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2021 Farm Log

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Hopalong:
I hear you, Amber.
And bravo, on that philosophy.
I desperately regret that I was an anxious parent; I know it didn't help her.
I was worried for years before I understood what was happening to her. And I know it showed.

I'm glad you're not worried about B on the score I fantasized. I think I understand now that he wants to remain in their home until his D makes it through freshman year, after which she can live independently (or moreso) and then he'd feel comfortable selling their house? Have I followed right?

I'm so dense.

Big hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Skep, I read your posts and there's always so much in them that I have to read them several times and spend time digesting it all before I reply (that's meant in a postive way, not a critical one :) ).  By the time I've done that you've written another three posts, built another shed, redesigned the garden and decided which cows to buy lol, so I'm always very behind.  But this is one of the things that really stuck out for me:

Media needs to respect it's boundaries and only report what happens; not try to make me think x, y, or z about it - and DEFINITELY not push the message that I'm a failure as a human being because I refuse to play the "ain't it awful" or "outrage" game and turn the definition of words on their heads... and blame people who aren't afforded the respect to tell their side of the story; aren't believed when they do tell it; and the only reason the Media cares - is because it makes them money.

I have had several conversations with friends in recent weeks about how much we all wish there was one fact based, reliable, objective information source that you knew you could rely on when you wanted to find out basic information about things that may effect your life (like pandemics, crime rates, business news, climate problems etc).  And how much easier it would be to make personal decisions about important things if you didn't have to constantly wade through other people's opinions and their efforts to make you feel a certain way about certain things.  We see a lot of it here; many of the people given television time about the pandemic are just people with strong opinions (and usually strong opinions that upset a lot of people).  I want to listen to doctors and scientists who know their stuff and can explain it in a way that my not particularly scientific brain can understand.  We have got fact checker but it focuses on isolated facts and I find I need a bit of context to make sense of things.  And people do seem to have redefined the meanings of words now, which makes communication difficult.  There has been a really distinct shift, I think, from reporting the news to creating the news, if you know what I mean.  I am trying very hard to avoid anything more than the bare bones of what I feel I need to know because it's just all so overwhelming now.  So yes, I get where you're coming from with that and it's a useful perspective xx

sKePTiKal:
That is one of the phenomenons, Tupp, that is kinda driving me to be "in the world, not of it" right now. Not so much to avoid being blamed or held responsible... but to refuse to participate in what I understand is an ego-based game, that has the odds stacked against me and can actually hurt me. I continue to be kind and considerate to other people, and I really don't care about their political beliefs or religion or where they came from or who they identify with - as long as they identify with being human and can acknowledge we have that in common and that kindness & consideration is the sum total "how-to" to be able to live together. It REQUIRES both parties to commit to that; not just one. Reciprocity right?

There IS clarity - stepping out of the noise long enough to hear yourself think.

But right now, I need shake my bones and go move stuff from one place to another - and if that doesn't wipe me out, load it in the car to donate tomorrow. Got a haircut appt tomorrow!! First one in over a year. My hair is below my shoulders now; full of static electricity -- and it makes me sneeze! Time to shorten, & neaten it up. It's been at least 2 months since I went over the mountain.

Hol & I just pow-wowed; might get back together again later in the studio - it's a place where we can just scream about how frustrating this year long purgatory or limbo is getting. IF, things were still operating closer to normal, it would be less annoying but it's clearly not. I mailed a bill payment on the 5th; it hadn't arrived by 10 days later. Even one of my quarterly tax payments was still showing as "in transit" - sent certified; a month ago - to my state's capitol.

So far, chocolate is keeping me still trying to do SOMETHING useful. I think I probably ought to bake some more stuff again - just not in mass quantities. Order some patterns for sewing; and fabric and notions. They might get here by summer.

Twoapenny:
The difficulties with ordinary supply and demand are hard to manage, Skep.  Fortunately that hasn't seemed to be as much of a problem here - I think we're just smaller with fewer people.  I know delivery services and mail services have been extremely busy and there were delays over Christmas but for us normal deliveries now and postal services are pretty much okay so I hope that sorts itself out soon for you.  And well done on the hair cut!  I look like I live under a mountain at the moment lol, I just tie it back as there's not much else I can do for now, but I am looking forward to the time I can have a proper do done and skip around swishing it about :)  My son got fed up and just chopped all the curly bits off so he looks like drunk people have been at him lol.

