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Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th

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Bettyanne:
Thanks Skepical......
I appreciate what you said......I think because of the abuse and it lasted for me 69 years is why its hard to let go???
I never had a  real brother just a sick one with cerebral palsy and no relatives because the ones we had were almost as bad as she was.  I did have two women she worked with I had to call Aunt...
strange when I think about it now.  If I wasn't doing well at school.....a school I hated all girl private school with nuns......yuck....2 grades in each class room......excuse me here private my ASS....it was about her so she could praise for sending me to such a school.  Never was involved with me ever.  It was only about her.....yup It was a long time to be abused.....
Yes I do wish I could let go of it all.......I really do want to.....
I think because Bill knew who she was and treated him poorly as well.......I miss the support I got from him....there is some connection to all of this abuse.
I will sure try to get through missing Bill and letting go of the abuse of her.
Thank you Friend......Bettyanne

Hopalong:
Hi Bettyanne:

I agree with everything said above, especially this advice about your mother:


--- Quote ---don't continue to nurse those wounds and remind yourself. Let them heal
--- End quote ---

Sending you the courage to heal.

YES, you can do it! Your negative feelings about her have become so familiar you might be unconsciously afraid to let them go. (Lots of abuse victims re-injure themselves by holding on to what is terrible but familiar.) I think you can let them go, with your therapist's help. At least....TRY to release them. Perhaps there's a personal way you could honor that wish, like writing them down and going outside to burn them or bury them.

You might make up your own healing ritual and give your heart to it. It should help.

Hugs and comfort,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Couple more thoughts dear...

Everything that is hard, eventually happens when it's really TIME to happen. What Hops said about why some people hang on to things is true; but it doesn't mean that we're unable, or weak, or something. It means we haven't worked it all out yet; haven't made our peace with "what it WAS" and then decide that "what it can be NOW" can be very different. There isn't much better after "letting go" - because the past was what it was; no changing THAT. But what changes is YOU. You say say a final goodbye, hoist your pack, and walk on down a new path that you are free to choose what you take with you.

The other thing I forgot to say - but it was staring me right in the face; and is something I know as well as anyone - is that there are distinctly painful elements of grief all woven into the experience of abuse. What we know to be normal relationship doesn't exist in an abusive relationship - and that's a hurtful betrayal of the natural order of things. Why ME? What was wrong with me? What did I do wrong? When all along - it was the other person's inability to be strong and vulnerable enough to love. It's THEIR weakness - oftentimes because of abuse they suffered.

The fact that you and Bill STOPPED IT in it's tracks and didn't perpetuate it is a tremendous victory and success in your lives. No, no one's "perfect"... but you tried and did well enough that your children don't close you out; you have good relationships with them. You were strong enough to love and overcome your natural instincts to protect yourself with perhaps less-wise or self-destructive strategies. No grand gestures or miracles were needed, it was simply showing up and being open and loving every day that was your success. You made that choice; out of love. You can do it again - for yourself.

So grieving kinda exists "outside time". There is no rhyme or reason or recipe or prescription for what it consists of or how long it takes. My mom is still grieving her mom - over 50 years later - and it's one of the prime reasons my mom went a bit bonkers and became like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Something broke in her that wasn't ever fixed. So, I've never really gone full "no contact" with her - because how could a person not have compassion for another who all these years later was still stuck in the same pain? I do however, protect myself... from letting it affect me so deeply that I can't be "who I am" with others.

It makes absolute sense to me, that your mom still figures so strongly in this time of grieving Bill. I think your key to opening the door to your understanding of the whole thing is already in your hand... and now it's just a matter of organizing it all in a way you have that "AHA!" moment and see your way to being free-er from it. It's a puzzle - some take more time than others.

Hang in there dear - and find those little moments of joy in each day, despite all else you think about and feel. They're there and it's OK to cry, wail, rage against the storm... smile and laugh and kiss the babies... unto total exhaustion. You'll rest & recover and start again. It's the way of things; in it's own time.

Bettyanne:
Oh thanks so much for your advice......and kindness.  I think I never had that either....One of things in common and believe me I am 84 percent Irish descent when I say this.....both mothers where Irish assholes.....Bill's and mine......I think they came from assholes as well......
I think the younger generations have improved in Ireland......like sex abuse of the priest on young boys.  I had that too....I think a while back I wrote about my two sons being abused in the Catholic school by the priest....I won't go into that now but my mother said your not going to to sue the Church......well the boys did and thank God they did.......
So you can see no matter the subject my mother was a sicko or what ever you want to call her.  My therapist said she never did anything for you it was what she did with me to make her self look good.
But putting that all aside right now........let me say what has been going on in San Francisco since I have been here:
my daughters fiancé almost died a few nights ago from taking some kind of drug....omg he kind of died right in front of us....stopped breathing ...we call 911 and was able to get help......at first he had a low pulse no breathing and then they were with time able to revive him.....omg I was beside myself and thank God he is alive now and in a rehab as I write this.  He went straight to hospital where they kept him in ICU......with oxygen going .....I pray he will heal........another one with alcoholic mother and husband left her with 3 boys and he married someone else and had 5 more kids.....omg what shit is that???
My therapist said my mother should have never married or had any kids....because she was never a mother.  She ran away to a office everyday 6 days a week.  And left my retareded brother with her crazy old mother.  My grandmother if I even want to call her that screamed and yelled all the time.  Was a total nut case came from Ireland could never read or write.......hows all crazy. 
My dad goes along with all of this and never sticks up for himself or me......forget that.
My whole childhood and adulthood was a mess.  Except for Bill.......yes he came from alcoholic family more Irish shit.....but he had 35 years recovery before he died. 
I never had anyone and I mean therapist say except now at age 77 to get away from my mother.  What was wrong with the therapist I had age 24 after I ended up in mental Hospital ?? no one telling me to get away from these sick people.  Life centered around my mothers wishes......which was her doing what she wanted and no being home. 
I asked a old friend who remembers she didn't know my mother because she was never home......ok and she was afraid of my grandmother so never came into my house. 
But I am sure am grieving the loss of Bill and can hardly know what to do without him.  He was so loving and kind and had a similar mother as mine as well.    God surely blessed me with him....and the loss of him is so hard hard hard.  He never liked my mother and suffered abuse from her too.
But now these two Irish shit heads are dead and so is my wonderful kind loving husband Bill. 
I will figure out what I need to do with time.......I had one friend say take a year for yourself...PS she knew my mother and said she was the worst too. 
Your all right in what your saying and I appreciate that.......that helps me a lot and I will let go in time.  I know my brain deserves a break ..........
I do need to let go of my mother she doesn't even deserved to be call a mother.  I call her Betty Lawler......now.....
You have all been so kind in your responses.......Thank you so so much.....it really does help me because I know you all understand narcissistic and Borderline which is what my T said Betty Lawler had......so so grateful to all of you.......Love, Bettyanne.

sKePTiKal:
Oh betyanne...
I just want to hold you right now.

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