Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

The Lake House

<< < (13/47) > >>

lighter:
From 2 check stubs from 2020 I think I figured out how much my father's retired caretaker has been helping herself to over the years and a few years past his death.  It's enough to pay the taxes, insurance and a bit of maintenance on the house.

She isn't contacting me about it..... but that's what she's been told to do.

No hard feelings. A bit of confusion about her pushyness with brother..... still.

I considered calling her and decided not to.  My sister, the executrix TOLD her what was going to happen.  She ignored her.  Lied.  Stole and lied some more. Failed to provide the check when we asked for it. Kept taking checks. It's over now. 

What sister said is still what's going to happen. No need to say it again and shoot myself full of chemicals over it. Again.

That's about over.

I feel like things are coming into focus.... not just THINGS out there, out of focus..... overwhelming and upsetting and impossible to SEE all at once.

::nodding::.

Lighter

lighter:
Had an amazingly productive couple of days...... in many ways.

Got the 60" kitchen sink out, cleaned up and remounted.  CHECK.  It's sitting under 3 boxes of tile, glued into place.  The faucet (a big 24" tall industrial looking thing with a separate pot filler) is ready for installation, as are 3 new shiny drains to spiff it up.  The garbage disposal was removed from the small center sink, woo hoo!  Garbage disosals are gross and I will never have another one again.

The 33 year old downstairs AC unit needed a new compressor?  Engine? Whatever it was, it's IN and working and both units are now operating beautifully.  The installer is a friend of my brothers and we all went to the same HS. We had 2 really nice chats yesterday and today.  I know he had to drive a total of 8 hours to make that happen, so ever so grateful.  I hope he goes to the Island with his wife...they have a boat too. 

The tile install is complete in bathroom #2.  The shower floor is half poured in bathroom #3.  I'm not having benches installed in any of them..... more grout to clean.  A place to stub my toes.

I think paint will happen by the end of the week in those two bed and bathrooms.  Flooring happens next. Have to check on flooring an see about ordering hardwoods to get ahead of that next project in the main part of the house, then move downstairs after changing out the dishwasher up.

Oh.... the AC guy ordered 2 cans of coil protectant oil... spray. He'll send me pics of the stuff so Ican put it on file.  It should protect the split AC units on the island..... the salt air just eats metal right up.  HUGE problem.  Be wonderful to protect them with the right and est product available, woo hoo!

I figured out what appliances I have and what goes where..... we're going to have 2 dbl ovens downstairs,which means I need to purchase a smaller dbl oven for upstairs...... the one in place is failing, the seals need replacing...... very old and more troublethan they're worth.... I think.

My energy levels remain steady.  I pick up projects without emotional turmoil or procrastination lately.  Just..... picking up and putting down.... in the zone.  Living in the moment.  I have a smile on my face all the time.  I feel like I'm glowing. 

THe chats with AC guy were really amazing.  Caught up with the contractor... he and his wife are thrilled to have refinanced their home so they can purchase his brother's RV....... he's very excited about it and that makes me happy for them.  He was very vexed and worried through the refi process.  All better now.

DD19 wants to get some new work clothes today, which is new and amazing. Normally she doesn't want to do anything like that with me, but today....
today.....
she does.

Absolutely glowing, I tell'ya!

Lighter

lighter:
Caretaker's dd texted me about picking up the fencing around the Lakehouse garden this morning. 

She wasn't clear and never is, but that's OK..... we figured it out and they're picking up fencing today.  Glad, bc I wondered if they wanted it at all... it's been so long. Whether she's messing with me is beside the point.  I get frustrarted, bc it's always difficult. I wonder why I expect it to be otherwise, truthfully.  My expectations require tweaking.  Not the situation or other people's actions, etc. 


And... if I'm honest..... the DD messes with the image I hold for myself.  She blocks me, whether she knows it or not.  I think it reminds me of the ILs who refused anything I gave up or offered (regarding visits with the girls) and wanted ONLY what they could take by force, which wasn't good for anyone. 

And that, I realize, creates confusion for me.  Eveyrone's intentions swirl around, acts of harm happen for reasons I understand, but can't abide, allow or support and I'm.....I'm defending decisions I should never have to defend. 

