Amber:
It's ok to step out of the triangles.
You aren't leaving Hol behind, though sheight feel you are. You're simply changing your position in her orbit.
There, but ....not available for boundary transgressions or attempt to control you. Just out if her reach isn't abandonment.
As for S and his concerns....perhaps her can find a way to communicate them without using Hol as a mouthpiece.
If he hates you, resents you.....things aren't going to improve, ime. Things will get worse, then better when you remove yourself so Hol SEES S, his words and actions separate from you.
I had to continue being appropriate while DD19's bf seethed and hated me while living under my roof with DD. Well, I chose to remain appropriate and have boundaries and rules creating more comfort for me and more pressure for him.....the inevitable moved along more quickly. The girls did better when I was holding boundaries and not holding in resentments and fears. I spoke my truth.
Eventually DD identified her silly little boy bf's actions and words as problems, bc I refused to be involved outside the reasonable boundary enforcement. I didn't let them argue about them. They had to deal it not deal. Didn't matter to me. I tried to be zen about it.
DD now sees that boy poisoned her mind against me. She allowed it. I handled it. She talks about finding a man who likes her family and supports her happiness rather than sabotaging and chaos manufacturing for the sake of it, which is how it felt to DD and to me.
The boy had nothing to gain from making DD rebel and resent a present parent who supported her in appropriate ways.
The truth is....I think the boy was bent on trauma bonding DD and me to him, having the control and access to sibling standing in the household and was angry it wasn't handed to him,even when he shared sad stories about his childhood he felt should have melted me the way it melted DD.
Just state your boundaries to whomever needs to hear them, then hold them.
Hil won't hear you if you explain S and his behaviors to her.
She will be able to SEE for herself if you remove yourself from the view, ime.
Hol might accuse you of abandoning her. She might make more demands on S' behalf....very likely, ime. Just stay the course, take care of you and your business.
Once she believes you aren't going to do the dance of enmeshment, she'll turn toward her stuff more fully, ime.
We never got to the place where the bf spoke to me or stopped whining and making demands on DD....that she handle what he created within the home and his relationship with me.
If I told DD I would speak to the bf myself....at times....I could see her relief and worry in equal measure, but she could SEE healthier possibilities for dealing with the problems where she wasn't in the middle, being leveraged and tormented by a small, petty, self sabotaging boy child. Mom was an adult, refusing to get dragged,even if DD allowed herself to be dragged in.....Mom had choices. DD could see more choices and eventually she stood up, adjusted her tool belt and used those new tools for herself.
Sometimes it was breathtaking sweeps of bravery. Sometimes she went behind the scenes and instigated change without tipping her hand, but she did it for herself.
I kept most of my frustration to myself, sometimes daydreaming, but mostly being patient, appropriate and out if emotional spaces and views with regard to their stuff.....HIS stuff with me really.
And all I required was....the boy stop living in Dad's bedroom.....he had to appear for meals in the kitchen and he had to go into the moss daily and pick up sticks for half an hour.
A child would resist those boundaries, imo. He relented, but his hatred for me grew and grew till he was nothing but tedious, boring and stinky angry boy taking up all the oxygen in what used to be DD's sacred space. Home. Her respite from the world and then she dealt with it herself.
Had I done it, I would have been the focus. Maybe she'd still be dealing with the bf and at this point she can't believe she dated him. She sees she was the only amazing thing in that relationship. She understands setting boundaries and standards to get her needs met while cultivating laughter, happiness and joy instead of PD chaos and strife.
Tried that. Didn't work fer her. It impacted our relationship negatively in a way she could understand, despite the devil in her bedroom telling her it was all me, my rules, my refusal to give him what he wanted, feel pity for him, let him whine till she bullied me into compliance on her behalf.
What, in the above, was mine to deal with? That was difficult to discern at times, but less was more. My T helped me hold that line consistently.
Once we state boundaries....letting go of the outcome makes holding them so much easier, ime.
As long as we try to control it NEED certain outcomes .... we're easily lost.
Let Hol and S make their choices. Let them deal with their consequences without your emotional input.
You can be sad if they make sad choices, but they still deal with their own sad consequences.
I think Hol will be angry/confused/ frustrated...
then she'll see clarity. She'll feel more balance and refusal to engage in chaos manufacture as an option, bc you showed her exactly how to do it.
I also stopped offering advice unless DD specifically asked for it and then I'd see things a couple ways....state them with zero expectation, then withdraw into my life again.
It gave her space to feel the weight if her decisions. Mom wasn't going to carry any of it for her anymore.
We go through this again and again. Always with the same result. The girls do better when I tend to my business and tell them I trust them to handle theirs.
It goes in and out of focus, but that's ok. I'm doing my best. I know you are too.
I think adjustments will be easier if S drops the triangulation before B arrives, btw.
Lighter
