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2021 Farm Log

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Hopalong:
My gosh, I'm so happy for you. For you both.

I realllllllllllly respect your anti-codependence thinking.

I'm embrodering this on a pillow:


--- Quote ---both things - maintaining a relationship while I move forward in my own life - is opening up the idea that this is a healthier way to relate; more to my liking for sure; and I have no idea where I got the idea that it was a requirement of a relationship to give up that much of myself in the fusing of a "we"**. Definitely losing that idea and watching myself for the reflex; stopping it when I notice it. I ain't doing that again. It's not NECESSARY; it's something "extra" that almost always breeds later resentment while forging that "we" space.
--- End quote ---

Well, I don't have any pillows big enough. But it's a REALLY helpful thing for me to ponder. Thank you, thank you!

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Maybe it was the old "a relationship is supposed to be a two-way street; give & take" that wasn't completely explained well to me. Yes - reciprocity (or ebb & flow) is the natural dynamic of a relationship. But it doesn't go so far as to denying or hiding or cutting out part of yourself... to better "fit" with the partner; to be accepted, approved - loved.

It's more like a partner should ADD to you - perhaps complimenting, perhaps bringing something that's just outside one's own experience. The "thing" I'm trying to describe awkwardly is more visible in skill sets - put simply, B & I are like Ma & Pa Kettle. We have mastered our stereotypical, socially conditioned roles... and fit together well this way. Less obvious is that in some ways he's so creative I need to just turn him loose to do his thing - while I manage the bills, money, and business side of things.

I expect that there are going to be some things come up once he's permanently here, that are going to bug me -- and vice versa, I'll do things that worry or concern him. The one thing I know is that we can talk it out, and negotiate a "deal" between us. We started doing that last year, when he went to sea again.

This kind of thing is Hol's main obstacle with S. He simply will not; perhaps can not talk about his feelings about anything - to the point of denying he has feelings, except when there's an outburst. Neither she or I are strangers to this "symptom". She is so highly verbal (and this is her main tool for connection) - until the feelings are so intense they take over all her senses - that it SEEMS she has a handle on things; and I have seen a lot of change/growth/progress in the last 5 or so years in her but she's also doing a lot of a different kind of denial. She's not taking any action to change the situation and so keeps cycling through anger & frustration; and thinging there's something defiicient about herself responsible for his behavior toward here. She finds it's affecting the trust in their relationship - because he doesn't make himself known to her, to connect to - and as is common, she can only guess or imagine why. Some of it is clearly fear based. This is really bugging her now - because he promised her he'd open up more after moving to the hut; instead it's gone the other direction. She's started writing it out for herself. Wordsmithing. Naming/identifying feelings; and the shades thereof.

We talk about things this way a lot in between her drafts... it helps her to have someone to bounce her understandings and ideas off of... and it's understood, that I am only a resource, as requested and she is the one making the decisions about when/what... etc.  And if it seems I'm immersed in this topic, that's why.  ;)

sKePTiKal:
OK - maybe it's the full moon this weekend. Maybe it's the end of winter "spring fever" - bluebirds have arrived. Maybe I'm just having a self "high maintenance" moment. I'm still sleeping like a log my desired 8 hrs or more... adjusting again with the sunrise/sunset; no matter what the clock says.

I'm restless; full of energy; but without a main focus. Yes, there are things I still have to do in the kitchen. I gave the floor a serious scrub this week... so I could sand/paint those toe kicks; LOL. I am not entirely sure I'm that OCD yet. Even broke out the Windex to clean windows.

Still waiting... on spring, Buck, a clue or an idea to put my brain to work on... then my hands. There is always LOTS to do... but we've developed Pandemic Procrastination Syndrome. That's where even though there are 12 things to do on the list - you save half of them for another day, just to have something to do tomorrow... and the next day... and the next day...

waiting on contractors - doors/windows/siding for Hol's garage, then THAT'S done and she can move the rest of her stuff... and to get started on Buck's shop (I am not above bribery; but he really does need that building done to move his 4 ton milling machine in). Now that Helga is mine again, it's even more bait for Buck - working on her, customizing her is right up his alley. Hol's been using the ranger to go back & forth since Helga bit the tree... and I just got that back yesterday because she & S finally found a pickup to buy. We do need it around here and they've been looking for about a year.

