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How do I make the actual cutoff from my parents

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write:
it's a lovely time, first few months with your first baby.

"The problem that i have is thatI continue to feel sadness and guilt. I want my child to have grandparenst but I unfortunately do not have ones who I want my c hild to be around. "

I had the same thing with mine, but had to accept that no contact is better than damaging contact.
And life was a lot easier with no interfering parents, I tried to look at the positives as much as possible.
No there's no contact except with birthday and christmas and only by post.

You are grieving not only for the lost relationships but for the loss of what you would ideally like- what we all would- loving supportive grandparents for our children ( and loving supportive parents for us )

I made great strides with this once I accepted they aren't who I thought they were or wanted them to be, and no matter what I do or fantasise they never would be...it was letting go on two levels really.

Good luck.

mcginnis40:
Hello erin,

Congratulations on your new baby!  Don't let anything rob you of this joy.

I wonder...have you tried to talk to your parents the way you talk to the board?  That is, have you said to either of them that the status quo is damaging to you and will be damaging to your son, and that if they want him in their lives, they have to make some changes?  Sometimes the threat of non-involvement with a grandchild can be a real catalyst for change.

What progress I have made with my mother over the years (and it's not much) has been through discrete behavioral demands--that is, "you're not allowed to berate my husband when you're in my house" or "you're not allowed to read my mail, and if you ever do it again, you won't be welcome here, and if you don't believe that, try me."  The idea that it's wrong to berate my husband and read my mail simply doesn't register with her.  I can only get her to behave certain ways by telling her that if she doesn't, I will deny her something she wants.

The down side of all this is that it has forced me to see that my relationship with her has little core value to me.  I'm not willing to kick her out of my life--maybe I would be infinitely better off if I did.  I just don't know.  But the boundary-setting, behavior-management type of relationship is hard and bitter work.  Only you can decide if that work is worth it to you.

Best of luck,

Joyce

Anonymous:
You've done the right thing. Give your parents CONDITIONS under which they can see their grandchild. This is for your SON'S PROTECTION, not to punish them. If they don't like it, good riddance. You've done your job; which is to put your son first.

bunny

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