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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
In the past year, Hol and I have discussed everything under the sun - sometimes more than once. Our current level of "boredom" is simply - nothing new & exciting to share; no changes either. And we much prefer that to dealing with constant, unpredictable drama... so it's not a complaint; just acknowledgement of "we are here". This usually generates some creative energy.

But, I've detected and Hol's admitted, that she has a tendency to take that creativity into creating problems, trying to hammer new solutions out for old problems, etc. So she finally got around to starting to talk about her abortions and the current difficulties with pregnancy yesterday. Mom has suspected that this was a burr under her saddle that she simply didn't have the willingness to drag out and investigate; and mom wasn't going to bring it up either. But she talks about anything/everything, and I knew if I waited she would eventually bring it up.

There is pain & anger (at her former partners/herself) in this. There is some ideal "expectation" woven through it that she feels she's failed. And she's just unearthed this turd and put it on the table between us for discussion; the unravelling of all the twisted threads hasn't even started yet. She is finally detached (?) enough from the emotions enough to start talking. In some ways, I feel like this is the issue that's kind of been anchor on her; getting her stuck. But that's just my theory based on observation - I don't know yet. Since there is so much time; and not that much to fill work-wise right now we MIGHT revisit this topic; she MIGHT have more thoughts/feelings to share; she might not.

I'm trying to stay in compassionate witness mode with this, because she's adamant (according to my perception/observation) that she must punish herself over this; or that's her reflex reaction. I can generally counter that with kindness some; sometimes she even resists that. There are some parallels between abortion and miscarriage... but instead of me defining/explaining those, I'm waiting on her to tell me how she connects them. My opinions, feelings, or thoughts on the topic are totally irrelevant except as perhaps options/choices she hasn't already entertained. She might not entertain those either.  ;)  The crux of her flailing with this is finding a reason why she should forgive herself, I think. And not blame herself for current situations way out of her control.

On the one hand I'm relieved she's finally talking about this and with her full faculties engaged on the topic; not just an emotionally laden one-liner. On the other, there are a number of challenges for me - although I did ask permission/acknowledgement that I have my own feelings about this too. With that out of the way, I'm just along for the ride - she's driving this exploration - so I have keep my tendency to suggest helpful things; all of my natural wanting to just wrap her up and rock her... to myself. Me mothering HER, is only rubbing salt in the wound.

This is going to happen in snippets, over time. And her ideas/feelings/thoughts are likely to change about it over time too - as she talks it out. No idea how much time that will take.

Next week, the weather-guessers are predicting early spring temps - ie, mud season. The early trees have buds despite the arctic temps & snow. So, I need to be ready to shift gears from a mental space - less physical work - into getting the dirt ready for garden, seed starting setup prepared... and sowing seeds. I MIGHT put snow peas & snap peas out in April - but those get direct seeded if the soil temps are warm enough. I can't use tools in the dirt until it dries up enough. So that's a careful dance.

Hopalong:
How incredibly painful for Hol.
I'm so sorry she's wrestling with that question.

Fault is an easy, easy word. Forgiveness is so much much harder.

She chose what she needed to do when she needed to do it. And at the time she probably didn't know there could be future harm to fertility. (I hadn't realized that myself. But Hol is intelligent and capable of researching it on her own. Probably better to leave that to her....)

I will never forget my D's choice. She arrived a day or two later
and told me in the driveway. I remember feeling broken-hearted for her
and even simultaneously for myself (bye, grandchild). But I also felt
fiercely protective. Angry on some level that she'd taken the risk
of inadequate BC and sorry there'd been no discussion, but knew it
wasn't my business. I remember telling her that it was unquestionably
her right, but at the same time that to feel grief was appropriate because
chosen or not, it was still a loss. She appreciated my inviting her to respect
her grief. I could tell she was deeply distressed. I felt awful for her. And oh
so pissed at the controlling boyfriend....

Later I sent her about 8 books about the issue--stories of the aftermath
and the huge very individual spectrum of responses: how women forgave themselves, some easily and some with difficulty, or many felt no such need
or trauma about it whatsoever, and all the ways in between. She told me the books had helped a lot, but also that she never wanted to discuss it again. Never did.

