Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

2021 Farm Log

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Hopalong:
Wonderful, and I get it.
It's wonderful to get to know land and to accept what it is and go from there.

I am both fortunate and unfortunate to have a large double lot out back where so so so much could be done. I've read about permaculture and edible landscapes and organic everything for so many many years. And now here I am at that stage when I have the time, and I don't have the body. It frustrates.

But vicarious mountainside living is fun! I lived nearly an hour from Hazard KY at one point, tiny house on a very steep mountainside...folks literally coming across rope bridges from deep hollers. Had to buy my first 4WD vehicle because as winter came, I was told I wouldn't be able to get out. Wound up with a Scout that had Polaroids of dead deer in the glove box -- somebody's hunting vehicle. But it did get me home.

Oh those days. I miss the capabilities and the adventure.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Right before Hol was born - I had a scout too. Had to have been '77; used. It was still Oil embargo days out in the midwest, and since the scout only got 8 mpg it didn't last long. But I loved that big ole International V8. Oh yes I did!!

We're not quite rope-bridge steep here; or that far off the beaten trail. So kind of the best of both worlds - IF I was a shopaholic, or required in-person social activity. Heck, I haven't even been to my closest town, this side of the mountain, this week. Rip Van Winkle-ism is settling in big time for me. Even though the days are visibly getting a little longer; even though I'm gearing up for spring; and if I'd permit myself - I could be getting excited about Buck getting here. But since he's not offering any ETA, and his D won't be able to live off campus until after this semester - I know it'll be June before he can get here again. It will be the 3rd June trip. And it MIGHT be the last one; don't know yet. I'm working pretty hard on stopping/adjusting my emotionally greedy expectations and reinforcing the feeling of being strong enough in my can-do Rosie the Riveter mentality to accomplish a lot of stuff BEFORE he gets here.

I still maintain the "relationship" hasn't really started yet, simply due to the geograhpic distance. What we have works to lay foundations for that relationship; and it DOES feel good to know he's there for me, even if he's not HERE for me; but until we have a shared energy - which requires being together - neither of really knows, beyond the week-long experiences, what that's like.

I didn't even talk to Hol, beyond the usual "in passing" stuff until Friday this week. I am keeping busy - lots of little things that only matter to me type projects. Hol is doing the same, dialing in and refining her storage/functionality too. Things are taking a long long time to order - her garage doors are 8 week out; windows won't be in until March. And they can't side it until the windows are in.

Oh... and this came up last night in my youtube rotation... and the doom atmosphere and absurdity of all these guitars playing Back's Toccata & Fugue in Dminor just hit the spot for me. Enjoy! I haven't listened to Bach in quite a while - this is my favorite piece; think I played the piano version once upon a time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqgQ7IYhvRg&feature=emb_logo

Twoapenny:
I'm always in awe, Skep, you do so much and have so much going on - emotionally and mentally as well as practically.  I'll be glad when Buck gives you a definite date - waiting is hard to do.  Hopefully the weather will pick up as the days get longer again; I think longer days and more sunshine make everything seem a little bit easier xx

Hopalong:
LOVED that Bach, Amber. Thanks for the link.

Debbil's advocate question. Do you think there's possibly some enmeshment with his D that means B might delay and delay his move, using her entering college, then being halfway through, then just after she gets her first job, kinda thing?

I hope not, for both your sakes. Then again, it was when I moved (after my D went off to school) that things between us began to decline. She wanted me to maintain our previous 4-year home in the city she enjoyed visiting and did not want me to return to my hometown (and hers) to care for/live with her grandmother. She resented it and never really let it go. (I don't think she ever grasped how much I needed to get out of the city and return to a lovely town with mountains I felt bonded to.) I felt as though I was to maintain a shrine to her high school years but it was the wrong place for me to live. But now, I feel guilty still. She wasn't attached to my Nmother and had been through a lot of upheaval. Enough.

I hope B isn't in that quicksand, where basically, given his own dreams of sharing life/home with you, he's damed if he does (IF, and I don't know this, his D resents the idea of him "moving on") and damned if he doesn't (your patience could run out for maintaining the dream of sharing your home/future).

Aarrgggh. These things are hard but I'm mostly with Hax, who believes it's not only okay but right for adults to claim their right to human happiness, despite and along with their devotion to almost-adult children. I just think we've never really understood in our recent culture how LATE adult children in this generation mature.
Thirty is the new 15, kind of thing.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, that would be a resounding no, Hops. He DOES deal with the promises he's made in the past; and his own sense of obligation. But, I know for a fact - it's SOP at most colleges - that freshmen can't live off campus till after the first semester or first year. This kinda covers the liability issues of age disparity of freshmen who can be just 17 that first year - or even younger now. (More straightforward would be change the rule to be age defined.)

You don't want to get me started on how our society confines young adults to immaturity and dependency for a decade longer than necessary. (I was of the opinion back when 21 was "adulthood" that that was too long too.) Hol was emancipated (yeah; it's a legal term - are children property or slaves??) at 15 or 16 or so; whenever she was driving. The age does vary state to state some. Or did. She's been functionally mature & responsible (after the usual trial & error) by 18 or 20. She's still working on the emotional - but then, so am I. LOLOLOL. My ideas about child rearing still shock and horrify people who use helicoptering to assuage their own guilt over emotional unavailability (trying to keep up with the jones' types) or being so self-centered; absorbed - that they used the electronic babysitting method and never even acknowledged that the child they created IS A PERSON TOO. Much less interact with them, one on one. Children were a possession or object for them.

Parenting as intellectual, emotional, and functional "education" -- and connection -- simply has been transformed into dysfunctionality... and the surrender of responsibility for raising a "person".

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