Yes, Hops. I want to be in the loop on what's going on around here. So do they.
Fortunately, naval gazing, analyzing me (and everyone else) and being intrusively critical doesn't seem to be as important to her since she got it all out the last couple times and she knows I care and have been hearing her the whole time. I can see that trait is still there, but she's currently managing it differently. I think she's finally figured out what function it was serving in her life - in the past; sees it's less relevant/useful to her in the present; and deep down she would like to moderate it, or let it go. She's doing massive work on boundaries these past few months. I'm just one of the people in her life that she's had to decide - more intentionally - whether she's getting what she needs or not and why not; if she was part of the problem.
It's good for both her & I to have a girl's get together weekly. It becomes a new form of "social activity", because even though we - of necessity - talk every day, it's real brief and impersonal. Whichever of us is going to town, checks to see if the other needs anything - eggs, milk, whatever. She gives me updates or a show & tell of the organization and sorting process she's going through, to be able to comfortably work in her tiny sewing room/studio. That kind of thing. Gets us out of our own 4 walls (we use the studio) for a change of scenery that's comfy. She finds new music to share... and vice versa.
So, boundaries are being redrawn and re-established... but with the one promise that when one of us has some big ugly buzzard sitting on our heads, we CAN talk to each other about it. Our relationship has gone from not living together for 20 some years - and then on vacation weekends, etc. really getting a chance to be an "us" again (with those personal boundaries intact)... to she and S were living in my house, while the Hut was being built (not comfortable for any of us, and there were friction points & conflicts... and yet overall, it worked and we're still speaking to each other mostly civilly most days) and we're still establishing how it's going to work between the cabin & Hut; we need to spend more time in the new Hut-neighbor space; she & S have to figure out how they want that to work, versus how I actually need it work (and there just isn't that much I'm asking of them) and that new form of "life on the farm" is still being settled. I think she heard me when I said I still wanted her to have her own separate life - no matter what that entails; I'll be fine - even though we're on the same chunk of the earth. I don't "need" to be taken care of and neither does she. But there are times and jobs when it's much easier & safer with more than one set of hands. She consults me on a lot of creative projects. Or not too - because when she's in her zone, I know to just sit back and wait because it's always amazing what she's concocting.
And now, into the mix comes B. LOLOLOLOL. There are a lot of different eddies, pools, and currents in the stream of life around here. The kids are just getting started on their own place - and regardless of qualitative judgements - anyone else in the mix would be disruptive; a new energy to understand, find ways to work with, and be comfortable with. So I can appreciate where, from their perspective, it feels too fast. But from B's and mine - this has been coming together gradually over years. I remember when his D STARTED HS and his concerns. I remember the beginning of this 5 year medical nightmare. Over the years, we moved from casual acquaintances to friends to whatever creative name we could give this form of commitment. So, for me - I took in information about him slowly, gradually, organically. I was able to cross-reference. For them, it was a fait accompli - boom - this new person is getting dropped into the slightly unstable mix of the 3 of us, which is still a work in progress. Of course, they feel more disruption and trepidation. Even more confusing, is how long it's taking - allowing more time for imagination and worries to rise to the top.
Part of her expectation to have a window into B and me, is her oversharing tendency about her relationship. I keep having to tell her TMI.... even as I realize she's asking for an outside opinion, a way to manage things differently, etc. ADVICE. She expects the same kind of full disclosure from her girlfriends, I think. It's a shade or two different with your mom, IMO. But I DO accept that her curiosity and concern comes from a caring (albeit interfering) place. And I think she's finally realizing it's not her job to manage other people, educate them, and she's kinda at that gawky stage. Because of Hol, I'm learning to not take what other people think or their "observations" or opinions personally. We're both readjusting and redrawing boundaries. The first time B came to stay a week, they were still living in my house... and without anything more than a note on the counter... they quietly tiptoed out the door to give us privacy for the evening. So, I think I've been able to show her ways that this two households, one property can be possible - without anyone being unduly restricted, uncomfortable, or interfered with.
