Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Was Anyone Else a Lost Child?

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Hopalong:
Bettyanne,
I'd like to salute your courage.

At 77, to be coping with grief, catching up with the hard work of processing your life and challenges, and willingly embracing therapy shows you've chosen to heal and to continue loving life. You haven't given up. I think that's powerful and deserves so much respect.

I'm especially touched as ever by Tupp's compassion and patience with the way we all grow and learn. Everyone should have such spacious kindness in their life.

I hope in some of the ideas, techniques and supportive thoughts, you'll find those that give you new strength.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Healing, IMO, is just as individual a process as grieving. What I know best, is my process. Does it, will it work for everyone? I wouldn't expect it to. There are some things I do, that come with the disclaimer "don't try this at home". LOLOL.

Some things work great for some people; but other people not so much or even at all. So collectively, as a group, there is always something of value in each person's story & path of healing. Some nugget of buried treasure that resonates so loudly, it generates enough energy & excitement for another that the light bulb goes on. So, you take what resonates, hits home, makes sense to you... and leave the rest.

Maybe the one thing, that does apply to everyone, is the acceptance and acknowledgement that we are all unique individuals and being "heard" as one, is a rare or in some cases non-existent experience. I know if you've ever had to depend on a PD parent - a common experiencce with childhood is to feel as if there is something "wrong" with ourselves, because we're not like the PD parent - who scapegoats those children who won't "pretend" to be just like them. That seems to show up in all our stories, early on in explanations of what we've lived with and through.

As for my choice to separate and free myself from my mom's influence on who I am... that wasn't just waking up one day thinking - "I think I'll do this instead of what I've been doing". Oh noooooooo. That's one of the things that took so much time. I had to study my self; all the ways I that even in my thoughts & feelings I gave up control over my own choices (or boundaries) because she is my mother. Then, I had to question my deepest feelings - the one's that are just ME and ask if I really was willing to do this, and was I OK with the fact that what I give is never going to be reciprocated? And then, I observed - that some days, I could give what she was demanding... and other days I just didn't want to or couldn't; and I gave myself permission to "not be there" for her on those days.

Because people do have the power of choice and critical thinking; asking questions & facing reality and our selves; none of what was experienced in childhood has to be a life sentence. Maladaption and old coping mechanisms are how many of us survived to adulthood with some autonomy maintained. But that's nothing at all as serious as having a PD (personality disorder). So, because of the brain's plasticity its possible to change habits of thought and behavior; to consciously choose our selves; to patiently work toward feeling comfortable enough to reveal that real, inner self to others without overwhelming fear of reprisal, punishment or "something bad happening" - ie, karma.

I still observe myself being/saying something that is practically "channelling" my mom. Hol, my D, ALWAYS calls me on it, too. I am lucky enough to have an old BFF from junior high; we knew/know both of our mothers... and V will also tell me I'm "doing it again". LOLOLOLOL. That's valuable help, actually. So it's still in my head - and I'm still trying to be aware of just parroting that crap, reacting without being conscious of what I'm doing - and trying to stop for a nanosecond or twenty to scrape that out of my head and find my authentic response.

It's still all a "work in progress" - but that's how I'm more me these days. In a way, more free from the past. People use the phrase "letting go" a lot. But since I gotta be different and do things my way - I kinda changed that around to "moving on" from the past. IE, a conscious decision to take the first step, then the next, and many more after that without dragging the old baggage (or old bag) with me.

If any of this helps - put it into your own process. If it doesn't, well then - we're just talking. Right?  ;)

Bettyanne:
I was giving this some more thought??
I think I was a pain in the ass to this woman who called herself my mother.......ha
She did everything from put me in daycare until I was 5, and then I went to two years of first grade.....no kindergarten because she was working ...ha
So put the kid in a situation that would be more helpful to oneself ......of course.
Who wants to be bothered with a kid.....
Especially when you got a husband that is making a good salary...
a mother who is old and taking full time care of your cerebral palsy child???

All I know is being told lately from my T that I never really had a mother......that fits
only a person who when I got my drivers license I could now drive her and become useful for her.

What the H???
I wonder what happens to this type of person when they die? I am not wishing her anything but is this truly a sick individual who got away with escaping her son and daughter.....who loved to fight with her mother when ever they were together......as the her mother lived with us.....screaming and yelling all the time and stealing my dads booz????
so much for parent hood......
Lost Child......I was one pain in

 the ass kid she had to put up with..as I did nothing ever to her but be born......

My dad did great pickings in choosing a wife??? what ever you want to call this person
He never stood up for himself......ever

I hope your not the Lost Kid.......today......Love, Bettyanne

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---Lost Child......I was one pain in

 the ass kid she had to put up with..
--- End quote ---

Mind if I do a small edit, Bettyanne?


--- Quote ---Missing Mother......she was one pain in

 the ass mother I had to put up with..
--- End quote ---

You survived her, Bettyanne. You and Bill found each other,
had beautiful children, and built a good family full of love.

I'd say whatever was wrong with her (a lot), you took those
lemons and made love. Good for you.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
I think you've done an amazing job given the very difficult start you had, BettyAnne.  I suspect that a lot of men and women - possibly your mother included - had children simply because it was expected of them, and/or there just wasn't reliable enough contraception to prevent pregnancy.  I hope that you're able to get to a point where you don't feel it was some fault on your part - how can anything be a tiny little baby's fault?  But I suspect a lot of parents just weren't in a position to choose whether or not to have kids and I suspect a lot of kids suffered as a result.  My own mum loves babies, always has, but she likes the complete dependency.  As soon as they start doing their own thing she struggles to cope.  I often wonder if counselling had been as available many years ago as it is now how many of us wouldn't be working through these childhood issues through our adult lives.  Humans make a mess of things!  Goodness we can really mess things up.  I hope you are doing okay.  I think you're doing a great job xx

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