And yep - I think you said before the internet has done much to fuel divisions and I must admit I have been sucked into things more than once.  But hopefully have seen it happening and avoided the curved ball too much.  I've found with all this thinking just lately about isolation, peace and quiet but also connecting with people has made me yearn more for the way things were when I was younger.  Some things are better now, obviously, and I wouldn't want to be without the internet all together, but I think my world was a smaller place years ago because I only knew what was under my nose.  And aspects of that are good, you know?  I think you can know too much and I am trying to focus now on learning about facts and useful things rather than knowing what everyone thinks about every single thing that's happening.  I think maybe that's the pit - slipping into fluff and stuff world rather than knowing more about the planet or plants or something.  It's kind of easy to get submerged.  And it's easy to waffle, which is what I'm doing now :)  Lol.  Hope you enjoy your haircut xx

sKePTiKal:
I missed your response Hops. Sorry about that.

While my parenting style was more "hands off" - and giving Hol the freedom to make her own decisions (whether I liked them or not) - I still worried myself into a serious cortisol loop of stress. And we kept our communications open between us (more or less) and I stayed engaged with her process of thinking/making decisions - intellectually. I knew her strong intuition, social networking bent, and early parenting gave her enough emotional "maturity" to fend for herself. Her older sister - not so much. Kids are ALL different. They need to be parented differently - and that sometimes causes sibling issues. Hol had to process some some heavy life crap around the mid-teens because of her sister/Dad... and she found Ex#2 and I helpful to sort it out and not get stuck there. We have been at this, a long time, Hol & I. And we're different, she and I - yet compatible in this arrangement.

The relationship between B and I, as I've mentioned a couple other times - is so completely different/new/outside the usual conditioned patterns from either POV - from anything I've experienced in the past - that that past "education" is kinda useless and a bad measuring tool. In the past, I've always "needed" something from a relationship; usually something practical. And in typical fashion, I would take the leap of faith while throwing myself over the cliff, to obtain that needed thing. Except Ex#1 (Hol's Dad) I did OK; I picked men with qualities I respected and liked... and assumed my role was to put up & shut up about the things I didn't because of the roof over my head and food on the table. I've also experienced love for some people - outside of relationship.

Some of the things that are different this time... we already had an established communication through an online friendship. That deepened, got more personal over time and more supportive as we each went through life crap. But we're both really independent and confident in our abilities to keep on, keeping on, alone. Neither one of us was looking to gain anything practical from the other, or to fill emotional holes even, by intensifying the level of the relationship. That said - I think we've discovered a few things about ourselves as a result of taking this to a more committed level.

I've done enough "work" to deal with the expectations that someone will completely meet all my needs for me. I am the only one responsible for that stuff. So the "love" I have for B - is a reaction of joy and respect for who and how he is; how his life refined into who he is now. It's not manufactured or intellectual; it's an emotional and visceral excitement energy of HIM. And I know he "sees" me, too. And understands how my life made me this way... and he also reacts to me in similar fashion. While we are compatible intellectually, lifestyle & background wise, our connection is extremely rooted in something a whole lot more non-verbal and primal than that. It's a shared sense between us that we've both remarked on how it's eluded us till now.

Neither one of us "needs" each other in those usual ways. We WANT what the other is offering or being, however, sometimes so intensely it appears to be a need. It's almost the archetypal male/female; mother/father partnership in how our energies and personalities mesh. We seldom have those "relationship conversations" - rating each other, communicating more clearly what one needs from the other, making rules for each other - and when we do drift toward that topic we've discovered the other already knows; it doesn't need to be said or explained or justified. That's been fertilizer for trust to grow. And there is none of that - "OMG, I'm taking a huge emotional risk of getting hurt again" fear beyond the fact, that one of is likely to leave the other by dying someday.

Even if we have to separate for some reason, the foundation of the relationship will remain. The few "rules" conversations that have taken place are mostly that there are no rules until we are together; then we'll figure 'em out together. It's OK that he's more of a night owl than I am... we can be happy being together or apart; working separately toward the goals around here. Roles are interchangeable as are responsibilities. "Rules" for relationships, I find are closely aligned to social conditioning, those evil "shoulds" and conditions of expectation that typically have no basis in reality; they're all fictional or Hollywood; not real humans and real life. I'm too old to mess with that crap anymore - and the truth is, it didn't serve me well when I was younger either.

So a POX on shoulds, rules, and conditioning. Change is good; different is good; and I'm not gonna take my own set of conditioning so seriously that I put myself into the "needy, clingy, waiting forever on the knight in shining armor to come "rescue me" when I can get up off my own butt and take care of myself. Then, the knight & I can dance till the sun comes up instead.

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