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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
3 days and a drive. 

Hol is trying to keep up with outside chores around here, but she & S came up in the afternoon, to swap two big heavy chairs between floors and bring down a dresser for B. She works for just over a week the Monday B gets here. Then, the weekend after that, S takes off for his longer duration job. I'm going to have dogsitting/bird feeding chores to cover a couple days of overlap in their schedule. Friend Deb WANTS to come out & meet B, but after her move she is sorting and tagging items for a large yard sale next weekend.

Except for the furniture stuff, yesterday was a bit of a slower day for me. But what I've got going on in the house right now... is making more functional sense. It feels fresher, with new furniture arrangements (most of which I accomplished by myself). And then like fog creeping up the cliff, the feelings settled in. Eyes started leaking in happy contented way. There is no "just so" list of things to do, causing nervousness or anxiety. The previous hut concerns seem to have been blow away by fresh breezes. S brought the dogs up with him, and his big old dusty Chocolate lab came up for pets and to sit on my foot - his way of saying I missed you second mommy. (Knuckles was bouncing all around and didn't give him a chance; I think both dogs remembered living here.) S even had a chance to check out Stinker; he hasn't seen him since he was a wee kitten. Stinks is pretty laid back and social with people and got some belly rubs. He looks like the mama kitty Gracie. Maybe it's acceptance; maybe there's been a shift in perception - whatever. It's more peaceful and easy. For now.

The only thing I can think of that's going to change in my day to day with B here, is that the coffee might already be made when I wake up. He'll decide what to cook some days and do it. And my phone won't ping at me all day. (I forgot where I put it the last time he was here.) He found an old wood stove, which he thinks will be the right size for the metal shop. So he's having it sandblasted while he's here and then powdercoated when he gets back. He told me his grandfather had one like it. He was so pleased to find it.

He's so cute & adorable (even if he says no one's ever used that word about him before). Bringing me some work jeans to mend; he's concerned about his attire so that I don't think poorly of him. He's been shopping. Asked me not to be disappointed in him, or mad at him, if the new docs have bad news. That comment is a great big tell about his past relationships. How is the reality of what the docs can/can't do HIS fault? Who was low & Nish enough to blame him for the original combat injury and subsequent surgeries and bureaucratic nightmare? WOW; just WOW. Guess they were only in the relationship for him to take care of them - and when he couldn't they got all flaky and mean. And left him. I'm hoping to explore that topic more in depth this trip up. I know the basic facts and I think he kinda distances himself from those old feelings... so that's going to have to be tentative and gentle. He might not want to get into it and I'll respect that.

So today is trash day... maybe some more laundry... continuing cleaning... and pulling together the ingreds for my usual pulled pork bbq. It's been a couple years since I've made it (and might still have some frozen; but I've been trying to clean out the freezer of old stuff too.) Oh, and I have to go start the rubicon and free up that spot in the barn. It needs gas, since I was a silly and put it away with an almost empty tank. I just don't know where I have space to park it. Too much equipment starting to stack up at the barn (just like a farm yard, huh?) and Helga is occupying the spot Rudicon usually sits in. I got stuff staged to go to the studio and the studio garage too. Make a decision about whether I'm going to start any fall plants...

and it's time to start attending the girly chores, too.   :D

sKePTiKal:
One day between today and arrival.

I am still pretty grounded, practical-minded. Resting up; taking care of me. Quiet head space. B is busy too - not a LOT of chitchatting yesterday. Calm. This state kinda puzzled Hol until I explained that I believe I'd been sublimating all that giddy excited energy into physical work. I've gotten a lot done - by myself and with help - this week already. Things that won't be in our way of tasks that I know we're planning on addressing and allowing us plenty of time to just kick back and BE together.

More than that - I don't want to lay out a detailed plan in my head of what this visit is going to be like. I want to "wing it". Let it be what it will be. And be able to "see what I see". Otherwise, there's expectation and all the consequences of doing something else instead. I'm not just standing down and letting him lead either. There are definite things I want to do with him, but it can be spontaneously decided.