Good boundaries, on my part, would simplify everything and end all the angsty confusion, IMO.  It's getting easier to see.  oMore familiar. Easier to bounce over and not pick up.

Just..... healthy boundaries up in place, where they belong.... wouldbe good.

Lighter

lighter:
Finally walked through bathroom #2 and it's been painted, at least one coat, on ceiling and walls.  The pecky cypris walls went white from natural, bc we felt the shower steam would penetrate eventually. I'll get up there and caulk.... I love to caulk.  It will look amazing and clean and white and fresh..... so close to being done. 

The tile will get light gray grout on the light gray 12"x24" faux stone tiles put in vertically, which means there was a lot of waste, btw. The shower floor is faux marble white pebbles, which means they're very flat and fit together much nicer than real pebbles.  These have a bit of gray in them and will receive the same gray grout.

The flooring goes in next, LVP then the 30" vanity, mirror and light.... I brought a better faucet with me.  The contractor has a preferece, which is saving him and me from troubles down the road,  I know.  No medicine cabinet in that room.  Straightforward.  Huge shower, tub in the bedroom hasn't yet been started, but we've figured it out already... at least the big stuff.

 I'm happy to find the little sample paint cans on my desk..... black chalk paint for at least 1, maybe 2 or 3 or 4 fireplace mantles, but for sure the GreatRoom FP will go black.  There's robin egg blue for bathroom #3, likely, but will see.  The wallpaper in there is the Lincrusta embossed stuff appearing like tin tiles..... it's new white paint...now..... but will be what likely gets color. The cabinet, now water damaged oak, will get painted also. The counter is black speckled corian, which stays.  The tile in there will be white marble 2'x4' honed subway tiles.... all three bathrooms will be different. I have to say, the easiest was bathroom #1 with the shiny small subway tiles in faux white marble.  I think I'll use up all the gray 2x4' tiles then shift to finishing the balance of bathrooms in bath #1 tiles,but with dark gray shower flooring.  I think I bought dark floor tiles for bathroom #3,but will have to check. Maybe I just picked up samples and didn't finish.

I realize I'm a bit manic right now.  3rd cup of coffee, lots to do and some jobs I really enjoy.  I need a better way to vaccum large areas..... sheetrock dust upstairs and little centipedes in the basement, but not letting it pull me off track.

Lighter

lighter:
I've spent hours researching black and charcoal paints, waxes and lacquers for the kitchen cabinets, island and bar. 

The intention is to mix painted cabinets in with very distressed oak (just distressing existing cabinets, adding brown and black layers of wax or glazes, then sealing each with more wax or clear coat till it appears 200 years old) and doing so that it's balanced and overtly amazing to look at and work in.

 I'm very excited aout this.  DD21 has seen enough photos and walked through the project enough to SEE the vision and trust it will be fantastic, though she has no emotional attachment to the project.

That means youngest dd is obligated to oppose the project, dismiss the idea of it and criticize it without doing any research or understanding it.

I'm pulling back and noticing what they're doing, how I'm responding to it and deciding what I'll do next. 

Old patterns would be me bending over backwards to gain their compliance, which they seem unable to give at the same time, for whatever reason.  They're not children any longer.  I'm not parenting toddlers.  I have choices.

I'm not focusing on that right now.  Maybe never again in any case.

I'll do an amazing job on the kitchen and I really want to tackle that soon.  I WILL tackle it once I finish the research, make the plan, gather the materials, hopefully create a spray booth in the garage when the weather cools down AND the girls are more squared away.  Oldest DD21 has a plan to find part time employment to pay her bills WHILE researching careers and schools.  She chatted happily with me about it yesterday.  The entire day went like that.... really well.

Youngest is struggling at the house to find sand paper and the drummel.... she DID find the drummel, but after much trouble.  I pick her up in the next couple days and head to Atlanta early September.   Oldest said she'll remain at home while DD1 and I travel, which is good. I want to have some private time with DD19 to see where her head's at.  I'm not sure where she is with the Eating Disorder..I know she missed an ED therapy appointment this week.  I don't know how she's doing with food.  Will figure that out.

