Bettyanne my husband died......Sept 8th

[Bettyanne]

I haven't been on here in a while.  My husband Bill was sick and dying for the past 3 years with cancer.  He sadly died a few weeks ago.  I have been married to him for 56 years.  He was the love of my life.  Today I wonder what will I do without him???
WE were 16 and 17 when we met.  We feel in love in a very short time......and married 4 years later.  Life sure had its ups and downs........Bill was alcoholic came from such a family.......but he became sober 35 years ago.......He spent his time helpling others recover too.  He had alcoholic parents and a brother too.  Its what we do with what we get???

Life taught us a lot and we worked at repairing the childhoods we came from.......both mothers were so off......they both new everything and really new nothing.  We both ended up in therapy and Bill in AA too.  We were by no means perfect, we lived through a lot of shit and learned a lot of how not to be.....

I have just let off a bit.......
Thank you friends.......
Bettyanne..

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Bettyanne,

I’m so sorry to hear about Bill.  Please take care and know that we’re here for you in these difficult times.

As always,

Richard

[Bettyanne]

Thank you so so much.........I am so grateful........Thanks, Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

Bettyanne,

I am so very sorry.
May Bill rest in peace and may you find peace in all your days.
Even when we know it's coming, this kind of loss is so hard.

I was glad to learn more about him--he must have been a remarkable man. And he was lucky to be married to you.

Sending you comfort and care.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I am so sorry for your loss, m'dear. I know how huge this can feel. (My hubby died 5 years ago.)
I'll bet you can tell a lot of stories about your life with him.

Feel free to talk out those memories and your experience as you go through this new life "time". Everyone's journey is uniquely their own. Do you have local, face to face support? Children or church? Friends?

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Bettyanne, I'm so sorry.  I've often wondered how you and Bill were getting on.  I'm so sorry to read this and hope that you are able to come here whenever you need or want to.  I'm so glad you and Bill had each other for so long and that you were able to overcome so many things together.  I'm sure you've got a lot of lovely memories and much to share with your children.  I'm so sorry for your loss xx

[lighter]

I' m sorry you lost your Bill, but glad you were loved and cherished in your life.

It's a special thing to have that.

It will always be yours. 

Love isn't a linear thing.  It's always with you, (( Bettyanne.)) 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thinking of you, (((((BettyAnne))))).

I hope you have much love around you from your
children and grandchildren, and that every lovely
hour feels like ten.

Hugs and comfort,
Hops

[Bettyanne]

I forgot to add we have six kids........I didn't do things at times that made sense....I was raised Catholic......so the rules were to be followed (my mother was the Catholic one who went to church all the time and treated my childhood family like shit.....I'm sorry to use that word but it fits) She lived to 100 plus 8 months and was always more interested in herself then anything.....
So Bill and I had 4 kids in about 3 years because the religion said no birth control.....well throw that one out the window.......as for sure the church people weren't going to give you a hand neither did my Narc Mother.......but we went on later to 2 more kids.....Life is great how it teaches you in time what you need to learn. 
Bill taught at Catholic private boys schools......well there goes another lesson.  I need to laugh right now because we were so brain washed by these people too.  Today I believe in God but not any religions that want to control you.......actually that was my NM who was a control freak too.
So my life lesson as I see it......that Bill and I loved each other no matter what......we lived through so much of immature parents......my dad who was immature too but he was nice died at 51 and the bitch a 100.......well thet tells a lot.
I am so so grateful that God put Bill in my life and me in his life.......we both helped each other and we saw the truth about both our families.......and it sure was a lesson.   I am so grateful for every minute I had with him.........He was so kind and loving to me.......yes the alcoholism was a night mare but we made it through that too.......
I am presently at my youngest daughters and she has Cystic Fibrosis and her fiancé left her 3 weeks ago.....another nightmare brewing .......but I will pray and hopefully at 77 years old says some right words to encourage her on her journey.  As my NM said to me your not going to blame CF on me....but it is a gene I inherited......stupid woman.  That gives you a little bit of what I dealt with her also my only brother was severely retared with Cerebral Palsy.....I am being sarcastic her I probably caused that one ......omg what an idiot she was.  She is only dead 8 years now. 
I am grateful for my wonderful husband and my kids.....and to you all for reading this.......I miss my husband Bill and I have learned to much in our 56 year marriage........lots of lessons.......can I laugh now at some of things sure I can......hahahaha
Thank you so much.......Love you all lots......Love, Bettyanne with all my baggage....and life lessons.