The only other memory I have of that time was taking her to an acoustic music festival in a gorgeous setting that weekend, and she saw a baby on a quilt and asked the parents if she might hold him. They said yes and after she picked him up
she just kept staring into his eyes -- it was overwhelming, as I sensed how
deep the moment was -- and she could not stop. At one point I could see the
mother was growing anxious, because D's manner wasn't normal (she didn't interact with the parents), so I finally kept patting her back and urged her quietly
to put the baby down because she was scaring the Mom, and she did. I knew in
that moment that she was going to be profoundly impacted by that choice for the rest of her life (I didn't assume it wasn't the right choice...just felt the full impact with every sense in me how profoundly it affected her).

My poor girl.

I hope Hol learns about self-love and self-compassion and self-forgiveness as THE most important things for her to know and work at and focus like fury on. It's the most important inner work she can do, imn-ho. (I know much of my D's agony was driven by shame, in addition to the illness. Broke my heart.)

I so hope Hol'll give therapy an honest and long-term effort because it could transform the rest of her life. She might even after some time qualify to foster to adopt, if she is interested. Or I hope she might; can't pretend I know.

Invisible hugs and comfort aloft her way. Your way, too.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Agreed on the therapy Hops. For many reasons (or excuses) it's not happening. I don't think this is going to be a long continuous topic of discussion; more fits & starts with her. Nibbling away at things. I'm certainly not going to push her - out of concern that I can't truly understand her feelings, even if I feel how intense her pain is at times. But I can listen, with a care for her and pay attention to things she's telling herself; watch for where she may not be that kind to herself. Obviously the miscarriages are more recent; and the fact she hasn't gotten pregnant again recently - even with hormone assistance - is why she's revisiting the older feelings.

I am quite familiar with her process. Over the years, it's been improved with about 6 mos of therapy; and much much reading. She may indeed be able to get to a reconciliation with herself on this, with my feeble assistance of being able to listen while she talks it out loud and our combined ideas/brainstorming.

I've been put on notice - subtly - to expect another B visit soon. There has been SOME progress with his infuriating health insurance system and providers. There is yet one major bridge to cross before dates can be discussed. And I'm in kind of an UNemotional place with this right now. It's complicated, as usual. ;)

As we approach this 2 year milestone of trying to maintain a long distance relationship, I'm not willing to obsessively imagine "what might be". I got things to do here and I need to be doing them. (Many of the little "just for me" projects have gotten crossed off the list already; some more - that are more interesting - to go.) I talk to B throughout almost every day - like the tide, some days are busier than others - as we share and discuss our everydays. This is a level of intimacy we're both comfortable in - and it's educational as to how we'll function together, when/if that time comes.

I simply don't have the perserverence to maintain a state of longing for someone I don't "have" around me - no matter how enjoyable it is being around him, when he is here. I can't live in that kind of purgatory without tweaking the old grief/loss buttons and those neural pathways. And it's not like I'm giving up hope or lost faith in his "plan" or "timeline" - but I can't put my life on hold until that manifests. Life throws everyone unexpected curveballs, including us. And in some ways - this is an educational time; learning healthier connection & communication styles. But I'm also keenly aware that I'm also using this to protect myself from disappointment... and that feels about as romantic as the kitty litter box.

That's another "tide"... or cycle... I think. And what I'm starting to realilze is that this relationship is going to be completely different from anything I've ever experienced or imagined experiencing before. Eyes open; knowing my limitations - seeing his... and I'm starting to approach my thinking about him & us... from a non-pattern place now. Not old styles of being in relationship; not old love language stuff either.

Hopalong:
From your story, these things made me feel less alone (although of course we and our situations are so different):


--- Quote ---I'm not willing to obsessively imagine "what might be". I got things to do here and I need to be doing them.
--- End quote ---

Difference here being, of course, that you have a much stronger grip on the obsessive imaginination than I do! Good for you, Amber. After two years, it's making sense that you are rejecting fantasy over what is. I need to do the same.
And I'm grateful for and inspired by your strength. [Trickle down the mountain, some of that, universe....himme?]

