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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
The energies that hung like a low noxious fog cloud over 2020 (Hotel California, seems like that year's theme song) carries through the flip in the calendar year, but there are some new energies filtering in... change will begin to make itself felt and known.

Change is much easier to adapt to, when one recognizes that holding onto the past (as opposed to letting it go, even in memory) is actually a denial of the new circumstances of reality. That holds true internally, with ourselves, too. One's basic characteristics will find new ways to express themselves, if we allow - give permission - to that new expression. And we're always changing.

The same is true of people; much better to let everyone else show you who they are, rather than hanging onto a past idea of them, that one forms early on in the getting to know you phase. Even the people we've known for a long time - become different through living their lives - and it's possiblle that our perception changes too - so that there is a dynamic energy at work; and organic mutual energy exchange that keeps things in motion.

B's metal shop project got off the ground and on the schedule yesterday. It'll be a couple weeks before we actually start tackling that and there are a couple little things I need to do, prior. Hut garage will be closed in within a week. Today's cold - even to the point of being icy - dreck falling from the monotonous gray sky notwithstanding, outside work can commence around here this month - in prep for spring. None of it is difficult or physically heavy work, but it does need constant tending.

I could've spent time cleaning the house, but I didn't. I might make a "first layer" pass today - don't know yet. Been letting myself window shop new decorating ideas, thinking about updating my personal look (no decisions there yet)... and letting my head just calm down, relax, imagine & explore - my space. Hol hasn't been very active right now either; kinda on the same wavelength. She's getting more comfortable with "chop wood, carry water" and not venturing out of her space to rescue anyone. She's instead, cooking & baking. Refining her skills. Studio work/space is next; I made a first pass out there, too. I have the bug for some more practical space usage - for production.

B & I worked past/thru my meltdown about him not being able to give me an ETA yet. Truth is - I need to do some more stuff here, to make that move practical - TOO. And get a couple of old habitual thought/emotional patterns reined in, too. Conditional thinking is still plaguing me somewhat. And I KNOW it's a trap; LOL. Overall we're in a good place; solid; open & honest; still caring and a tuned-in connection that defies description.

Farm activities are going to shift into a new gear too - depending on some decisions (not just consideration of options) among the younger folk here. I can manage a good bit on my own, but I definitely need help with some things - even though my energy levels are better and physical stamina is coming back. None of that is terribly interesting work - but it might generate some good pics - and some good stories as I start expanding Hol's skillset in that direction too. She got gardening tools for Christmas.  :D 

I think it's trying to snow now; but it's mixed in with pouring rain.

Hopalong:
I'm interested in "conditional thinking", Amber, when you feel like talking more about it. (Sounds like a lesson I'd like to learn too.)

Meanwhile, you sound great. Workworkwork, puts me to shame, but also inspires. You're setting the stage for a next chapter at your end, just as Buck is doing at his.

Bravoooos!

Sounds like 2021 will be much happier for both of you, as all these things come into being.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Holding on to the past, Amber...
Like holding on to a rope sliding through our hands.  It's going, but the matter of rope burns remains tbd.

It's raining cats and dogs as dd20 drives us home from the farm in her lovely crv.  She's nervous and wide eyed by the big puddle noise and impact. Whooooo, bad deep puddles.  Gotta go!

Peace!

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
I have done this conditional thinking thing to myself more than once Hops; I know I can't help the tendency - given the circumstances I learned it under. That said - just like I watch my wonky ankle, I can watch out for this too.

It has variations on a theme, and some are sneaky, but in a nutshell it comes to the idea that I must be miserable with lonliness and longing, and unable to make a move re: a, b or c - because B isn't here. The condition being, that unless B is actually here - I am unable to function, beyond the perfunctory; I'm not in a relationship (!!) because he's not here; my life exists in limbo until the knight in shining armor rides in to make the sun shine again.

And once I recognize the notes of this theme starting to play out in the monkey mind... you can just imagine how irate and scathing I become to myself. They are the different movements of the symphony as the drama is just abhorrent to me (even tho I am creating it for myself)... and I work my way through to the simple fact that the premise of the original "condition" - me being utterly without autonomy, agency, or competence sans ANY man in my life - is so wholly UNTRUE and libelous as to be worthy of pistols at dawn. (Guess what I've been watching - LOLOL.)

Me??! A shrinking violet with a bad case o' the vapors? IN WHOSE FANTASY? Coz it ain't mine. But such is the power of those kinds of neural paths; habits of thought. And despite the years of evidence - some of it quite physically concrete, thank you - I still have to deal with this particular crisis of confidence from time to time.

This idiosyncrasy of neural path is very old; I have dealt with it a lot. I recognize the pattern; call it out when I see others doing it. Despise that I find myself doing it again. It's much easier to deal with now, for me. Because I don't need my happiness or efficacy in my life to be contingent on the condition of physical proximity to anyone; physical proximity is NOT required to have a relationship with someone. In a covert way, it's an attempt to shift responsibility - and therefore blame. And assume the role of victim.

I will. not. do. that. now.

I did indeed express my feelings to B - with all the grace & tact of a 3 yr old having a tantrum. And while I'm sure he "saw" a bit more into my usual reserved persona because of it, it rolled off his back like rain. It's still my job to dismantle & disrupt the conditional track of neural expectations in my head; not his. What he does - or doesn't do; where he is in closing his previous life; none of that impacts or restricts what I am capable of doing. And it doesn't change how I feel about him - that no matter how long this takes, he's worth waiting for - and that is BECAUSE the relationship exists outside of all those conditions, criteria - "this is what must be happening for a relationship to be a relationship" thinking. I am not going to curl up & die if my little girl romantic story doesn't follow a particular script or if my "demands" aren't promptly met.

I am not suffering, bearing a burden, sacrificing anything regardless of what my ego tells me I should be feeling. It's still my job to make sure my life is what I want it to be, and holding down my responsibilities and rallying my troops. No one else can stand in my shoes or make it easier. And it's been proven that I'm happiest when I'm in the flow of doing.

So putting a "condition" on my happiness is the height of self-sabotage.

Fortunately I can say, I recognized what road I was on pretty quickly and backtracked posthaste. LOL. One hates to be prey for the vagaries on one's own mind & past neural pathways, after all. It was still a close call.

Anyway, letting go the Victorian literary schtick...
in order for me to choose to more true to my self - I have had to work to let go those things I adopted to fit into dysfuctional situations/relationships, etc etc "old stuff" - I've had to purge it, as best I can - to make the space for stuff to be intentionally adopted and put to use. Every once in awhile, I run across something I forgot I saved during one of the purges... and it brings a shock of memories of the past. They exist in my own brain, emotions, and personality, too. Fresh coat of paint is just lipstick on a pig but I have tried that, looking for an easier way thru. Just foolin' myself. It either goes or I own it.

;)

Hopalong:
Wow.
I am too close to conking out to write a coherent reply tonight, Amber, but that gave me SO much to mull over. Thank you for writing all that; I appreciate it and relate to many bits of it.

For me, selfishly, the most important part is that it inspires me to deal. Just...to deal.

And: Bridgerton.

hugs
Hops

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