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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
Me too Hops. Me too.

Meanwhile, I'm going to try to make some more progress on my internal crap and because planting/growing is one of the triggers, it's a perfect time to shift out of the just doing it for the fun of it, then find myself unable to deal with the resistance, to the more intentional level of working at it. This is what "I WANT" and this is what it entails... and I don't have to make myself vulnerable to the old crap I've lugged around about it anymore. I really DON'T want to do that.

Since one of the other triggers is abandonment issues, I'm hoping to perhaps see where I can erode the underpinnings, lever that boulder loose... make some change there too.

Meanwhile, I am still committed to waiting on B; loving "us" the best I can in these circumstances - and while it's no secret I want more & different - accept that if this is ALL we're allowed by the universe, it still matters and is important. There have already been benefits for both of us. The tendency to impose my design/definition of "what things should be" often gets in the way of me seeing the things that ARE, that are valuable and precious.

There just might be some subtle conditioning going on that convinces people that relationships HAVE to be difficult, worked on like a complex "job" - instead of simply being accepted for what it is, enjoyed, and learned through understanding of the partner, and of course, reciprocity. And for me, and what I've observed in Hol's comments, is that this is extra, unnecessary stuff layered on TOP of what's already there... and actually distracts from seeing ALL that's there.

EVERY relationship is different from the next and not just in "type" - friends, parents, children, etc - and trying to match some conditioned pattern; a set of expectations in essence; in any given one makes for dissatisfaction, fear/anxiety, scorekeeping, suspicion, mindreading, feelings of injustice... and on & on. Not everything is going to be Cinderella Happily Ever After... in ANY relationship. Ups and downs; personal space & distance; and the return of the high tide are all normal rhythms. It doesn't necessarily follow that whenever old triggers pop warning flags it means there's a relationship threatening issue that requires an ending or even a pause.

Sometimes those warning flags are (for me) that there is an old issue I haven't resolved yet because in a previous relationship one of us DID end it. We didn't face it, talk about it, try to understand ourselves, each other... and give each other some slack for being human. We didn't bother trying to change - or try to. It gets harder to do that the older we are -- we're told. But my experience doesn't agree with that. Certain kinds of work/changes are much EASIER for me now, than when I was younger and juggling so many different things.

Eh... I'll post progress reports as there's progress. Meanwhile, physical work calls - and so does a cat who wants in.

Hopalong:
So well expressed. It's wonderful how you can accept and value what is, without being disabled by yearnings for what you hoped could be. Test of maturity and you pass with flying colors.

I still battle it some. At times a lot. But I'll say more over on the R thread.

Thank you for sharing all this, Amber. It's deeply thoughtful and also brave.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Eh. I feel like I'm getting to old to just play life so safe, I never have any fun.  I do push myself on "work" projects plenty. (Furnace is just going to get replaced so it's it's one less "untimely" crash & burn/replacement or keep fixing it project. Rough estimate was a lot less than I'd expected.)

Today is struggle/explore/adventures with resistance day. My current workout is focused on core exercises - and sadly, I'm at the point I have to work up to the recommended minimum reps, so that's what I'm doing. Added some hand weights for upper back, shoulders, etc too... it's only a few minutes out of my day that I'd end up spending passively sitting on my butt. But I can tell already its helping.

And I MUST get the dirt ready - or at least find out if it's dry enough - to do the hand work in pulling out the big rocks. I'm getting some serious rock piles along the creek; probably not too smart because snakes like rocks. The rock removal and fine handwork on the dirt has to happen before temps get to the 80s. It was turned over last year, so it may not take quite as long this go-round. Plus I know my towing radius, too.

There is a shift in the equanimity at the Hut, between those two. The imbalance of reciprocity (for Hol) and lack of ability to communicate (S) - even on projects, nevermind feelings - has kinda pushed her to the edge of her patience & compassion. And his juvenile retaliation/responses to her seeking companionship elsewhere - primarily with me - which of course is blamed on her seeking said companionship... well, it's gone just a tad too far. She's in charge of dealing with that and I've done as much as I can - till she hit the point of realizing that he's been made far too comfortable - without being asked for much in return. She's accepting that he doesn't WANT to change; and doesn't care how lonely SHE is within the relationship and doesn't think it's unfair.  :rolling eyes so hard I'm looking out my butt again:

I've told her there's a limit to how much I'm going to listen while she talks all this out for herself, because all of it makes sense to me and her feelings are valid. It's time to decide and take action. Which is where she gets stuck. It's hard. I know. It's obvious to me, that as he's said - he's no good at relationships, because he doesn't even have a relationship with himself. I've never seen anyone run away so intensely from their feelings; put so much effort into it. Maybe it's real trauma. Maybe it's mental illness or a PD. The takeaway fact is, he doesn't want to change the way he is. Ball is in her court. And its so so hard for her.

So is the physical work I've focused on this year.  :D
Mom leads by example when nothing else hits home. The mommy-lectures have been going in one ear - ruminated on - and out the other, for so long none of this worries or surprises me. It's just tedious. Boring. She knows, too. So ONE of us has to get busy doing work around here... or nothing will get done.

Action generates more action.

Hopalong:
Ahhh. I get it.

YOU are ready for H & S's situation to change:


--- Quote ---It's time to decide and take action.
--- End quote ---

But, Hol isn't. She will be when she is. It's HER timeline. (I join you, pulling out another fistful of mama-hair. Ow.)

It's good to hear you ready to change all the lecturing and listening and analysing, which has hit its ROI limit for you. Doesn't mean you'll cut her off or shun her.

You'll keep caring of course because you love her to bits. But your own focus is re-shifting to taking care of YOUR land, YOUR life, YOUR dreams.

Good for you! This sound so healthy.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
This "taste" of spring is all it is - next week we go back to highs below 50 again. Yesterday, I got the whole big bed plowed - twice - to break up the clumps. The two of them started constructing a "duck hut" - so we'll have 3 "bird-o-miniums": Geese, ducks & chickens. Geese are already laying eggs. Today is going to be warm enough for shorts & flipflops.

At the end of the day, she remarked that he wished they'd gotten more done; it's 2/3s there - and she had noticed that they work well together. My only comment was "maybe you need to do more projects together". The good weather IS opening up possibilities for all of us to do more fun - and physical - things. The main thing it's different things that we did all last year.

The dirt I worked up yesterday was drier than what I worked last May. I was surprised I got so much done - but I have experience now with my tow-behind equipment and know the tricky turns to do the best job. Derocking for big stuff and getting out as many of the big roots (that I kept getting the plow hung up on) will happen next - then I'll run the disc over it from all four directions - and then it's all hand tool work. Meanwhile, since the temps are cooling off the early plants will get seeded this weekend. That's usually broccoli, cauliflower & brussels sprouts; I think I might add leeks to that too. Garlic, onions will come from purchased sets. And I can seed out peas, spinach, & carrots in the kitchen beds soon, too.

Vehicles need washed too; the Ranger definitely is showing it's "workhorse" colors these days. My poor jeep... mud season was unreal. But knees, hips & elbows hurt; Ranger was tired yesterday; and I need to check on how much gas/diesel we have -- I still have some bobcat work to do up here; they've been using it at the hut for a year.

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