[Twoapenny]

You must miss him a lot, Betty Anne.  I'm glad the two of you were able to work your way through the upbringings and religious influences (I agree, they can be difficult to live under) and raise your lovely family together.  I hope the kids are all holding up okay.  It's such a shock when someone goes, even when they've been unwell, as Bill was.  He was very lucky to have all of you in his life and by his side xx

[Hopalong]

It sounds as though the biggest theme in your life with Bill was love and kindness, Bettyanne. That's such a beautiful thing to say at the end of a life. I'm glad you had him and learned together what was real and unreal about your pasts. What a bond!
I hope that closeness and love will always lead your memories as you visit them.

One day, I hope you will be able to take back your mind from your Nmother and no longer allow her the space. Once you release her to the universe and find new things to think about, you will release your own peace and contentment. You've already come a long way with that--it sounds as though the edge is grinding off the bitterness. That's real progress!

It's hard to believe in the middle of grief time, but you have happy moments and possibilities for peace and meaning ahead. All options for inner peace are ahead of us all, as long as there is life.

If you like to read, I think you would find Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl very helpful.

Hugs and comfort,
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Oh Thanks for your replies......
Letting go of my mother is a big one......one I really need to do.......she was not a nice person to me.  I think very jealous of me and she didn't like that I had a close relationship with my dad.....who I lost when I was 20.  My therapist says she was a N and Borderline combined.  As a kid she was the main boss in the house and ruled like a King .......I knew right on my dad had no say in anything nor did any of us.  My T says she was never a mother and should have never married or had children.

I guess the big lesson was how do I take back everything she took from me........like Love......caring and just being human??
Well its only 2 months since Bill passed and I miss him so so much.  I realize he truly loved me more so than anything I got at home as a kid.  That is huge ......I am so grateful.....that Bill was in my path......and at times it wasn't easy the opticals we jump, cross covered etc......WE made mistakes like we all do......expecially coming from selfish families or should I say uneducated families???? well I am sure that's par for the course. 
But I need to let go of the boss asshole.......yes I said it......she was mean and cruel.....she only thought about herself.  Well that was her choice but not mine.  I loved my kids and Bill with all I could offer them........I was not perfect but I wasn't mean.  I didn't call my kids names that didn't feel good......thank God I could see the light a bit.
We all just want a good life not perfect but a kind one......that's what I learned......I hope I never see that bitch woman again. and I will continue to miss Bill.....and I learned a lot too....how not to be......
Thanks again friends for your nice replies......Love, Bettyanne

[lighter]

I don't think you have to take anything back from your mother, Bettyeane.

I think you need to remember how amazing and perfect you always were.  It's the truth your mother covered over with her narrative and abuse.....
but it's always been the truth.

Once you notice her voice in your head....
Justb become aware of UT, without judgment....you have the choice to banish her voice and remember Bill's.

In the meantime, be so very kind to yourself.  Again, drop all judgment, get very curious about your inner world and how you feel in tour body.

Honor that information.  Stay mindful....if you're still long enough, what's behind it will show itself to you....and ask to be tended to. 

You're ok, Bettyanne.  Everything will be ok.
Lighter

[Bettyanne]

Lighter......I had that asshole in my life for 69 years......and your right......I need to see she is dead and buried at age 100 only 8 years ago.  I think she did so much harm to me is the problem???
I surely will try and look at it differently........I appreciate your reply......thank you for saying what you did.......
AT age 77 now and alone......without Bill......life has given me a big one to accept.  The good news is she is dead......and Bill was so good to me......I realize I was so brainwashed as my T said is the problem with her still being in my head.......I need to do some head clearing haha.......and just keep Bill there......
Thanks so much, Bettyanne

[sKePTiKal]

Yes; she once upon a time did harm Bettyanne. It was very real; and it hurt like hell. You are not permanently damaged as a result of her attempts.

Yes; you and Bill stood strong in your love for each other against the odds. And you still carry that with you. Because it's precious to you.

You do NOT have to carry around the harm your mother did; don't continue to nurse those wounds and remind yourself. Let them heal; let the love you know about heal them; and let them simply become old dry history. You rejected it then - knowing it was wrong. Reject it again NOW, and let yourself become of beacon, a lighthouse, of the love you know is real - for others.

You can do this Bettyane. You've already proved you can.