And this:

--- Quote ---I simply don't have the perserverence to maintain a state of longing for someone I don't "have" around me - no matter how enjoyable it is being around him, when he is here. I can't live in that kind of purgatory without tweaking the old grief/loss buttons
--- End quote ---

That is a comfort and bucking-up (no pun intended) thing to read. I completely and deeply understand this as you describe it. I get a state of longing, interspersed with much happiness, and then...purgatory.

I have so much respect for your functionality. I feel many of the same things but in an inert puddle of quivering poet-pudding. You feel what you feel but act in your own behalf, and use activity both for health and fulfillment.

You're not just imagining and waiting endlessly to see if you get what you had hoped for with B. You're moving forward in your own separate life in the now.

Wow. (And you and B still sound close. I'm glad he's maybe visiting again soon.)

hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops, in a not completely understood yet way, this is an evolution for me; a "levelling up" may be a clearer idea of how I used to interact in relationships. Hol & I briefly discussed the phenomenon where usually the female gives up part of her life/self in exchange for the relationship... entering into the male's world/worldview and forsaking her own. She called it pre-codependent. It IS a thing I've done in the past - it's beyond chameleonism - and it's always ended up non-reciprocal years later; as there is no invitation or expectation for the partner to enter MY WORLD, as well.

Well, partly due to the long wait and distance, I had to do something different. Earlier, maybe last year, I would stagnate into inaction and impotent mopey emotional states... and it felt familiar; just like those early days of grieving Mike when I simply couldn't move out of the "wishing him back" feelings. Obviously that's impossible. And it's just as impossible to wish B here, sooner than he can get here. So I decided to try to just live my life as I was pre-Buck; and still maintain close communication/feeling connected with him. And it's not just one way; he's doing the same.

When he's here; he's here and we can explore other aspects of our connection. But when he's not here - as he's winding things up - I have things to do to have the house ready to share; and work to do on the farm, to keep the project moving along to the point where maybe I'll make it official with the county (probably be another 3 years before that happens) and change the designation of the property, change the tax status, etc bureaucracy/business side of this. Our relationship doesn't include me "needing" him to share the work - altho this seems to be his natural bent.

And doing both things - maintaining a relationship while I move forward in my own life - is opening up the idea that this is a healthier way to relate; more to my liking for sure; and I have no idea where I got the idea that it was a requirement of a relationship to give up that much of myself in the fusing of a "we"**. Definitely losing that idea and watching myself for the reflex; stopping it when I notice it. I ain't doing that again. It's not NECESSARY; it's something "extra" that almost always breeds later resentment while forging that "we" space. It is reassuring that any time I make noises about being that way - B reminds me he wants an equal, with her own mind, life and ways of doing things... not a moldable robot that he can program any way he wants.

** Yeah, it sounds like enmeshment but I think it's a little more convoluted than that. And definitely more subtle. But whatever...

At this point, having worked so hard to get "me" put back together & functional after Mike, to understand who I am now - coz I'm not the same woman Mike married even; to say nothing of who I was before that... and to get back into the "decision>action>adapt & repeat" mode. I don't plan on giving that up again for anyone/anything. I'm standing up in the middle of my power; B is coming "correct"; and he wants to be part of my world and I'm giving him room and time and the space to reinvent his too. This doesn't intimidate him; doesn't scare him off; he likes it.

We have no commitment that this will be forever - except the emotional one; that we WANT to be together with plenty of space for us both to be who we are. He is intentionally giving up his world - that was his plan after his D got settled in college anyway; before sparks flew - only he was looking at inventing a new life all by himself. Then I butted in, with all my ideas.  ;)

We work well together. The chemistry is of course intense, when he's here. And we're able to talk to each other comfortably about most things; he doesn't like revisiting his painful divorces or talking about what he did on active duty; what was expected of him. He DOES... because he wants me know; he doesn't want to hide things - and he wants to know I'll accept those things about him. I do. And he's working very hard to make sure all that slides into his past... and stays there. He wants to live differently, and I can offer him what he had growing up in the mountains/woods. I do remind him a lot - we need to imagine some fun things to do too; not just work. He knows my story, too.

We respect each other - for what we've done in life previous to this; and who we've become as a result. We trust each other - and are still at the stage we're still actively working on this. I will say that I trust him more now; before he's even here than I thought I would. Neither of us are fans of playing the games that go on between couples. So I think we've got a fair chance of this working out.

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