she's in a hot fury because I was blunt and direct. I said I believe that only sitting with "uncomfortable" in therapy would be truly freeing. It was unpleasant to feel her trying to reel me in again, so I'm glad she's spitting nails at my refusal to cooperate with her narrative. I hope her anger spurs her to leave me alone and I feel relief that she's leaving the poetry group.

Yeeessshhhh. I feel sometimes that one has to be hypervigilant with N-ish people, even those who were at one time close friends. I went out and bought a pint of ice cream and ate the whole thing to calm down.

But it was Cherry Garcia, so that doesn't count, right?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Man. She sounds like if she doesn't get to make the rules of how people act, think & feel about her she must adamantly proclaim she's taking herself and her toys home. Did she stomp her feet too?

But it was too late; she couldn't claim breaking things off - you'd already done that. Part of her realized this, I guess, and threw a rediculous hissy fit full of threats of denying access to her wonderful, but struggling self.

I hope ice cream was an adequate antidote to that level of ick. I know bourbon is!  <wink wink>

[lighter]

I agree, Hops.  Poet's ticked off, bc you didn't let her control the narrative.

It would have been more peaceful, but for her continued stomping of your stated boundaries. 

I guess we accept what is offered, from disordered people, or we limit contact/withdrawal with love.....but we make the different choices.

The PDs have only one script.....one pattern, IME.

How's it feeling, in your body, today?

[Hopalong]

Exactly. Feet stomping. Taking toys but breaking them on the way out. I shouldn't have responded the first time.

I have had all sorts of jargon zip through my head but I think her fury is defensive. Like the aftermath of a narcissistic injury. I feel sad about telling her a couple things that pierced her defenses and likely caused her pain. But I also know that stubborn truth telling from my own perspective is the only thing I can do.

Body still feels it some today, Lighter, but better. Dropping shoulders. Happiness is a warm Pup, who's faithfully squashing my feet so I don't ooze off the bed.

Poet really has become a tragic figure to me. Tragic with fangs and claws. I think her terror of not being famous (like parents) is escalating as she ages and that's why she's writing so much and worrying about being relevant and recognized. (Instead of happy.) I'm the opposite, not better or worse. For me, the tedium of getting things out for publication is so unappealing I just...don't. But readings make my poems feel alive.

I've lost track of how many times I've sincerely and gently wished her well, peace, contentment, etc. Genuinely. But she hunts for offenses and finds them easily. If she allows me to draw and hold a boundary, however gently, something breaks for her. So I do think she feels hurt, or feels the real pain of her perceived authority not working on me any more. Reminding me so much of M's behavior at times, and maybe you're right Lighter, that PD behavior cuts across the variations.

I am calm again. Amazing to me how primal my stuff with her got. My own stuff gets in there, a lot to do with Nmom I'm sure. I don't have claws but am pretty good with words. I just felt unheard repeatedly and finally stopped placating. Sadder but wiser and overall, wiser matters more to me. Sad will pass.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Stepping back from placating.....is ....sad, IME.

  It's me, recognizing self abandonment......
giving myself away, to keep the peace......
bc.....
well.

Because of the reaction Poet's giving your request for decent treatment.  Your refusal to swallow your truth.

And.....IME.....the more directly truthful one is.....the more punitive the PD reaction.

That's not about you, imo.  That's about whatever cavern of fear and regret the Poet's trapped in. 

If she could express it......take it out, in the light ...... examine it with someone who cares about her..... she'd have a chance to seek peace.....feel better..... cultivate joy, imo.

Her defense mechanisms make it impossible to self reflect.  I've seen this show up close.

It's sad, like I said.  So many good things, but no space for reciprocity.....and it's ok to be done with placating flawed people, at one's expense.

My God.....
it really is time to let it go,((Hops.))

BTW.....I'd be surprised if Poet didn't attempt a character assassination on her way out of the club.  I hope you're curious, instead of worrying.

Some dumb bunnies like chaos and the spirit of retribution, IME. 

Some will see the Poet for what she is.

Maybe you'll get some terrific poems brewing up from the depths.

I want to hear them!!!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

You're right on point, like the fly on the wall, Lighter. No offense to you or flies.

It's beyond, way beyond, time to let it go. But I think I got there. I'm embarrassed at how much I've perseverated over this drama, especially here. But I'm breathing oxygen, relaxing with Pup, feeling relieved and more or less relaxed.

The whole thing felt a bit like a graduation from revolving around narcissistic people, mainly M at first, then this mask-dropping realization about Poet. What matters to me in the present is not so much about them as it has been recognizing the risks of empathy, how loneliness can drive you into the wrong orbit, how "neediness" (I know you don't like that term) can mislead you too.

I guess what feels good is I don't feel lost. I feel like I've found the bottoms of my own feet, and I am not confused about why I withdrew from this relationship.

Son of a gun.

hugs
Hops