So, there's a plan for today & tomorrow to take care of the have-tos. And Friday is my day to let myself do all the feeling-stuff and girly prep. Today and tomorrow - I'm still just taking care of me, and all the stuff around me that supports "me". Pacing myself. Like the alarm on the water softener means I need to go add 80 lbs of salt. LOLOL. Gathering my list of ingredients to cook from, too. Some cooking; none of it elaborate or time-consuming. I think there might be a meatloaf & garlic/sour cream mashed potatos on that list too. Ruebens, if the butcher still has that pastrami I was drooling over.

If it EVER cools off, my garden needs some first-aid. But the heat this week has been too much for Hol, much less me. And there was plenty to take up time, in the house.

Hopalong:
Bravo to this, Amber:


--- Quote ---I don't want to lay out a detailed plan in my head of what this visit is going to be like. I want to "wing it". Let it be what it will be. And be able to "see what I see".
--- End quote ---

You really have been your own champion. On your own side. Holding your own counsel. Trusting your own instincts. Releasing what you couldn't control. Tapping into something very very strong that could wait so long.

Wow. So very glad for you and B.

hugs
Hops

PS I have something nice to stay about Steve. He has excellent taste in dogs.
(My first husband was a mammoth yellow Lab. LOL)

sKePTiKal:
Yeah, I have some nice things to say about Steve too. And I SAY them, out loud, in front of God and everyone.  :D

As to being on my own side, lately I've gone from theoretical to active practice. Just because I have a high degree of trust in B, and "feel" comfortable - now is not the time to let down my guard. One of my weaknesses in past relationships was not standing up for myself enough once it looked like there was some staying power in the relationship. The old "conflict avoidance" means everything will be hunky-dory misconception. As B & I actually begin a closer, day to day routine... I'm making it perfectly clear that I will take care of myself with the right amount of ferocity... AND at same time, I'm committed to finding mutually agreeable compromises and solutions. And if that doesn't work for him.... he's free to choose otherwise.

Yeah, that crazy bold idea came into my head right at the beginning of recognizing those certain "feelings" again. It's kinda my promise to myself - that no matter what happens, or what I feel as a result of things happening - I'm going to be able to take care of myself. Not very soft or smooshie or idealized romantic lovey-dovey... but I kinda learned the hard way, and the lesson finally stuck. I'm ALLOWED to do this - and if it jeopardizes a relationship - well, then, it wasn't the right relationship. So far, B seems to respect that and finds it attractive.

But it's that next phase, where everyone is comfy and relaxed that this kind thing seems to make itself known. Relationship is a "done deal", cool. And then if there is a mask - it slips or falls off. If there has been deception (even self-deception) the cracks begin to show. So, I WILL relax - but I'll still be paying attention.

Crones get wise to this kind of thing, ya know.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Phyll:
Hi sKePTiKal,

I am trying to jump in here in some of the other threads as you suggested.  Not sure I can pick up where you lighter and Hopalong are so I just thought I would say a few things about my own Farm.

I think you are correct, you are more in the woods than I am.  Funny you mentioned the movers expressing concern that you would be okay - ours said the same thing to us!  They truly seemed concerned.

 Currently the 4 other year-round occupants are single men.  After our experience with the one neighbor I don't think I will be baking any goodies for them any time soon.  There is a pending sale of another home right now so who knows, perhaps the rural neighborhood will improve.

After our first year here we really have not been doing much gardening.  The soil is very poor and sandy.  Being up north with a shorter growing season, I think we will need to invest in a hoop house.  We do continue to gather compost and our (now 14) hens are contributing to the soil in their substantial runs and in the coop with the deep litter.  We had started an orchard but last winter the mice chewed off all the bark and girdled the trees. The bugs seem to eat all the berries before they get ripe. 

We tried honey bees using the Warre top bar hives but they all froze out 2 years in a row. We did have fun capturing a couple of swarms. It seems there is not enough pollen around to feed them in the spring.  The honey they made came mostly from the sugar we had to feed them.

The only thing that grows successfully here is what grows wild.  Beautiful wildflowers.  This year we have Monarchs fluttering all over the place as W has been spreading/planting the seeds from the Milkweed plants where the orchard used to be.

We had substantial gardens in the country where we lived before, but as I said the pesticides really caused us to lose our appetite for it.  I did enjoy raising the few head of cattle while there.  The 2 heifers b2 calves each while we were there. I had never done anything like that before but W had done it while growing up.

 

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