Hol said this morning she decided on a whole list of things to do today - then promptly decided not to do any of them. That's EXACTLY the symptoms of Pandemic Procrastination. And it gives rise to the most sillyness trying to entertain each other.

SIGH. "Content" isn't even a thing right now; not in the serene, at peace, well-balanced sense of the word. She is going to lift some weight today (getting back into her strength training) and I have a short routine to strengthen core muscles which I desperately need to start doing. Physical solutions to the inner flipperty-whimppfffff-doodle energy. Perhaps that will help us be a little productive today. 

:D     Dream big, right?

Hopalong:
Boy, in your just-previous post, I could identify with a LOT of Hol's struggle with S (and herself). Hoo boy. Being intensely verbal and needing acknowledgement of his and her own emotional layers...and being blocked. Wow, that's familiar. Tormenting. I hope with age her own nature calms, and if he wants to live "the examined life" I hope he'll step up and learn something about how to, PDQ. Doesn't look likely.

Be nice (if one could wish such things) if he'd join her in couples therapy, with someone good. Could shift things. But that's Hol's life. I hope for her. And know it must be hard on you to understand so much of what goes on but be helpless to live out the solutions for her (and believe in them before she does). HUGS.

Continue to be inspired by your activity level...astonishing. To prove it, I walked a little bit farther than I did yesterday.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, things STILL seem slow around here. We had a couple spring-teaser days - then another form of winter: a couple inches of rain all in one stretch. It melted the snow and ushered in mud season. The hut parking area is a swamp. My backhoe buddy pulled Helga off the tree and up to my house across from the garage. It's now "Buck Bait" - he insists it's easy to fix and he likes working on this era jeep. Fine by me... if it gets him here.   ;)

I watched 5 Canada geese circle the pond in a landing pattern, before they noticed the domestic flock... and they ventured on down the hollow to the Hut pond. Sure sign of spring - they like to nest here. I've seen bluebirds & robins in the last few days too.

Stinker is now a eunich.  ;)  Poor little guy, he woke me up at 3 am, guess the drugs wore off, for kitty kisses & snuggles. While he was at the vet, I spent the time trying to clean up kitty "stink" from an adolescent tomcat. I still have carpets to clean - but I brought my big heavy Bissell from the beach. It's time to break it out and haul it through all 3 floors until I'm ready to replace carpet upstairs. That's gonna have to wait I think - the furnace has been loudly griping about being close to end of life... so I'm going to have to investigate costs & efficiency. Might as well do that before we get to a/c season, right? In a couple weeks, it'll be warm enough for Stink to start learning the wisdom of outdoors & the woods with Freddy. He'll go out during the day, next week, a little bit to get oriented to where "home" is.

B is still struggling; dragging the PTB (powers that be) along since he's gotten approval for IV antibiotics a month ago, to getting the actual appointments set up and drugs into him. He called everyone yesterday; only one call back so far. He is antsy to get up here; I'm antsy for him to be here. And it's to the point we don't have anything to say much to each other -- because there just isn't any good news about that one thing, right now. The skin eruptions are clearing - thanks to silver bandages and the tinctures I found for him. But heat and wearing socks/boots - normal work requirements - can quickly reverse progress. Walter Reed is sending his docs info on specific ABs and dosage/duration of treatment - since he pulled some strings. But that still doesn't speed things up -- that can't be done with power or money it seems. Nor media attention. Nor lawyers.

And I just can't think about that anymore -- or let myself feel much about it either -- without completely stopping all my progress around here to welcome B in, dead in it's tracks -- while pursuing my one goal this spring of getting the garden actually underway. On the other hand, I'm too good at "not thinking/feeling"... thorough... deep... and that causes yet another issue... which took me a couple days to deal with. I still have to untangle all that and find a simpler, more direct and balanced way through things like that.

More on that, after I've taken the time to unpack the brain more.

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