Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The Lake House
lighter:
We're back at the lake house. DD18 wants to go back home tomorrow and I'd love to accomodate her.
If I can get enough done, we'll go.
The contractor will open up a doorway in the laundry room INTO the master closet, taking out the wall between closet and the office so it becomes it's own bed and bathroom with private entrance.
A wall has to be built in the master bedroom to close off the new toilet room and wetroom with what I hope will be a freestanding tub, shower an small vanity. I hope to put a 72" granite top vanity in the entrance, the old master closet, along with a petite closet for guests. I can do that if I replace the K bed with a Q. That room has a big window with lake view too. I'm trying to move as few doorways and walls possible, but still get a great space. Just when I thinkI have it figure out..... there's something else to figure out. Things come up the whole way through and I enjoy problem solving, truth be told. DD18 hates everythin about it and doesn't want to hear about it.
The large wet bar in the master will come out and we'll put in a 6.5 wide built in closet in that space.
The new bathroom will have a big window and view of the lake where the tub goes. I'm pretty excited about it. Contract signed, everything on GO.
Tomorrow the Contratractor will stop by and change out the ceiling fan in the bedroom we just finished. I can put it all together an move in, so work can begin in the master. Vrey exciting.
Lighter
lighter:
OK.
I just finished pushing on a big sturdy doorjamb...... till the top of my head feels like it might dent up.
GRRRRRRRR.....I could leave this post under Mindfulness thread or Lake thread or...... start a no good deed goes unpunished thread.
And it had to GO this way, bc THIS lesson is mine tillI learn it, process it and file it away somewhere deep inside.
The yard guys..... really a handy man who works for a yard guy..... along with his friend. HARD ASS WORKERS, to be sure.....
every step had miscommunications. Disaster of communication.
When workers fail to bring their own water...... it's a red flag.
When they don't have a ballpark price.... red flag.
The entire situation is problematic, has been, but I'm really good at flying above it OR APPEARING to fly above, and sometimes I don't recognize it myself. I DID recognize the red flags.....but so wanted the little guy with gumption to get ahead. I would have liked to....
To BEa part of his getting ahead.
That won't be today and I'm not upset with them. I'm upset with myself, my inability to SEE red flags and act accordingly....... bc....
acceptance.
FFS........ my left nostril is COMPLEtely stopped up or I'd be breathing parasympathetic NS back into life......
::patting shoulders, one at a time, slowly::..
Calmer now. I see where some of the miscommunication happened. They wanted to do so much more than I was bargaining for..... and I said what I meant and meant what I said.
Bee .... what? Ignored everything I said and quoted the entire job as HE envisioned it, including much much more than I asked for. He IS planning a wedding. I'm sure there are money issues he's trying to square away in his head, but it's a problem to ignore what I say, bc I'm apparently pretty sensitive about being ignored BY MEN. Again. Honestly, being ignored by anyone is a problem. It's not men.
And that's a big fatt F issue for me. Right now. Woof.
So, I'm clear with the guys when I ask for ONLY YARD and ROOF to be done, quoted, dealt with... NOTHING ELSE.
I'm ignored.
I go into SHUT IT DOWN NOW mode, without hesitation, which is interesting to me. Once the switch is thrown, I'm all throttle.......
And I must tell you. Part of this is what it takes to plant and grow grass. I just don't understand buying yourself a job requiring so much water and chemicals and equipment spewing fumes, requiring maintenance. I just don't. Georgia is full of breathtakingly beautiful manicured lawns and planting beds. I admire them while wondering out loud WHYsomeone would want to spend what it must take to maintain it.
I don't understand.
My holiday weekend has turned upside down with calls and texts about grass. Bee said he'd cut it. Promised it wouldn't be with a push mower. He shows up with a push mower at 5:55 am yesterday AND one string weed wacker.... WTF? I KNEW..... that's why I asked to make sure he woiuldn't be showing up with a push mower. My instinct was he could't DO IT.
All heart and no equipment, so he asks his boss, the guy who owns the yard company, to bring the mower, then boss man is involved, but BEEand friend already worked SO hard to cut a small portion of grass and I just wanted them to GO AWAY. I feel like I'm cheating them BEFORE the grass is cut. All heart.... no equipment.
How much do I need to pay you to GO AWAY NOW? I meant it when I said it. Again.
I'm a very focused ceature at times. I CAN focus.
I can be overtly caretaking. I so wanted BEE to do well.
Bee quoting a job I never asked him to do, while the boss man was cutting grass I agreed would be cut...... my reptilian brain lost it's shit.
