Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2021 Farm Log
sKePTiKal:
No therapy for Hol yet; it's on my list to find a good time to remind her. Today is the first day, I'm seeing dirt show thru the snow on the driveway; still some patches. It's melting pretty fast today; and hopefully tomorrow too. Then they can get their cars out to the highway. Yeah, she could do something online - but even in "normal times" I think she'd prefer a face to face situation. Establish that trust relationship ya know?
The deep clean on the kitchen progresses. LOL. I can't abide accumulated "oops" - when you llve in the woods, clean is the order of the day to discourage bugs. I DETEST bugs in the house and have been in an ongoing war with stinkbugs (which stinker actually eats - bless him), ladybugs, the occasional wasp, and flies. I use actual pesticides OUTSIDE, but inside using other methods.
Yes, sometimes I bemoan the distance and duration of this lengthy separation from Buck. But until his D can live off campus - or chooses not to go to school (it hasn't been an easy year for her with most classes online yet crappy wifi on campus) he doesn't feel free to go. And his dream is to have everything associated with the past DONE, before he comes here permanently - especially this infection stuff. It's probably not realistic; but that's what he's trying for. And I do appreciate he's worried about not giving it to me - it's mostly just common sense precautions.
The other consideration is that he's lived 20 years where he is right now. And like all of us, he's accumulated and saved stuff thinking he'd need it "someday". He's not moving that stuff. And that process - especially hampered with the doc appts and not being able to get dirty or sweaty - takes time. I appreciate his due diligence on this, as Hol still has stashes of stuff still in the house, barn, studio & studio garage. LOLOLOL. I haven't been able to make all my spaces "just so" yet. I don't mind doing that WITH him involved but he seems more ready to defer to my ideas than suggest too many of his own.
Meanwhile, we talk throughout most days... just the daily stuff, keeping up with what's going on. And in between, one or both of us will bring up "relationship" type topics... so we know what to expect when/if he is finally here. We talk some of the deeper stuff - like is discussed here too. And it's easy conversations. So far. I think we're just both taking it as it comes up and not trying to turn tiny irritations/misunderstandings into something huge. None of the "you always..." statements show up. And since we can be painfully honest/vulnerable with each other... some of those conversations are difficult; but have turned out pretty well.
We've both lived complete lives already. Good & bad experienced or done by both of us. So we can accept each other for who/what we are. Companionship and helping each other is a big part of what we didn't expect - and are grateful for. He's incredibly funny for someone so salt of the earth; and well-read; and thinks some amazing thoughts. I like that he brings his cultural perspective - it's not foreign to me - and we're constantly teaching each other little things, big things, and just enjoying each other. There is a complete romantic side to this - but this indefinite waiting period is dangerous for me, combined with that volatile energy. I've had to explain how easy it is to slide into obsession for me and therefore I'm disciplining myself to stay out of those feelings a lot. It's what I have to do, to keep moving forward on the farm, dealing with the business stuff, and navigating the new situation of another household on the property - with their own boundaries, projects, dreams, etc.
I guess B & I, have deliberately kept our expectations tamped down throughout this. We're both dedicated and working toward a future that we haven't defined - because it's just not possible to do that until he's here. The future will be what WE want it to be; not solely what I imagine or he dreams for. Because we're real people; we're complicated in ourselves; simple as we appear on the outside (or try to project anyway) and we've learned a long time ago to expect life to throw us curveballs of all kinds. We just don't know what they'll be.
Hopalong:
I really admire this:
--- Quote ---There is a complete romantic side to this - but this indefinite waiting period is dangerous for me, combined with that volatile energy. I've had to explain how easy it is to slide into obsession for me and therefore I'm disciplining myself to stay out of those feelings a lot. It's what I have to do....
--- End quote ---
Thanks for the inspiration.
