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Was Anyone Else a Lost Child?

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Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: bean2 on November 13, 2020, 08:23:28 PM ---Thank you for everyone who has responded to my posts.  I read them all, and sometimes read them more than once.

I am really struggling lately, with the realization that I was the Lost Child (third born) in my Family of Origin.

I want to break out of this role, but I am so scared.  Even thinking about doing something different brings an ache to my stomach.  It doesn't feel OK for me to stay where I'm at, though.

Where does this stuff come from? 

I guess I just need to take some baby steps.

any words of wisdom would be appreciated

bean

--- End quote ---

Hi Bean,

I think I realised as an adult that I had no idea of who I really was.  I don't think I really developed my own personality as a child.  I can remember reading a self help book about growing up with a narcissistic parent (Dr McBride; 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough') which is what brought me here, ultimately, and one of the exercises in there is a list of questions about personal preferences.  It's easy questions, what's your favourite food, favourite music, place you most like to holiday, what kind of clothes do you like, do you like wearing make up - just preferences, not right or wrong answers.  I couldn't answer a single question about myself - but I knew the answer to each question if it related to my mum.  So I kind of felt like an empty shell and have tried since then to get to know myself better and work out who I am.

I found, as I've mentioned before, doing 'kid' stuff with my son helpful.  I tried to do different things, just small things - listen to music I didn't usually listen to, read a different kind of book to normal, watch a different TV show.  Just to try different things out.  I try very hard to pay attention to how things make me feel, rather than letting my brain decide what I should and shouldn't do (I find that one very difficult).  I have tried to tune in to myself more, but I have (and do) find it hard, as I often found if I unpackaged a bit of myself a whole load of unpleasant stuff would come out at the same time.  I don't think I'd have coped without regular counseling sessions; it helped me to have an objective perspective and just have someone mirror things back to me so that if I was losing it a bit they could help point me in the right direction.  Journal entries helped, both as a release and it helped me see that I disassociated at times (I'd wondered if I did but wasn't sure).  I think with hindsight one of the things I struggled with is that I thought there would be an end point - a point at which I was 'cured', everything from the past was dealt with and life was just easy.  I've realised as time has gone along that I'm going to be my own life long project, which initially upset me.  But now I find I like the idea of learning more about myself and I think that's because a lot of the pain that I'd bottled up for years has been settled now.  I think just because I've grown into my own person and I feel more comfortable with myself.  It's still hard but I don't feel like I'm waiting for a sort of light bulb moment where everything's suddenly okay.  So yep, for me it was just about trying to do little things, notice how it made me feel, and I found professional counseling really helpful for getting me through the wobbly moments xx

Bettyanne:
Hi Two a Penny,
I can relate to you.......I had a cerebral palsy brother never walked talked or could feed himself, a nutty grandmother from Ireland totally uneducated with school or home life, who would scream and yell all the time and take my dad's booz when he wasn't home.  A mother who was a N and Borderline according to my T...... and sweet dad who fell into the trap of it all and never did anything to defend himself or me. 
I used to dream as a kid I was in quick sand going down and down......but the truth was I was going down and down.......I did realize at some point around age 4 I loved my dad.....was suppose to love my mother and grandmother but ??? nothing came in return from them.  At this point I am not looking for sympathy just realizing there was nothing I could do as a kid with all this total dysfunction.  OMG what does a kid do???

The nuns at school I could tell were told by my mother she had her hands full and the truth was she was out the door six days a week to an office.  I had a young friend who I asked what she thought of my mother, she said I didn't know or ever see her......so my old brain now is still working and truth was she was hardly home. 
I am alone now for first time in my life except for my six kids but I really feel so alone with my husband Bil gonel......who died 2 months ago.  Life goes on doesn't it no matter what happens......
So now my old age part of life is here and no Bill.  I cry at times and other times I try to figure out what will I do?'
I know my childhood family left me little to nothing what to do......as I need to face it......and do my best to figure it all out????

