I told him straight up at the beginning, the "terms" were no commitment. It just kinda grew there on it's own, after all this time. Yes, it will be this year was his answer. I said, I'll believe it when it happens.
That long process of accepting that there's no possibility of a lost loved one returning was still recent enough for me, to remind me to do what I needed to take care of myself and not abandon the goal of the farm. And Buck is making sure I don't just expect him to ride in and rescue me - that I remember what I can do on my own. Independently. That's a big part of his attraction to me. Independent, equal partners who care for each other - for who they are.
Despite the gov snafus and delays, I know he's been been making steady progress on his house, clearing his 20 years accumulation of "I might use this some day" junk, which he knows I don't have room or need for here and he no longer wants anchoring him... and dealing with all the old connections, the internal past and letting go. But my feelings are what they are; and it's my job to manage them without ultimatums or demands. Or asking for the impossible. I just know he'd be more uncomfortable and concerned if I DIDN'T tell him why I'd gone that quiet on him. And he understands the effect of creating an expectation that isn't fulfulled, repeatedly. So he listens to me talk about my feelings, doesn't say I'm being silly or put me down for them; he understands I need him to know what my experience of the separations are like -- and patiently goes over where he is in the process again and does his best to explain again - this is how it works.
I still think, sometimes, that if he were actually ready to move - logistically, speaking - he could just do that and there wouldn't be much the gov could do about it except scramble to adjust to new circumstances. But it could indeed mean starting the whole process of extracting himself from that control over his healthcare, all over again. He isn't much interested in that option. I can see why. He's really close now, to being completely free of their "approvals" in his choice of docs, types of treatments, etc. I sure don't want him to jeopardize all that work for my impatient feelings!!!
Mike's mom, had a federal pension & healthcare as a widow and I remember her speaking about the difficulty of managing the complexity of it. B isn't just making an excuse here. I've already read the stories of other vets. It really really is making me think twice about signing up for medicare. I took on all of Jean's paperwork, her last year. I never was really sure I was at the end of things because of how the gov does things.
Once upon a time, I was pretty fluent in "bureaucratese". But I had to ask my CPA for help translating a couple letters from the IRS this year, because it took them 3 pages of words to say what CPA translated into two short sentences. And what I thought it meant on my read, was totally wrong.
I realized a little while ago that I didn't have season 3 Outlander in my disc library. I rectified that recently - and have been getting caught up on some parts of the story. Some more types of work along this line too - since I have my total solitude back again. Some more clues on long-held misconceptions/negative stuff about me... are turning up. Little connect the dots things that provide more insight/understanding. Even though Hol has her own space, she's in mine often enough that I seldom get these extended unbroken, unstructured stretchs of peace & quiet. And when crap bubbles up - I NEED this time - to chase things down, with my eyes open & head clear - and deal with the stuff at this level of the work. Yeah, I'm also doing some mindless productive work while that's happening too. Filing, organizing papers, dusting, weeding... etc.
