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2021 Farm Log

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Hopalong:
Amber, that's such a warm, gorgeous, positive, sane and sound description of your budding/building relationship with B. It was just so satisfying to read.

It's mysterious how you two found each other and somehow had the patience to very slowly build a friendship that has ultimately changed your lives. And so very clearly, changed them for the better!

I'm just over the moon happy for you both. This is wonderful to follow.

hugs and hurry up, Buck--

Hops

sKePTiKal:
Not so mysterious a meeting Hops.

We'd been friendly online for a long time; like years. I'd already been supporting him through the medical stuff (along with the rest of a litte group) and when I was going through the worst in the early days after Mike - the nightowl would call me, or tell me to call him when he saw me online in the wee hours.

Then, both my jeeps had issues. He tried to talk me through using a code reader - to help him diagnose from a distance. Fumble fingers here, even had trouble with that. So HE decided that he'd find a way to come "rescue" the damsel in distress - which was our first face to face meeting. I'd already seen his D mature through high school, it had been so long.

Remember what Jamie looked like, after hiding out in a cave for awhile? How disreputably scary? That was my first glimpse of this guy -- with a big smile and twinkly eyes. And he got a huge bear hug when he first got out of the truck. It wasn't but 5-6 hours later, I literally threw myself at him - while maintaining clearly, repeatedly - no strings attached. (That didn't last long did it?)

But I was still having intense guilt whiplash over Mike (despite it having been years since he died) and needless to say - THAT impulsive action gave me weeks of stuff to confront myself about. And he only had a vague intuition about me that he wanted to check out in person. So it did take some time before commitment and decision developed. Meanwhile we started to learn each other's moods, ways of dealing with things, our daily rhythms.

And that went slow. Once bitten twice shy... and I was loathe to give up the new level of independence and freedom I'd claimed for myself. So I didn't crowd him... nag him... or play "needy" games. We indulged in shared dreaming & fantasies. That first separation was a whole year. I was researching military wife experiences - LOL. Those long separations are what he's been used to all his life. And both his ex's did him dirty while deployed. He was assessing me during that time too.

So, it may have looked fast (from the outside) that first day... but then we started to take our time. Neither one of us has scared the other off or turned out not to be what was advertised. Amazingly, I think he's the first guy in many many seasons, that I can say anything, in any way to and not be all twisted up about how he's going to take it. I don't have to craft a diplomatic essay calculated to get my point across without offending some "hidden" sensibility. He prefers it that I speak simply, plainly & directly.

He relaxes more around me in those ways too. The thing about maintaining independence within a relationship is kinda a side effect of everyone participating in maintaining boundaries. Respecting that we've developed our own ways of managing our emotions and that we've both found ways to cope with our own past experiences. I see his; he sees mine. I've learned a lot more about how his process works watching him firsthand deal with this medical stuff. I know when to leave him be; let him do what he knows... and when/how I can show him some other options. He really isn't as bad as he makes himself out to be sometimes. And I know that's a touchy subject with him... so I'm as gentle as can be about bringing some light to what he believes is his darkness. I know it's a hard thing, to learn that you CAN stand down... and what else you need to have, to be able to. Yeah, they're MY answers. But something LIKE that can work for him too.

So we're deep into the weeds with each other now. And it's still fine, fun, exciting and peaceful. We take care of each other. No, I don't need him here all the time. Yes, I miss him being here a LOT. And I am soooooooo glad I have an unlimited dataplan for my phone!!!!!! We're constantly talking to each other all day, most of the night. This would be a lot different without the ability to connect so much - albeit at a distance.

It COULD be possible for us to maintain a relationship this way, I think. It's certainly not traditional, in any definition. And "the plan" is still that he's moving here. One way or another. But I'm not gonna turn into a helpless, passive, needy blob because it's not happening next month, next week or tomorrow. I have some things rolling around in my head I'm thinking about pursuring for me. Now that the farm seems to have "just about" reached a good working plateau and everyone is adjusting and settling in... I can do that without feeling there are bigger fish to fry that "need" to be done first.

sKePTiKal:
Nothing much going on around here. Just about done with Christmas stuff - and not sure I feel like chaining myself to the kitchen this year. Hol's birthday is coming up just after - she said she wanted socks, specific ones of course. LOL.
Might get her a vacumn sealer. Maybe. She has a freezer now, so she could really pack it.

