Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2021 Farm Log
Hopalong:
I don't think it's your inner child that's resisting being goaded by Hol into taking on more intensity or activism than you feel capable of right now. I think it's your inner adult saying No, that's all. Not only do you have a right to live your life now as you see fit, but at our age, imo, we have an obligation to ourselves to measure ourselves by our own rulers, so to speak. Not theirs. It really is a generational blame game and I won't play it any more either.
The world is under intense duress and everyone's looking for someone to blame. In families, it's often frustrated adult children who blame parents for all of it or unconsciously want their own parents to fix it. Boomers' fault? Boomers gotta fix. It's a huge oversimplification and she's be better off joining campaigns against soulless, conscienceless corporations or political destroyers rather than Mom, imo.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops; that's very spot-on.
Yeah, I thought maybe being shop steward on that last production would lead her in a new direction. She absolutely NEEDS a cause or a project - but isn't taking on any new stray people. She drew a solid boundary with 3 who were inordinately dependent on her... and gave back very little. She is taking her energy into her studio; putting it to work for herself, I think. She isn't sure HOW to do that, but I think she'll figure it out. One of her real friends, wise to the world and knows her well, said she should get into politics. LOLOLOLOL. That's currently a no-go for her too. Politics would have to change completely from what they are now.
But, whatever - all that is up to her to figure out and "not my job". She's gotten a wild hair to drive to B'more today to pick up all the stuff she left, in anticipation of going to work this week. I'm dogsitting... and have to run out for a few supplies for the weekend. Deb's running away out here again. It'll be good to have adult company.
The B thing has been bugging me - the way I felt (just now resurfacing from being submerged in it). It's like part of me was missing and while I was going through the motions of doing things, I just wasn't "there"; in hibernation or something. Some of it has to do with the boundary work, that Hol and I are doing together (and much as I complain about her, we are doing pretty good that way).
But it could just be fall, too. The quiet, subtle energy & light shifts... before the full on crazy-creativity push hits again. Dunno; it feels kinda different than that. But I'll figure it out. Gotta bake a pound cake... so I need to make the run for "supplies" soon.
sKePTiKal:
Maybe CB; but not for this production. They've shot the special effects called for in the script already - so her work on it is effectively done. She's pretty sure she's looking for something else to do for money - probably more than one thing, but it'll all be at home without the commute/having to find a place to stay.
I'm still trying to include her on all the business stuff too - with an eye toward stepping down at some point in the future. Or at least BACK, from being the go-to "answer man" all the time.
sKePTiKal:
6 Days till Buck returns.
I have gone all quiet, still, and empty for these two months. Nothing to say. Just letting the days pass. That energy is starting to lift now, and I'm shifting back into something more active. I'm not depressed; not totally a slug either. Still doing things but not at a frenetic pace. Some of this is just the winter "hermiting" mode descending... it was a useful safe place to heal my loss of Mike. So I think I let myself get attached to that idea as something I needed. And the reason why that was such a good thing. AT THE TIME.
It is no longer a good thing - not that I have anything pressing that needs to be done - apart from the garden and getting Buck here instead of still moving in, as he can. I think I kinda made his presence a condition upon which I based my energy for change and activity. Then used it as an excuse to just shutdown for a bit. It allows the deeper emotions to come up, with that much silence and stillness. And let them go.
Yeah, we're really doing this. Yeah, I really do want to do this - despite all the things I know he deals with. I deal with my set o' crap too. I fixed his jeans, but they are so pathetic I think I'm going to buy him a new pair. Yeah, I know - favorite pants & shirts - I kept a set of sweats past the point of them being fabric anymore. ;)
Been thinkin' alot about getting back into sewing right now. Don't know what yet. But I am making myself moccasins.
Hopalong:
I hear peace, patience, preparation and presence from you, Amber.
I hear the stillness, lovely silence, drawing-in for the cold season.
So changed by the one for your heart, who'll weather this winter with you. And share the quiet heartbeats, unrushed talk, music you each enjoy sharing with each other.
I know the mountain must be showing the season. All things in nature obeying the calls that signal them.
It sounds as though you're doing something very like. So glad for you, friend.
hugs
Hops
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