Not a crazy high quote, but a quote I never asked for on a job I SPECIFICALLY said I didn't want to do today, and there's poor BEE, standing out there with nothing to do, scratching chigger bites (bc he's wearing flip flops and shorts) while his friend weed eats around the trees and his boss cuts the grass.... BEE has nothing to do after he manufactured this job out of nothing, and that feels....
really......
upsetting to me.
Pity clouding my judgment and I know better. I do.
This is hurting the right side of my chest now.
It's moved from my head to my chest.
I'm shifting to self care.... will eat and count the hours of mowing. Began at 8:30am. It's a little after 10am. It's gotta be 4 acres of grass? And lots on a hill.
I managed 5 breaths through left nostril by holding it open...... it's not the quote that's the problem. It's not the job or the grass or the frustrating language barrier..... it's that I do this, over and over and I haven't learned the lesson. Yet. It's my part in this that's frustrating me, if I'm honest.
I don't have the bandwidth to figure out how to make use of Bee NOW bc I have other things I'm focused on. I have to let that go.
OK... I just had Bee help move a hugely heavy toilet into the house for the project he is working on. I explained to him what happened, with him quoting a job I didn't ask about..... and he broke my heart again when he said "I'm not right in the head."
He did that right after I asked about his fiance...... what does she do, I asked? He said "nothing." I asked about her work? He said she does nothing again. I said.... does she care for children? Bc thats a job, and he said NO. Lady of liesure? Yes. I'm thinking lady of liesure won't be the person to do anything in this business, so I just stared at him when he asked if I had something for her to do.
Bee is a very simple man with a hard working heart and I can see the field now. Lord, love a duck, the man is holiday weekend peble.
And I see so much potential. I do.
My brother deserves help with the grass. He's taken care of it all these years. This is a truth.
I don't think I'm the person to deal with it, thouogh I'd like to use the zero turn mower. My sister learned how to use one yesterday.
You see my ambivalence there? I see it.
Bee and I agreed we needed to be more careful with communications goiing forward and everything's OK..... I can't do anything about a fiance who doesn't work, but I can feed myself, take my supplements and get on with my stuff.
Bee is very earnest. Like myself. I'm overtly sympathetic. I see that now.
In this moment, I know everything will be OK.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Aw, Lighter. I tend to have a 'it'll be fine, I'll deal with it' attitude to most things. It's an Achilles heel, for sure. I noticed it in myself today. The headphones I bought only work in one ear. That's fine, I thought, I can hear it fine, maybe it's me doing something wrong. And then I thought, no - I'm going to ring the shop tomorrow, ask them if I need to do something to make the other side work and if not, ask them to replace them. I don't know why we're sometimes hard wired to just go 'okay' - and then watch the situation get worse. I'm glad you spoke with him and got some clarity of the situation. And I hope that you're feeling calmer again soon xx
lighter:
Thanks, Tupp:
I already feel calmer just watching the yard guys drive off.
None of the grass on the bank was mowed...... they mowed only around the house, which is a lot, BUT...... I thought they'd mow everything. So many disconnects and misunderstandings. I completely understand why I've kept my head down and mostly refrained from having relationships for so long.
I know there are worthwhile relatioships. I wonder what, at this point in my life, I'd consider bottom line worthwhile.
It will be good when you have working headphones, Tupp. I want to hear how they work out; )
Lighter
Hopalong:
(((((Lighter))))
This rang cathedral bells for me:
--- Quote ---I'm overtly sympathetic. I see that now.
--- End quote ---
I remember back when I was trying to figure out why so many different men have fixated on you, causing you intense internal stress, and I speculated that it was because of your overwhelming sexiness. I apologize. (Not that you're NOT sexy!).
I think it's the above, your own insight. It makes so much more sense.
It's not that your empathy is "bad", of course! It might be how you instinctively project a great BIG warmth and concern -- with impact on them you don't anticipate because it's your natural reflex. It's just...big.
Hmmm. I can imagine loads of men, unhappy with themselves or their woman-situations -- being set afire by that alone. It's an old old story.
And that old story has wound up more than once with them responding to you in a raw or even at times aggressive way that has tripped your spidey alarms.
I'm thinking as you continue to heal and soothe yourself, calmly and kindly, you're going to be able to tune into your own energies in encounters. NOT just "fight or flight" but the subtler stuff, which could be just two questions in the moment:
How much tenderness and accomodating and helping vibe am I emitting?
What does it feel like to try holding my goodwill more privately?
Reminds me of riding, how learning to use bit and reins and heels less, ultimately resulted in more -- peaceful cooperation between me and horse.
Ta da! Men are just horses. That helps (me). LOL.
hugs
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version