Anyway, still in standby mode on medical appt for Buck. Still waiting on contractor to finish shop. He's waiting on windows & doors to ship.

Thinking about some things I might do in the near future - depending on tax season, personal motivation, etc. There's some new energy starting to swirl around. It's different, that's for sure. It'll take some getting to know it time.

Looking at house & design stuff again, for one thing. The inflation factor is giving me pause.

Kitties are being kitties - Stinker has proclaimed himself big kitty now and spends nights outside sometimes. I still keep a kitty tent with cozy blankets on the porch for them. He is still lovey though and seeks out lap time cuddles.

Hopalong:
Just re-read your lovely post (two back) about your relationship with B -- how it began (I remembered) but especially the pace and how the good stuff has unfolded. You really have allowed the layers to grow in place and you've been so spacious around his differences and his needs, without losing track of your own.

Thank you for that account, it's a treasure of thoughtful approaches and reasons to feel peace and joy between you and on your own. Very inspiring for me to ponder.

If anybody's a needy blob it's been me lately, but I'm getting glimmers of my own progress. It's a messy, screechy process to hold, hold, hold while anxiety is simmering. But that's not why the Scot thing happened. I think that was just to teach me, test me, and help me see that letting go is good. Letting go when something doesn't work isn't failure, it's success.

I think your ability to both hold your own peace while holding his heart with care, is why you have this man in your world now. And if it's still what you want, I do hope Buck will make the full move soon.

Meanwhile, enjoy your happy holiday baking and planning...I can just sense the mountain new year beckoning to you with new projects and a new sense of what matters most -- however it reveals itself.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I'm not baking much this year - just not interested. I'm waiting for the inspiration to strike, I guess. I still want to make some goodies for neighbors again - but I'm leaning more toward bread right now. It's going to be a "different" kind of Yule around here - altho B is supplying some exciting drama. There is an interesting, somewhat big, present being delivered here on Monday - which he said I might have to try to find some room for. Shipped out of Maine. So the guessing game is on...

Deb & her roommate bro are still recovering from Covid. She got the antibody infusion last week and it took a few days, but she's starting to feel human again. Between her & B, some days my phone is just constantly dinging at me with messages.

We appear to be doing better this year in sales at the company than last year; but it's still small progress and extremely fragile.

Kids are doing pretty good and starting to think about how much infrastructure plateau they now have under their feet and next phases. It comes & goes. But when I push her too hard to decide once & for all about her commitment... well, it's abundantly clear she has a different process than I do and I let it go.

Invites have gone out for solstice bonfire and gathering - depending on weather, people's health & schedules. But that's mostly Hol's "doins" unless B gets an appt with the infectious disease doc (new referral has fallen thru the cracks for a month). Then I might have my own fire.  :D

Rip Van Winkle reflection days are back again. Until we get all our construction stuff done here, I'm not anticipating any new projects of the same sort - although I must get an estimate & schedule my house's roof replacement. Studio is looking rough too - but that's a contractor job because of the decks. So I have time to think real thoughts - not just respond, react, or do. To ponder & muse over all kinds of things.

Change and how it manifests - the many ways it manifests - seems to be a central theme. And it's occurred to me, that letting go old stuff - ideas, self-images, etc etc, along with physical "stuff" - is a functional mechanism within change. It can be a spontaneous, intuitive letting go... even can happen without noticing... or one can set an intention and pursue it. Maybe all things are possible - when it's time for those things.

But I don't have a lot to say about anything these days as even with the best of intentions and empathy - there is too much going on, too much "noise" for people to always hear it as it was meant - instead they hear what they've surrounded themselves with (by choice or not). And I can CHOOSE to be silent and conserve my energy. Doesn't mean it's something that needs to be fixed.  ;)  My chatty persona will undoubtedly return refreshed and just as irrepressibly smart-ass as previously... have no fear. I think it's perfectly good & natural that I have "seasons" of being right along with mother nature, too.

Wishing everyone fun & love & the simple joys of the season most sincerely!

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