One thing I finally figured out with M was that although he could spin a future-life fantasy with alacrity, when it comes right down to it he wasn't really interested in the daunting job of downsizing, minimizing and finding a new home for us both. It was pretty disappointing when I realized that, but I think as confident as he is or pretends to be about most things, his true feelings played out in delay and distraction. I get it. I wish he'd been able to be more direct about it, but he may not have really known himself. At any rate, I'm glad you're not in that situation with B and have both lived and built a good, ongoing, interesting lives on your own.
I'm older than you at 70. I don't know what's realistic any more really, but listening to your measured, mature take on your and B's unique and personal process is encouraging. There's a WHOLE LOT of communication there, which strikes me as stupendous and encouraging.
I hope his D knows or figures out her own direction soon, and that he soon feels well enough to begin unloading stuff.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
'mornin Hops... yes, B has been working for a year and half on lightening his load; a couple surgeries mixed in with that time. It's not so much a matter of his D figuring out what she's doing, as freshmen usually aren't allowed to live off campus and he's already said, if he's ready to head this direction and she isn't, he'll store her stuff for her.
It's kinda nice to feel the certainty that he's doing all he can; compared to the uncertainty I felt early on about IF he'd survive to make the dream a reality. The uncertainty is still there - but he really is trying. It wasn't just a false promise made to appease me... buy him some time.
I'm not much younger Hops; 64. Yeah, I'm staying pretty active (weather permitting) for my age and have been blessed with no serious health issues (yet). B is almost 2 years older. For as instantly as we both realized we'd found our "missing piece" - this long process of coming together has definitely forced us to communicate and learn each other's style and the hints/cues when trying to hide or deflect. Yeah, we all try to do this... he not so much, though. He just straight up comes out with what he's feeling or needs in a moment. I'm learning. ;) And we do have a pretty good ESP connection. The kind one develops over a long time together - say with a parent or a kid.
My first two marriages were based more on practical considerations - not as much romance. Obviously, there had to be SOME attraction & emotional connection or I wouldn't even have committed. And then Mike came along and played the part of Prince Charming to my Cinderella, so well. But when it came to the matter of actually living I really couldn't count on him, unless it involved shopping. He truly was a master bargain hunter or would be able to spend the hours looking for absolute BEST version of an item. I did all the other work. At times, even mowing the lawn which he did claim he liked to do (but forget any trimming).
Even into the grieving stages of that relationship I did most of the work of "connection" - while trying to establish where "we" ended and "I" began - and seeking to fulfill my needs, mostly for solitude, myself. By then he wasn't even communicating with me, he'd withdrawn that far. I suppose that's a natural thing - but it definitely hurt me deeply. I suppose that's a natural reflex in some people confronted with their own dying process. Someone else suggested his denial/resistance to what was happening, earlier, was him trying to emotionally protect me. Whatever the reason, I eventually forgave him for that. All those long months of dealing with caring for him, dealing with the beach house, deciding what I would do now... I thought a LOT all the relationships I'd experienced. The good, bad & ugly. My part in creating those things too - "it takes two to tango" does have a nugget of reality in it.
There are just so many dimensions to a relationship where you're sharing your life with someone on that level. And even within myself, I recognize that the little girl who dreamed of ideal cottages with white picket fences and bluebirds year round and prince charming... and what she believed that relationship was in reality day to day (not that she thought about anything except "happily ever after" without having a clue what that entailed)... totally missed the fact that people change as they age. What they want and need do too. Ideally, sure - in theory - a person should be able love deeply (all the time), coordinate/cooperate well in the basic living functions, and feel personally satisfied and secure and fulfilled in a relationship with any given person. It just doesn't seem to work that way in reality.
My little girl version of happily ever after didn't take into account the very real needs it took me a lifetime to discover I had. And to try to superimpose that on my present situation(s) simply wasn't fair; no one would be able to live up to the fairy tale that little girl created in her imagination. I learned some very important things from all my significant relationships - and from Mike, I learned he really could not/would not change some of the habits that particularly irritated & triggered me. And I learned to cope a little better with those things; to just accept it and how much more work it meant for me... in exchange for my romantic prince who loved me the best way he knew how. Nor could I demand he change those things, if I truly loved him unconditionally? - because in the larger picture; the balance sheet - how important were those things? So we continued on working on the issue from both sides... and some days we did better than others.