In the meantime..... I'm calculating closet build outs and a barn door for the second bathroom and maybe the up Master closet.  There's a lightswitch in the way, at the moment, or that would be a no brainer choice, IMO.

I'll head to the big building and see about starting a tractor and lifting out fence posts for the Phillopina, or not... bring the shop vac, with the wide mouth, to get up the centipedes up in the basement.  I decided they can stay where they are till I have more to work with than a tiny mouthed wet dry vac, yup yup yup.  In my own time.  Not letting other people's opinions and ideas of how IT MUST be done  get inside my head. If they want it done a certain way....theyr'e welcome to do it.

Everything in the kitchen is everywhere at the moment and I'm OK with it.I can see where I'm heading and there are thousands of decisions to be made about what to put back into the kitchen, for Airbnb renters, what to put in boxes for our use when we're here and what to put in boxes to take OUT of the house....... things for us and the kids to paw through and select things they remember from childhood, the Ohio farm, happy baking in the kitchen...... everyone should take something or decide they want nothing, IMO.  I'll deal with the rest or send it to the cousins if they're interested. 

What usually happens is my brother says he and his kids want nothing, then his dd decides she wants something and I feel vindicated in keeping everything, bc...... the kids should have what they want from the family stuff handed down to us.  It happened at Christmas with my mother's clothes..... there were really great cowboy items my niece was very excited about. I loved that for her.  It makes me feel warm and happy just to remember it.  So..... ya.  I save stuff.  I need a better system and to make final decisions, this is also true, but worrying is taking up less head space for me now.  I have room to DO the things I NEED to do, IME. 

It's like a giant puzzle with thousands of moving pieces..... there will be places for many of the things..  We're in the middle of renovations, so it's a matter of timing.  And finishing the 2 bedrooms now under construction so I can move things INTO them while finishing the hardwoods in the main rooms.  I'm OK with moving things around, furniture, lighting and art...... family stuff..... until it's time to make final decisions.... I'll make decisions I can and edit as I'm able, but things will be mess for a while.  That's just the way it is. 

Hardwood will get refinished.  Sheet rock dust will fly.  The furniture I brought for family Christmas is leather covered in plastic drop clothes.... it can be wiped clean when it's time to uncover and put it in place, bc it's HERE. Now.  Worrying and fretting about the big jobs isn't productive.  They're counter productive.  Do I believe that yet?  Why YES...I think I DO!  I'm talking myself into and out of habits, me'thinks.  It's OK. It will be OK.

I'm a little surprised at my comfort with that amount of chaos, frankly.

My brother has zero tolerance for it and I understand where that intolerance comes from. I don't judge it.  I get it.

I do, however, need to distance his discomfort in order to keep my equilibrium inside this project.  I'm living it, just as I lived the Cottage renovations..... just.... deeply immersed and moving forward as I could....... trying not to allow others to slow me down or sabotage me too badly.

So...... that's the thing..  What I allow.

How do I change my old patterns? Old reactivity.

How do I limit the chaos and not INVITE it in, better still?

I'm curious how much I invite, how much I allow and how much I grudgingly put up with for the sake of peace and how I'll change those patterns going forward.  And what's with putting up with chaos in order to protect and serve to the best of my abilty? 

WHY is it MY job to protect and serve?  ALWAYS?  I'm questioning that, Hops.  Questioning this renovation and why I'm jumping in, grabbing horns and wrastlin so hard with them.

And I DO believe I'm changing patterns.....  even as I write this.  Expanding choice.

I'm setting intention and once I've decided.... once I've found clarity...... nothing will pull me off center, at least not in that arena..... not easily, anyway.

It's all postiive and I've achieved more emotional distance just writing about it here.

I'm going to do the lean, regarding placement of the second Queen bed.  NO decision is one I can manage to physically handle on my own, btw.  I have to ask for help to move one or the other Q bedframe OR King mattress set up or downstairs.  Moving the King bedset UPSTAIRS had it jammed in the stairwell during a snowstorm we were trying to outrun.

I should have done the lean sooner, yup yup yup.

Lighter

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page