There's no pattern or formula or recipe for how this can succeed. But through experience, I've learned that communication is the MOST important thing. Genuine, authentic, sometimes difficult and uncomfortable communication. And the two people here who can do that the best - and respond like adults - that we know of, are us - Hol and I. We can settle conflicts; and while most people would shy away from the intensity of feelings we can spar with AT TIMES doing that... the majority of time, increasingly so, we're able to just talk it through, respectfully - but more bluntly and honestly than many people communicate between each. For very quiet introverts, Hol & I ARE scary when we get loud & intense. (Reminds me of the gelato commercial with an Italian couple having a very "vigorous" discussion.)
But both Hol and I know, that our relationship is flexible and strong enough to endure that - and so it's faster and more direct to hash things out, find out what each wants, and find a new way to continue forward. She has her strengths; I have mine. Occasionally we have to force each other to see those strengths; we're both more accustomed to admitting our weakness. I noticed a long time ago, that some people seem to feel that any disagreement or conflict is an indication that the relationship is ending. It become a simplified, kids-book understanding of "happy", versus "upset & angry" and an either/or equation. As if relationships can't withstand any conflict or disagreeableness. Where does THAT idea come from?? Divorces? I dunno. But I've seen it be a very real thing in a lot of people.
I stopped trying to crystallize time and life into some stable, predictable in the large scale, and repetively boring routine a very long time ago. I think that's another Currier & Ives postcard of an ideal life that doesn't exist in reality. That was an important point for me; almost as important as realizing that nothing external is going to be able to provide me that feeling of "security". Everything external that people associate with "security" can change or go away. Peace thru acceptance of "what is" - and knowing that change is constant - is something that's more a recent "plateau" for me. And being able to see, feel and enjoy peace (without defining it to death) around here is part of this place's therapeutic energy. The three - and soon to be four - of us here, are stewards of that peace and restorative energy. B remarked on it, during his first visit. That means maintaining good relationships and being willing and able to work together as needed. Open communication, the ability to be vulnerable - but respected equally. Everyone's needs are important; the ability of pursue one's interests without arbitrary rules/regulations imposed by someone else here... without impacting someone else's ability to do the same and a way (there are more than one or two) to resolve conflicts are kinda the way I see this working.
LOLOLOL.... and I would really worry about my cognitive & mental health, if I expected that to work smoothly all the time, that everyone would be aware of it, ALL the time... or capable of cooperating with it, ALL the time. I know my self too well, sometimes. I will slip that into the "ideal" state from time to time; thinking ideal can be real for more than a moment of sense of peace. I know Hol will shred that and throw a little reality and human nature my way... or wake me up some other way. And I return the favor - maybe on a different aspect - if asked and/or it's clear it's needed. That's not a boundary violation, IMO. That's actually caring about each other. And honest & brave enough to talk about it as we can - with the full knowledge that it DOES NOT risk the relationship itself. For this to work, requires effort from everyone. Doesn't have to be the same kind of effort, ya know?
Which brings us back around to boundaries. Are they firm, steel fences with no gates, and never changing? Are they BW and forever? With any and all relationships? Or are they constantly shifting with each person, the life circumstances, their age/maturity... I guess I'm understanding that a boundary needs to adapt, be flexible and change with other changes or it will prevent connection. And I think Hol is learning that too. WHAT she's learning might be different (I would certainly HOPE so) because she's lived a different life.
Hol & I talk about things like this; have always for decades from time to time. It's not all that easy to find other people to discuss life & universe with, intelligently. So we blend all that rambling kind of "supposing" with the personal too. Through this level of connection & relationship we reaffirm how we're each unique, with our own strengths/weaknesses, life lesson "plans", and also where we kinda overlap and have things in common. She was reading Doesteivsky, Nitschke, etc (sp?) in HS; and has expanded on that across subject matter since then.