I like that you mentioned Dr.McBride......I met her years ago in Denver......Colorado.  It was good to meet a person like her who knew what a N was ......sick mean people is my own answer.  Life in my house was around my NM's desires......she was a runner, running away from anything she didn't like and taking it out on all of us......especially me. Because I was the kid and she could.
 
So where do we all go from here?? to have a better life, a loving life......one that we don't run away from and one we face it........yes we can go do fun things, or take a trip when this covid passes soon I hope.......and we love the people in our life we choose to love......and we hug each other because we care.....We also talk about how we feel......and cry at times too and also laugh. 

One lesson I learned from my mother Betty Lawler (she never taught me anything good)......I can love my kids....always have and not hit them.....not call them names.....respect them and they respect us back.....I am far from perfect but always learning and look forward to the days ahead.
Love, Bettyanne

sKePTiKal:
It's been 10 years or so since my T gently suggested that perhaps I could continue on my own and didn't need to see her anymore. Somewhere in that 10 years...

the lost child I WAS, once upon a time... either grew up or got comfortable with my type of mothering and healed... or there was another kind of transformation. The huge difference between my characteristics when I started therapy and now, is that I have more self-reliant confidence than when I started. There was an awful lot of work involving separating the things I was told I was from what I could say was my real self... and that took a long time before I realized I simply didn't have to believe or accept anything, anyone told me I "was". In the end, I am the final say there. And I can reject things that don't match up with my perception. Sure other people, are going to perceive differences from what we self-perceive. And I do seriously consider & ponder other people's opinions... and when needed work on how I express myself and communicate, to at least keep the differences in the same ballpark.

But the abusive things I was told were so unjust, unfair, and not even CLOSE to being accurate - they could only be projection and gaslighting. They really hurt - because they made me doubt my own perception of myself.

There are so many subtleties in human interactions that I think I wasn't exposed to - not being a "people-pleaser" vs being a self-centered jerk - and trying to find the comfortable medium spaces between those extremes. This is probably one of the things I still work on the most - trying to find where I'm comfortable on those kinds of continuums. A new one feels like a whole new universe is opening up - maintaining my self-reliance and independence within a committed relationship. Talking about navigating the extremes of the continuum! Can't be so independent that the connection suffers from lack of emotional availability and vulnerability... can't be so dependent, that I can't stand up for myself and rely on myself when needed either.

The continuum concept and the one I had years ago about things not being either/or proposition - but instead, truly an "and" situation - are probably the two most helpful ways of sorting my own tangled ball of yarn mess out.

Along with actually experiencing that I really could just be myself and "nothing bad happened". LOL.

Bettyanne:
Hi Skeptical......
When I read you wrote you were able to be free of your M......omg that was great ......that's what I needed to put into place.  Mine was never a mother or anything to do with a kid......
How freeing? was that to hear? I see you wrote in a ten year period of time...
I think no matter the time frame.....Just to know you could do that if it felt the right thing to do?
I so needed to free of mine....I was a kid who when she wanted to show she was a mother.....I was shown but when she wanted nothing to do with me which was most of the time....I was the pain in the ass kid. 
Why would she even want a kid......??
She only used me when I could do something for her.........
My Betty Lawler mother, died at age 100......so she used me and abused me all the way to this age.
She was user and abuser.....I only wish I had been able to ignore her or never see or hear her voice.  I did towards the end of her life.....to only talk with her on a day I picked.....as a suggestion by my T.
All I can think she was a life lesson...
Thanks, Bettyanne..
I still need to apply some action to my head.

lighter:
I hope you can release thinking in terms of needs and SHOULDs, Bettyanne.

Please consider treating yourself to as much self compassion as you'd extend to a small child.

Drop all judgments about everything, as you can, and try shifting into Observer mode....be curious in place of seeing things as bad or good.

And breathe, Bettyanne.  Pay attention to your breath, and how your body is feeling.  Pay attention to any pain or tension.  Put your hands on it and name it.

Tend to it as you would a child.

Lighter

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