Healing, IMO, is just as individual a process as grieving. What I know best, is my process. Does it, will it work for everyone? I wouldn't expect it to. There are some things I do, that come with the disclaimer "don't try this at home". LOLOL.
Some things work great for some people; but other people not so much or even at all. So collectively, as a group, there is always something of value in each person's story & path of healing. Some nugget of buried treasure that resonates so loudly, it generates enough energy & excitement for another that the light bulb goes on. So, you take what resonates, hits home, makes sense to you... and leave the rest.
Maybe the one thing, that does apply to everyone, is the acceptance and acknowledgement that we are all unique individuals and being "heard" as one, is a rare or in some cases non-existent experience. I know if you've ever had to depend on a PD parent - a common experiencce with childhood is to feel as if there is something "wrong" with ourselves, because we're not like the PD parent - who scapegoats those children who won't "pretend" to be just like them. That seems to show up in all our stories, early on in explanations of what we've lived with and through.
As for my choice to separate and free myself from my mom's influence on who I am... that wasn't just waking up one day thinking - "I think I'll do this instead of what I've been doing". Oh noooooooo. That's one of the things that took so much time. I had to study my self; all the ways I that even in my thoughts & feelings I gave up control over my own choices (or boundaries) because she is my mother. Then, I had to question my deepest feelings - the one's that are just ME and ask if I really was willing to do this, and was I OK with the fact that what I give is never going to be reciprocated? And then, I observed - that some days, I could give what she was demanding... and other days I just didn't want to or couldn't; and I gave myself permission to "not be there" for her on those days.
Because people do have the power of choice and critical thinking; asking questions & facing reality and our selves; none of what was experienced in childhood has to be a life sentence. Maladaption and old coping mechanisms are how many of us survived to adulthood with some autonomy maintained. But that's nothing at all as serious as having a PD (personality disorder). So, because of the brain's plasticity its possible to change habits of thought and behavior; to consciously choose our selves; to patiently work toward feeling comfortable enough to reveal that real, inner self to others without overwhelming fear of reprisal, punishment or "something bad happening" - ie, karma.
I still observe myself being/saying something that is practically "channelling" my mom. Hol, my D, ALWAYS calls me on it, too. I am lucky enough to have an old BFF from junior high; we knew/know both of our mothers... and V will also tell me I'm "doing it again". LOLOLOLOL. That's valuable help, actually. So it's still in my head - and I'm still trying to be aware of just parroting that crap, reacting without being conscious of what I'm doing - and trying to stop for a nanosecond or twenty to scrape that out of my head and find my authentic response.
It's still all a "work in progress" - but that's how I'm more me these days. In a way, more free from the past. People use the phrase "letting go" a lot. But since I gotta be different and do things my way - I kinda changed that around to "moving on" from the past. IE, a conscious decision to take the first step, then the next, and many more after that without dragging the old baggage (or old bag) with me.
If any of this helps - put it into your own process. If it doesn't, well then - we're just talking. Right?
