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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
LOLOL YES - Bridgerton! At first I thought it was a tad contrived; but I obviously identified with the difficulties of Hastings. And poor Eloise; oh I so connected with her. I was that awkward girl, for sure. Another good one is on Amazon Prime - Wild Mountain Thyme. It's $20 to rent, but was worth it. It's even funny for anyone who's ever struggled in a relationship. It's a laugh/cry at the same time movie.

Take your time Hops; I am not entirely sure I explained that as well as I could. I think we all have some degree of conditional thinking, as a natural part of life. Whether it's "I will be an adult when I graduate HS and turn 18 - so my life can run by my rules and I'll live happily ever after"... or I'll find my bestest friend and marry him and live happily ever after... or make a billion dollars... or become an astro-physicist rocket surgeon... whatever. And most people understand - but just take for granted - that this kind of conditional thinking has some basis in fact; but it's not the end all be all of living our best life. Some days - it's as simple as I'll accompish this ONE thing, and then I can simply relax and enjoy myself.

Where it goes funky for me, is when I fall back into the habit of making myself "less than" - in whatever ways - in order to obtain being protected, loved, SEEN and HEARD. Sometimes my motivation is to not trigger another's ego/insecurities. The protecting other's feelings crap. At my expense. Sometimes it's the damsel in distress syndrome. Expecting to be rescued by the chosen knight in shining armor. And it all falls into that broad category of co-dependence and enmeshment crap. It also falls into a communication dysfunction.

As if I must resort to this kind of subterfuge, complex game playing, to just say: hey, I believe I want THIS. Whatever this is at the moment. It's the conditional thinking that gets me into that awkwardness. "This" becomes (in my wobbly mind) so necessary for my well-being and ease of being... that I will do whatever it takes, at whatever cost to myself (throwing myself under the bus yet again)... to achieve or obtain it. And this whole process; premise; is just total bullshit - entirely, whollly untrue. And it's all wrapped in ego - mine, others, and how much efficacy I'm feeling at the moment (not how much I can muster and manifest, btw... just what I feel at that very moment.)

The neural pathway/process is initiated by that one moment of feeling useless; helpless. Then, we're off to the races. LOLOLOLOL. I think, too - the next step involves giving away my personal power; or believing that others have more intrinsic power over my feelings (conditional term) than I do.

It's a spider web of interconnections between all kinds of dysfunctional "symptoms"; the network nodes - if that image helps. So what I'm lumping under the (not so accurate) term "conditional thinking" is really unhealthy conditional thinking; it's like people pleasing for a specific outcome - or in it's worst form, manipulation & bribery. The healthy version is how people actually reach their goals - if I study hard & get good grades, I'll be able to get a good job. It's motivation.

Am I making any sense? I know what I'm talking about; and I know it's a real thing I do. I wouldn't expect everyone to resonate with the whole unholy process... but parts of it might ping before throwing light on one's unique situation.

lighter:
It resonates with me, Amber.

Lighter

Hopalong:
This is what hit me hardest and clearest in your first post, Amber.
Firstly, the direct frontal confrontation you made with dependency thinking...that you can't/couldn't/won't be all right unless the love relationship works out. [Note to self the size of an encyclopedia.]

Nextly, this:

--- Quote ---It's still my job to make sure my life is what I want it to be, and holding down my responsibilities and rallying my troops. No one else can stand in my shoes or make it easier. And it's been proven that I'm happiest when I'm in the flow of doing.
--- End quote ---

I believe it all and felt roused and motivated in the moment of reading it. Except for the last sentence, because that's where my struggle is. Doing. Or more accurately, not doing. The paralysis. The fear. The escape into endless distractions. In my case, the way the feeling of "no family, none" can enter like a freezing syringe into the heart, and stop all motion in my life.

Your followup post makes great sense to me too. Especially:

--- Quote ---Some days - it's as simple as I'll accompish this ONE thing, and then I can simply relax and enjoy myself.
--- End quote ---

That's the baby step where I need to work. Not big overarching projects but just...any day where I feel well, I want to begin feeling accomplishment, small or large. (Lately it's been kitchen and some improvement/practice cooking.) Small things domestic would mean a great deal to my sense of dignity and hope. Big things, like a well-chosen and realistically-happy relationship, are the Big One. Might happen or might not, but I still have a relationship with myself.

I hate to think of you being scathingly cruel to yourself. It's not who you are or what you deserve.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
I feel peace and ease when I picture every one of us extending unfailing self compassion to ourselves....and forgiveness when we falter.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Hops, I was also paralyzed at various times in my life. Yep; the whirlwind of doing has had her struggles with this too. Mine was more related to perfectionism one time; another - and occasionally still, it has to do with "I don't matter". In fact, this whole ball of process/maladapted thought has a mainline into that I don't matter belief.

Sigh. Yes, it's true that one time I seriously didn't matter to those I had no choice but to depend on. And it grew to be a thought-pattern - despite there was always part of me vigorously rebelling against that. And when I'm having one of those down moments - whether I'm just exhausted, or really hungry or letting my self-care slide or things seem to be awful & out of my control - the thought pattern sneaks up on me and tries to establish that foothold again.

My way out of that - once I realize that's whats happening again - is to just pick that one thing to accomplish that day and then make sure I pat myself on the back, or otherwise acknowledge my accomplishment. Sometimes, it takes less than 15 minutes - and I wonder what all my fuss was about - and that motivates to try some more things. Sometimes I push that one thing too far - and screw it up. Then I have to intentionally let myself slide on it - while also admitting, I should've quit when I was ahead and before I got tired, or frantic or stubborn about enforcing my will further than I was actually capable. Gotta know your own limits.

The things on that "one a day" list, are all things that matter to no one but ME. That's how I validate that I matter to me, regardless of the rest of the world. And it helps me gain some traction for re-centering myself in that space, where I matter to me, the stuff I want/need matters to me - and I feel strong enough in myself again to brutally honestly talk to myself about letting myself fall back into the old ways, that unhindered or unchallenged create life patterns. Yes, I am cruelly ruthless about that. Because it was my choice to work to overcome it initially and whatever in life knocked me back there - it is still MY choice to not stay there. I don't get away with trying to make something so big & powerful I have no choice, no agency, no ability to "matter".

There is also compassion and forgiveness, not just the ruthless honesty - "ands" ya know - because I don't accept any excuses for not getting back up and trying again from myself. Nothing permanently debilitating or bad happens if I falter or make a mistake. I can feel as small and insignificant as a worm - but I can ALSO still do x, y or z. Even if it's not my best effort - I'm trying. And that's what matters. It's a statement, expression, that I matter - to ME.

In an odd way, I've almost had to design & cultivate enough of a healthy ego - and navigate through the places where that could slide into N - to be able to build up enough self-confidence that even when things are darkest or most painful (even when that's just monkey mind nasty innuendo) I still matter to me; I am still able to find a way through it all to another centered place. It's just what life IS, I'm coming to believe. No "happily ever after" in a place where everything is perfect and nothing bad ever happens. Though I have those moments of awareness - and the response of gratitude.

If life didn't have it's ups and downs, I'd be trying to find ways to escape terminal ennui. Even the rocks in a stream can roll downstream, if there's been enough rain. It's still a rock; just in a different place.

And what the hell are we talking about again?? The ramble has taken the reins!! Back to focus on something, since I did my one thing today. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

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