Commitment is a dimension of it's own. It's one a lot of people don't understand and struggle with. It's the same for me too. I think it's heavily linked to trust... which is based on (I believe, for now) respect. Respect is different from admiration or the Big L-word. It's an acknowledgement, I guess, of the whole of the other person. Which requires that deep knowing of the other person - which in turn requires openness, connection, vulnerability, and honesty and trust. This might even be another kind of feedback loop (hmmmmmm, yeah I'm thinking out loud) and when a relationship goes wonky and painful, maybe one or the other "criteria" that builds one of the requirements for "relationship" is then thrown out of balance. Maybe the situation is temporary; maybe it's growing pains; maybe it's a permanent flaw.
I dunno. Lately, Hol & I have been talking about relationships this way. Trying to figure our our own stuff - but also looking for the "magic formula" for what "works" and why. LOLOLOL. I think both of us realize how many humans before us have tackled this question without coming up with a definitive answer. But addressing the mysteries of life helps pass the seemingly endless stretches of purgatory time we're passing through right now. LOLOL.
More ramblings from my wacky brain, in other words.
sKePTiKal:
Long stretches of unstructured time tend to magnify little things - good & bad - and in the processs change one's perception. Maybe we tune into other frequencies than we do, when our minds are full of schedules and trying to fit everything else in around the "have tos"... I dunno.
I'm into long sleep mode; good thing too - as "barometer head" is with me, as the next stretch of (supposedly) daily snow arrives and hangs around for a full week or more here. It's not too bad; but Hol & I went over the mountain for variety in our shopping options. I had a long conversation with the self-check-out computer about how bossy it was; and stupid too; and then I outsmarted it. No swear words escaped my brain in frustration for a change; just made it absolutely clear that the computer's requirements for placing things in the bagging area made no sense, when you've insisted for YEARS I use my own reusable bags and avoid plastic. (which I can't abide anyway - where are the paper bags?)
Road is still a little tricky between here and the hut - and at the top of the drive - even after it's been plowed. It's passable for me, and I think S too - I've driven front wheel drive through lots worse - and he grew up in Chicago, so I'm guessing he doesn't WANT to go anywhere. Hol, on the other hand, is making as many trips out as she can to relive the boredom, tedium, and being stuck with someone who won't engage with her - about anything. So Mom is seeing a lot of her and trying to help relieve that need to talk, and bounce off another human being. We future-plan, imagine, dive deep into the universal questions and philosophy... and have both lost complete interest in politics.
I'm still piddling with cleaning the kitchen; organizing stuff for taxes; playing with/taking care of kitties... herding dogs, as needed... and not really sharing with Hol how much B & I communicate daily; every day. It just accentuates what she's trying to deal with, with little success right now. We are also evolving how she & I communicate too. She agrees we've kinda of developed our own language - and that we've absolutely exhausted the topics we've talked about/processed for the last couple years. I pointed that we always have the same conversation, trying to brainstorm solutions that have already failed - so until inspiration strikes - why continue having that conversation?
Hopalong:
You're really bearing the weight with a lot of grace right now, Amber, imo.
Weight of waiting, abiding, holding the space, wrangling the tasks and preparations, parenting, friending, watching weather....plus all those things you do all the time in your choosing activity and living.
I hope snow when it comes is exceedingly beautiful, as I know it would be...and that rewards every cell in your mind and brings peace.
I am ready for more snow. Don't need more food or supplies, it's just me. But I crave that deep peace when the land is hushed and nobody's driving. The other day it wasn't snow but the super bowl that cut local traffic by more than half, and it felt like driving through this town in the 50s. Loved it.
Just gentler, all over. I keep forgetting there are things I love about winter.
Hope the activity-peace balance stays good, even with some sorrowful memories, and hope you just let your roots grow into your mountain and find that connection sustains you.
hugs
Hops
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