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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
Looks like Buck is staying an extra week. No appt for the tests yet. But with some dedicated phone work, I think we have things moving again. We're going in to the hospital again, today, to help facilitate the paperwork process. (I don't think they realize we're not exactly in town.) I know they like to do their own testing and what seems to people on the outside to be a relatively simple process - isn't always, from the other side.

All is good here. The dogsitting went well - Knuckles is such a knucklehead, that B had to walk with him a bit to get him to do his business instead of play. Hol is back; and most of her work was in the shop this time - so it was a more enjoyable work experience. She and B seem to be more comfortable with each other right now, and I suppose that's just proximity.

I'm feeling rather calm about this so far. The hot weather has definitely limited what I can do outside again, and I feel like a lazy bum (B just keeps going & going...) I think I'm still sorting thiings out.

lighter:
It's interesting to think about Hol bringing S INTO your home, onto your land, inside your physical space....... then cranking on you about B....about your having a relationship.

All that judgment and fear and child's foot stomping, maybe?

Not sure, but B hasn't touched all her tools and left them in the rain.

Hasn't ignored her and refused to engage in minimal communication or follow common sense rules.

Hasn't made you cry and feel abandoned....... not sure what I'm trying to say here, but it's very odd how she allowed herself relationship with S while discouraging and perhaps undermining your relationship with B, as though she had more answers and wisdom in the matter than you.

Not judging Hol.  Just noticing: )

I hope the medical keeps thrumming in the right direction, Amber.

I'm smiling ear to ear thinking about B standing shoulder to shoulder with you at the farm.

Finally.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Lighter - I'm having a slow morning, in the cool. It's been a taxing couple of days in abominable heat. To follow along your observation... I'm beginning to think that psychological projection is the native tongue among the younger set. They slip into it willy-nilly sans awareness of what they're doing. I have definitely noticed same from time to time in Hol -- and in turn, she's noticed that (painfully) in S.

They've been separated due to work for a couple of weeks now. And her perspective is shifting in some big ways. B has made himself absent from some of our group time together; allowing Hol & I to get into those more personal topics. But she is behaving herself; owning her feelings and observations or discernment; and I am mostly just posing questions to her - and allowing that there may not be a certain answer, for now. Hol even called B a friend last night while babbling on, like she does. They do have a lot of interests in common, after all.  ;)  She's still working out trust issues for herself. What it means; what it feels like; and how that kinda helps with boundaries.

B and I have spent most of the past 2 days on the road. Dr's office required him to hand deliver paperwork referral orders to an infectious disease doc.... we drove to the address on the paperwork and the building was empty; locked; for lease. There is no direct phone line into 1st doc's office. One calls the switchboard, leaves a message and call back number... and waits. We had a number of places to go and pick up items for various projects going on. So the first thing I did was completely scrap the order in my head we were going to do things and flip the stops around -- beginning with a quick lunch. I was getting hangry and of course he was thinking that he was getting the short end of the stick all around AGAIN. With no recourse.

More phone calls and wrong information until we FINALLY got the phone and location of referral doc. In another town, in another part of my state. That's where we went yesterday. Easy to find; 5 minutes - in/out - clear, correct information taken and given... EASY. Then we had to backtrack the routes again to get a couple items and deliver some stuff to Hol for this weekend's campfire gathering.

So, we're hoping that he'll have the consult with referral doc this coming week. He HAS to get back and can only extend his rental one week. But the earliest MRI appt he could get was the end of October. A couple months from now. Contractor is trying to get the floor poured in the shop and the roofer was here this morning for me to pick out metal color.
-----------------------

B said during all those previous years, no one ever went with him on the hundreds of medical appts or surgeries. Ever. I simply said, well I CARE, so I'm going with you. He is making "man piles" around the house - but he has clothes in his dresser and the closet. Tools in my garage and barns. He's sealing a leak in Hol's car's cooling system this morning... and will show her how to recharge a/c too. He'll cook. Brings me coffee in the morning. (There was a bit of prompting about that... but it's sweet he does that little thing for me. He feeds my kitties in the morning.

We fit together so well it's as if we've trained together for years and now already anticipate each other's thoughts and actions. There isn't any angst either; we're very relaxed. He is sleeping longer and deeper; I've been able to adjust his eating schedule/portions such that it's helping with his heartburn. The herbal antibiotic is helping too.

I'm tired, but I'm happy. I simply can't keep up with the man physically. He has to keep moving and working (within reason) to keep himself loose and relatively painfree. We're even making "dates" for our own private time... to just be us together and that is something new for me; it builds happy anticipation. And the rest of the time, it's like we've been together for years & years. Comfortable.

Hopalong:
Oh, Amber.

S*** eating grin, here.

I am just so happy to ponder this for you.

Really. You've earned it, endured for it, given it the very best of yourself. And there it is: synchronicity, understanding, kinship, comfort.

This is just so wonderful. Makes my chest feel light.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops.

It's still not a sure thing that there is "life" after the medical nightmare. But he's pretty accepting of the reality, where he can have 2-3 good productive, relatively painfree days and then - he's out of commission for 24-48 hrs. If the proposed new pump really does last 10 years, that's acceptable to him. It may take 6 months to go through the process to set up a new surgery. But the longer he goes between surgeries the better, IMO.

There is a psychosomatic component to his pain, too. I've noticed the connection between his stress levels and another episode. And of course, there's a connection to trauma too. It seems the simple "therapy" for that is simple human kindness. At least, it lowers the pain levels to "bearable". The non-stop physical activity is more than a neurotic habit; it's another coping strategy for him. Hands & brain engaged in a task... stops rumination and obsessing on the things that can't be changed. His vocabulary for communicating about that is as good as ours is, because of long, regular therapy. So it's easy to talk about, despite how intimate that kind of discussion can be.

He's always been the provider and protector; it's strange to him, to have someone care about him. Take good care of him. But he's not letting pride or ego get in his way. And I'm not smothering him. I know he's not an invalid (what a wretched word!!). There is a sensitive feeling heart under that rough and gruff exterior. He's still very fit; strong. He's self-deprecating about himself but he doesn't have a thing to justify any feeling "less than" on. He's well-traveled, well-read, and has been acquiring practical knowledge and skills for 50 years. Without putting on airs or attitude.

One of the earlier visits, I'd asked why he made that first trip, really. It wasn't just to work on my vehicles. He said he just had a feeling about me and meeting in person was the only way he could find out if it was an accurate feeling. That's not exactly a romantic reason. But I think I get it. We're drawn to each other. Yin-yang, complimentary style. It's the totality of who we are and not just what we "provide" each other... or some transactional based relationship.

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