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Crazy family and trying to recover after my husband died????

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Bettyanne:
Just saying I never knew how to be?? I was called spoiled because my dad bought me toys?? but he never stood up for me......he never stood up for himself?? either......
My mother Queen of the Castle...... did what ever she wanted.....
Good or bad.....and most of the time it was bad......because it was about herself and doing for herself......She worked 6 days a week and died at age 100...omg in 2012 PS my dad, brother and grandmother all died within 7 months in 1964
It has taken me years of therapy etc.....to see this
But today I see it and see how immature and out of wack it all was..
Having her old mother live with us was difficult as well. She  never knew how to read or write....ok that doesn't make her bad but she was drinking my dad's booz and screaming and yelling all of the time....My mother was at work, leaving her mother to care for my cerebral palsy brother and I was in day care until age 5 and then sent to first grade for 2 years so she didn't have to deal with half day kindergarten....
Then I was sent at age 9 to an all girls school, run by nuns who were awful and not nice. Betty Lawler would not let me out of this school until I graduated at age 18.....I can tell you I hated it and and no choice because the Queen decided??
I see today how brainwashed I was into living with such dysfunctional family......
No one cared much about me......like I slept with my dad and brother until age 14....mother slept in sofa bed alone.  AT age 14 they bought 3 bedroom house and Betty Lawler Mother.....told me we would now be sisters and share a bedroom together......I said over my dead body......so I was able to get out of that..........omg such craziness
I am just saying here until I met Bill when I was 16 ......at least I had some normalcy.....
I am so grateful I met him.....His mother was a bit off too.........
I just need to find a place in my head that feels good after him dying......I am so so sad....and feel so alone....I know I am not alone with these feeling but so hard to deal with now.
Time...will help......
Thanks Friends.......Bettyanne

Twoapenny:
((((((((((((((((BettyAnne))))))))))))))  Things will feel better in time but it's a slow process and you've had much stress to deal with during Bill's long illness.  Be kind to yourself.  Feeling sad and alone is horrible but also a very normal part of grieving and I don't know of a way to get through the grieving process without experiencing that part of it.  Take very good care of you.  Give yourself the mothering that your mother was unable or unwilling to give.  Particularly be patient with yourself as all of these feelings and emotions pass through.  It's a very tough time.  Thinking of you xx xx

sKePTiKal:
It isn't going to feel any better for a little while, Bettyanne; but then that feeling of "alone" will change. For you, it might be a really GOOD thing to be alone - because that's how you find YOU; or at least how I found me.

I hear you talk more about Betty Lawler & Bill than your self, right now. But you're NOT THEM. Are ya? (Not saying it's bad; just feeding back what I see/hear.)

I can understand too, why the connection you had with Bill was so, so important. Precious. It's possible that after some time, you'll find his passing has given you one more gift but it is one you'll need to discover within yourself.

The day before Thanksgiving, the 24th, is the 5th anniversary of Mike's passing. My D has been pestering me to come spend the day with them; I make her SO feel pretty uncomfortable and vice versa. Because she is in her element when surrounded by others, she can't quite see how fabulous I find being alone with myself. How relieved, even. Yeah, I'd hoped my new fella - B - would be here, but he will be working to get here permanently and getting HIS D, successfully launched. Not much longer there. But we'll still communicate with each other - and I'm going to have a really good cozy day and I won't do the avoidance thing; I will go visit D and hang out a little bit. Maybe even talk to the SO.  ;)

lighter:
You're not alone, ((Bettyanne.))

You can always come here for fellowship and understanding.

Sadness is normal and of course you're missing your best friend and husband.  It's ok to be sad. 

I'm not sure where you live, but invite you to research therapists in your area specializing in trauma.  I found an amazing one practicing EMDR, memory reconsolidation with Buddhist leanings.  Not religion, but a way to be in the world so we suffer once, and release it.  So we suffer less and let it go.

That might not make sense now.  Healing isn't always a straight line, IME.  Sometimes it's an unexpected result of habits that seem unrelated, IME.  Sometimes it's what you might expect.

The important thing is to find a good trauma informed therapist you connect with, IME.  It's ok to interview many to find the right one.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Betty Anne,
In your grieving you are very very normal, I believe.
It's just that this kind of loneliness is the hardest kind, and especially near holidays.

You must be feeling bewildered over how much the loss of Bill can ache, and maybe you're reviewing your life (and Nmother) because you're hoping there will be a reason why it was that way for you (and your poor brother).

It's trite, but Why Bad Things Happen to Good People is a really helpful concept, and a simple book written by a very kind man.

I think you are very brave to put one foot in front of another right now. The only thing I can add after all the wisdom you've just gotten here is, you didn't deserve that treatment that haunts you. There was NOTHING about you that deserved anything but healthy positive parenting, and it was NOT YOUR FAULT you drew some unlucky cards in mother and grandmother.

Sometimes I think who our parents are is one of the most random things ever, and making peace with that is a lifelong challenge. It just feels so intentional, as we try to figure out our own identity based on them.

When Covid is passed and you can get out again, I hope you'll find a bereavement group AND a grief counselor. Those both can be pathways into feeling much, much better in time. And you will.

with comfort,
Hop

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