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Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th

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Hopalong:
It sounds as though the biggest theme in your life with Bill was love and kindness, Bettyanne. That's such a beautiful thing to say at the end of a life. I'm glad you had him and learned together what was real and unreal about your pasts. What a bond!
I hope that closeness and love will always lead your memories as you visit them.

One day, I hope you will be able to take back your mind from your Nmother and no longer allow her the space. Once you release her to the universe and find new things to think about, you will release your own peace and contentment. You've already come a long way with that--it sounds as though the edge is grinding off the bitterness. That's real progress!

It's hard to believe in the middle of grief time, but you have happy moments and possibilities for peace and meaning ahead. All options for inner peace are ahead of us all, as long as there is life.

If you like to read, I think you would find Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl very helpful.

Hugs and comfort,
Hops

Bettyanne:
Oh Thanks for your replies......
Letting go of my mother is a big one......one I really need to do.......she was not a nice person to me.  I think very jealous of me and she didn't like that I had a close relationship with my dad.....who I lost when I was 20.  My therapist says she was a N and Borderline combined.  As a kid she was the main boss in the house and ruled like a King .......I knew right on my dad had no say in anything nor did any of us.  My T says she was never a mother and should have never married or had children.

I guess the big lesson was how do I take back everything she took from me........like Love......caring and just being human??
Well its only 2 months since Bill passed and I miss him so so much.  I realize he truly loved me more so than anything I got at home as a kid.  That is huge ......I am so grateful.....that Bill was in my path......and at times it wasn't easy the opticals we jump, cross covered etc......WE made mistakes like we all do......expecially coming from selfish families or should I say uneducated families???? well I am sure that's par for the course. 
But I need to let go of the boss asshole.......yes I said it......she was mean and cruel.....she only thought about herself.  Well that was her choice but not mine.  I loved my kids and Bill with all I could offer them........I was not perfect but I wasn't mean.  I didn't call my kids names that didn't feel good......thank God I could see the light a bit.
We all just want a good life not perfect but a kind one......that's what I learned......I hope I never see that bitch woman again. and I will continue to miss Bill.....and I learned a lot too....how not to be......
Thanks again friends for your nice replies......Love, Bettyanne

lighter:
I don't think you have to take anything back from your mother, Bettyeane.

I think you need to remember how amazing and perfect you always were.  It's the truth your mother covered over with her narrative and abuse.....
but it's always been the truth.

Once you notice her voice in your head....
Justb become aware of UT, without judgment....you have the choice to banish her voice and remember Bill's.

In the meantime, be so very kind to yourself.  Again, drop all judgment, get very curious about your inner world and how you feel in tour body.

Honor that information.  Stay mindful....if you're still long enough, what's behind it will show itself to you....and ask to be tended to. 

You're ok, Bettyanne.  Everything will be ok.
Lighter

Bettyanne:
Lighter......I had that asshole in my life for 69 years......and your right......I need to see she is dead and buried at age 100 only 8 years ago.  I think she did so much harm to me is the problem???
I surely will try and look at it differently........I appreciate your reply......thank you for saying what you did.......
AT age 77 now and alone......without Bill......life has given me a big one to accept.  The good news is she is dead......and Bill was so good to me......I realize I was so brainwashed as my T said is the problem with her still being in my head.......I need to do some head clearing haha.......and just keep Bill there......
Thanks so much, Bettyanne

sKePTiKal:
Yes; she once upon a time did harm Bettyanne. It was very real; and it hurt like hell. You are not permanently damaged as a result of her attempts.

Yes; you and Bill stood strong in your love for each other against the odds. And you still carry that with you. Because it's precious to you.

You do NOT have to carry around the harm your mother did; don't continue to nurse those wounds and remind yourself. Let them heal; let the love you know about heal them; and let them simply become old dry history. You rejected it then - knowing it was wrong. Reject it again NOW, and let yourself become of beacon, a lighthouse, of the love you know is real - for others.

You can do this Bettyane. You've already proved you can.

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