Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2021 Farm Log
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---we need this kind conversation - actual people talking back & forth with each other over a range of topics - which simply doesn't happen much online. People throw out a statement, or a meme which is generally pre-verbal ideas... hope for "likes" as a substitute for connection... and don't talk TO or WITH other people.
--- End quote ---
This completely sums up what bothers me most about living alone, Amber. Not periods of solitude, I crave that. But too much. Have you been walking around in my head?
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
LOLOL. I don't think so Hops... did I clean my boots off? ;)
Yeah. the kid remarked when she first came out here that I talked to myself a lot; and answered - or talked to the cat and expected it to answer. A person could forget what their own voice sounds like, if they didn't, ya know?
Now that the sun's out, it sure is pretty out there. I might do the required shovelling today. A couple days melting and then we go back into arctic circle temps again. Is your snow all gone Hops? What are you doing, planning, contemplating... to keep busy?
Hopalong:
No snow here now, Amber. But there's bright sun.
And not much "doing" as I still feel shaky and get woozy and chest pangs and short of breath, all of which might just be anxiety but which still prevents me being very energetic. Apparently there's a chance the diagnosis will be TIA, which makes sense but isn't good for longevity. So I'm trying to absorb that thought today.
I did start pushing out of the hiding-in-bed mode yesterday and kitchen is tidy. Did a bunch of stuff online, not all of it escapist. For example, had a bunch of tedious calls and emails with the hospital to get my CT scan report corrected. It had me as a "10 year old female" -- hah! (And it's on the patient to chase down the right department through the main line, and eventually be directed to, download and print, fill out and mail in a form to requests an addendum to correct an error in the report, which I find odd since the patient didn't enter the incorrect info. Happened with the stroke in 2019, too, but at that time I didn't know about the procedure.)
Thinking of your sorts of goals, mine do shame me. But they are things like: get kitchen cleaned up and surfaces tidied. (Done.) Do more laundry (not yet). Write and reach out to various people/projects. Do some church stuff. Listen to poet friend who gets upset most weekends with partner and is getting some insight about that. (Sent her John Gottman videos because what she was describing in their interactions could've come directly out of his lab.)
Sun is out and I am this week doing much better with sleep schedule. Woke at 6am and have enjoyed my usual lolling-morning. Not feeling too perky now but after my T appt on Zoom at 2pm, hope I'll get a second wind.
Right now, been watching the officers salute Brian Sicknick's flag in the silence at the Capitol, thinking about how their trauma shows on their faces, and sorrow.
It's hard for me to tell the difference between being anxious and being unwell at times. I need to push through fear and just do more stuff. Anything. Anything active instead of letting my body melt away more. Even kitchen-puttering is an improvement on how I've been for the last year or so.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hops: Be very kind to yourself. It makes me sad to picture you pushing through feeling unwell.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Lighter, thank you for your compassion.
It's like a light. A warm one.
(Moved my stuff today mainly to the Relationship and Health threads so as not to start eating others' "home" threads.)
hugs
Hops
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