Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2021 Farm Log
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops.
I think - just like he had a lot of input into the design of the metal shop - that being involved in the selection of said grill is more to his nature than arriving and being treated like "company" to be pampered. That actually makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't come here expecting to be "the guest". It's going to be HIS home, too. And I'm thrilled to death how much participation and effort and good ideas he brings to that. Decisionmaking is still gonna be a joint effort, although he's willing to give me final say.
Hol still has her reservations; and I'm OK with that. But there is a decided shift in her attitude to B. She's willing to try "trust until proven untrustworthy" - within reason; in this one instance. And try to get to get know him more than just superficially. I can live with that. Overall, I think part of the transition she's in, is shifting out of being laser-focused on what she's lost or given up (and the feelings associated with that) and flipped closer to accepting how much she has now - that was impossible in what's in the past. B's paternal (not patriarchal) nature is also a factor about him, that she hasn't gotten to know. That could be good or bad; given how fraught her relationship with her Dad has been at various times. She knows that she can determine just what kind of relationship she'll allow to exist between them; and that I'll back her up. There's history on that point. I'm just comfortable now, that she's willing to give it a chance and keep a (sharp eyed no doubt) open mind.
lighter:
Soooo happy to read food details! My pantry and fridge are SO boring!😝
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
LOLOLOLOL....
my preferred Tarot readers are calling this the romance of a lifetime.... and you're jumping for joy over my fridge contents. LOLOLOLOLOL Okay. WHY THE HELL NOT? LOLOLOLOLOL. It just strikes me witih a case of the giggles, Lighter.
There is no lack of romance. Checked my phone; beyond the continuous text messages all day every day, he's called me every day in the last week and 4 times yesterday. But the main topics are like the fridge: practical choices, staying grounded in the logistics of the move - and where I'm at with making space for him. Or things that wander off into the ether of knowledge/experience we have in common from the past. The infamous reputation of British Lucas electrical systems in MG's and Range Rovers.... fer instance.
Yeah, we're disciplined enough to stay focused on what needs to happen for the Friday to happen smoothly. Nutritious stuff... coz "romance" at a distance (despite feelings) is a mirage; empty calories masquerading as "food". And coz if we dive into feelings, we ain't coming up for air for a good long while.
He's also adjusting to hearing aids. Decided to only wear one - because two is just too overwhelming - and it's changing our conversations a little bit. He was used to reading lips, and using his other senses to pick up meaning. With one, he can pick up background noise on my end where he never used to.
Today's agenda is to finish up a few things in the bedroom; shift a couple more pieces around and see if that feels better to me. Clean the bathroom. Laundry. And summon the strong people (Hol & S) to swap two large heavy chairs between the first floor & main floor. (I do miss having an elevator; already know where I'll add one if either B or I get that decrepit.) The dresser can wait a bit.
I don't think he has any idea yet, how long he's staying. At least 2 weeks. And he wants to wait until he's here to discuss the last move. It's going to be soon, is my sense - but I'm also prepared to just wing it on everything. Take things as they come; adapt & adjust. Pay attention to how I'm feeling - even though I can't for the life of me think of anything I need to "watch out for" with him - and try to figure out ways to express that so he's not still wondering if I want to do this. (Yeah, intensity of emotions is still kinda overwhelming me; leaving me tongue-tied. But he does put me at ease and I CAN talk about things like that with him. And I have good non-verbal communication skills. :D )
It's kinda hard to focus on housework when your feet keep leaving the ground. And I'm trying to take care of bills, etc stuff before he gets here too. I can forget what I "need" to do, when I'm around him. Still getting used to his energy - and all the different levels of it and how it plays with mine. I think, at most, when I made the first move my idea was best case scenario, we'd be good work companions with benefits at this later stage of life. "Doing" for each other. But it's pretty clear that the relationship is more committed than that; and energy-wise, is a LOT more than that.
The self-consciousness I went thru on earlier visits is gone. The nervousness is gone. The nagging worry that I was missing something and Hol was right - was never about B; not really. (This is a first, where mom is viewing things in a positive light and she's being the paranoid, suspicious negative nelly. LOL.) Like goldilocks, this all feels "just right". I even bought a new bathing suit. LOLOLOL. We are talking about a wood-fired stock tank hot rub. :D Hol shared a link to a company making storage container pools, too. (I REALLY don't want to mess with a pool again; the ponds are bad enough - but it's been HOT and water just sounds so soothing, for aches & pains or to cool off.)
OK... no one wants to see what silly things are flitting through my head at 90 mph and it's time for me to cross a couple more things off the list today. It is going to be miserably hot today so maybe I can get this done. Then I can take it pretty easy till Friday. I just can't help babbling over the top right now...
lighter:
Well, that's interesting you noted my interest in food over romance. , bc I did not. You're right of course and that was the only thing noted on my 12 week paperwork with nutritional response practitioner....just that 1 thing showing up still. I think that might change if I met someone who didn't look like they'd be all disappointment and chaos I'd have to battle my way clear of. Maybe I'm simply done with that phase of life.
About the hit tub, I vote yes, esp if you can set up an Epson salt situation....the deeper the better. A Japanese cowboy soaking tub. YES!
Lighter, the happy
Crone
sKePTiKal:
HUH. I'm not often right about those kinds of observations Lighter. Usually off at least by a percent or 20. And just coz NRP mentioned it too - is probably just coincidence. I certainly wasn't recommending that you start looking for love in any place beyond the work you're already doing.
I put up fairly steadfast resistance to Hol's attempts to steer me that direction. She couldn't accept that while I wasn't deciding "never again" -- it also wasn't high on my priority list; I was doing just fine on my own for awhile and just untangling my self; all my past relationships; looking for how my lack of boundaries (at that time) contributed to my resentment and dissatisfaction later on. That kept me fully occupied for years. She was, in reality, trying to sell me on casual hookups instead of what happened. And, I'm just not built that way - even though I experimented enough to learn that in the 70s and early 80s.
Life is complicated enough without adding relationship complications too. Trepidation was my watchword - and I was so guarded that she wanted to write my profile for me online. I was cautious even with B. I didn't want to send mixed signals and maybe get his hopes up while I was dealing with my own issues - still over Mike. It wasn't until B came back a year later that I realized that it really was time to let go the idea of relationship I had with Mike and things began to be more serioius. Coz no two are the same. And I started making the list of things that I liked, didn't know about, and was initially concerned about with B. Two years later, all those things have been dealt with.
And it's like having a part-time job. Without the face to face relationship - yet. Lest I give the wrong impression, B has been doing the same work to maintain & grow the relationship on his end. It's definitely going to change when he's here all the time. Whether that'll be good or not so good... it's not possible to tell right now.
As busy as you are Lighter, I don't know where you'd find the time. What you're doing is real important to you. But maybe in the not too distant future you might make time for the right person. Doesn't affect your value as an Amazon a bit, whatever you choose or decide or happens about that anyway. Everyone has their own path.
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