2021 Farm Log

[lighter]

That was a super satisfying update, Amber.  In so many ways: )

Countdown continues.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

5 Days, a wake up, and an 8 hr drive (more or less).

Man is working himself like a rented mule. All while thinking a mile a minute. When I tell him to rest, the comeback is he'll rest when he's HERE. Sigh. Hol is already up and mowing (she has friends coming to camp at the hut in a couple weeks and works 8 days before that). I need to get busy too. Nothing I'm doing is all that strenuous. Which is OK, since it's yucky hot again this weekend.

Freddy has made my back deck (off the bedroom) his mouse boneyard. He only eats the heads off the little mousies. Weirdo. Stinker is definitely a "big boy" now - but he's still little kitty too. Wants his mommy-lap snuggle time. When he's not out in the grass or woods stalking & being the "big predator cat".

I am surprisingly calm. Contentedly happy - not over-excited or even making "have to" lists. Still grounded. Imagination isn't reined in... but it's not concerned with fantasy; more of an investigating what reality is going to be next Friday evening. I am noticing that my sense of time seems to have warped into distortion. Like it doesn't really exist, except as a construct for dealing with the outside world. Maybe I've been out here in unstructured simple life too long. LOLOLOLOL. Or this brand of happiness feeling is interfering with my linear, left brain routines & discipline.  There is a LITTLE conditional thinking going on; plannning to do things WHEN B is here, instead of pushing myself like he does to do it BEFORE he's here.

Like cooking, I usually pre-cook some food when I have company so I can relax a bit. But it dawned on me: Buck likes to cook, and we can cook together. We need to go grill shopping too. I only brought a charcoal grill with me, when I moved. (Gas grill was built in at beach house.) At some point, a smoker appeared, too - that found it's way to the hut for a big campout weekend last year. So that begs the question: what size grill? If its just he & I most of the time, it can be smaller. Deb still comes out. Some of our friends aren't too far away, to not drop in occasionally... and Hol's friends have adopted me anyway. He seemed to like the idea of entertaining - I'll need to ask him more about that. But I know he's looking forward to just the two of us time, most of the time. Stuff IS portable, so hut grills can travel back up here, if needed. So, all I need to do is gather raw ingredients for this visit...

and then, like a regular couple we can go shopping together, ya know? Or make the list together while one runs.

And this just makes me grin......... non-stop.

[lighter]

Maybe B will have a beloved, perfectly sized grill on arrival?  Maybe cook one meal ahead in anticipation....to eat well while planning, shopping meals you'll cook together.

Maybe stay smiling and happy waiting to deal with food with B and let that be exactly right.

Looking forward to outdoor kitchen, main bed and bath updates. 

Good kitty.
::Patting head::
 Handling rodents around the house is a good thing.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Master bedroom & bath reno was all complete last year. There is yet a bit of electrical & trim on the stone wall that replaced the useless electric fireplace.

I've got a couple things in mind for quick meals. It's still hot, he's an energizer bunny and while he NEEDS food, he doesn't need a "meat & three" meal everyday. Pulled pork BBQ will go in crockpot and I have leftover honey ham from the holidays - ham salad makes a quick lunch. Coleslaw & gourmet potato salad. Banana pudding & ice cream w/toppings... but the chocolate ghost pepper sauce was out of stock, when I checked this week. She's going to see about availability (it's locally made). It's great on honey ice cream... and I also got about a pint of raspberries from my 2 year canes this year. I was a little slow on picking; and if you don't freeze them right away - they just don't keep but a day, maybe two in the fridge.

I'll check the locally raised butcher shop later next week for "grill fodder" & their fabulous bacon & sausage & cheese... farmer's market is Sat. and he and I can check out the other new farm store in the other direction on my "grand tour of back roads and wide places in the road" - including a trip through where the first homestead is. Curiosity is my bane. I don't freeze any of the meat from the butcher or farm stores except ground lamb & beef. The quality is THAT good, it needs to be fresh.

IF I can drag him away from working long enough to let me show him the backroads.

Almost forgot: the butcher had pastrami and they have good swiss cheese. I see reubens in our future.

[Hopalong]

I dunno...I think if he's working that hard and will be arriving exhausted,
might be cool to go ahead and get a decent grill and have it there all set up and
done... (I personally loathe shopping though, dunno how B feels about it). My guess is he'll be overwhelmed at how wonderfully provisioned his life is, how welcome you've made him feel, and how delicious it feels to not run around a lot yet. And he probably shouldn't lift a finger for a couple weeks.

Does truck time hurt B? Meaning, driving and his ole bones?

Speaking of which, sounds like you want to put some meat on those! He's going to enjoy THAT. And beautiful green salads from your garden, too.

SO happy for you two. I like the sound of your calm and inner peace before you slip through the stones. Feeling that way is such a good indicator of how you've resolved anxieties, welcomed the good-things possibilities, and know that he fits a big B-shaped space in your psyche. I think it's going to go so well, I really do.

Nice description of how you and Hol are finding a less-enmeshed peace, as well. Peace is an ongoing project in some dynamics, and it sounds as though you really perceive more maturation and change with her. I'm so relieved to hear it.

How she ever turned B into a boogie monster I'll never quite understand, but good on you for defending your right to love whomever you love, regardless of her opinions/jealousies/fears. She's not quite there but she still has growing up to do. I bet her work is making a difference too. She really needs to experience herself apart from "Mom's compound" and whatever degree of buy-in she cultivates in herself, by herself, for herself, will make her future on the mountain should she decide to stay, a lot happier. Steve's a different question but it sounds as though things are more peaceful on that front, too. Glad Hol is left to resolve her own relationship issues, now though, rather than run everything through you. Hope that continues, too.

If left alone to find their own way to understanding each other, she and B might even wind up as friends. No predicting or pushing it, but it might happen.

Such good things, so many possibilities, and happy cats!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops.

I think - just like he had a lot of input into the design of the metal shop - that being involved in the selection of said grill is more to his nature than arriving and being treated like "company" to be pampered. That actually makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't come here expecting to be "the guest". It's going to be HIS home, too. And I'm thrilled to death how much participation and effort and good ideas he brings to that. Decisionmaking is still gonna be a joint effort, although he's willing to give me final say.

Hol still has her reservations; and I'm OK with that. But there is a decided shift in her attitude to B. She's willing to try "trust until proven untrustworthy" - within reason; in this one instance. And try to get to get know him more than just superficially. I can live with that. Overall, I think part of the transition she's in, is shifting out of being laser-focused on what she's lost or given up (and the feelings associated with that) and flipped closer to accepting how much she has now - that was impossible in what's in the past. B's paternal (not patriarchal) nature is also a factor about him, that she hasn't gotten to know. That could be good or bad; given how fraught her relationship with her Dad has been at various times. She knows that she can determine just what kind of relationship she'll allow to exist between them; and that I'll back her up. There's history on that point. I'm just comfortable now, that she's willing to give it a chance and keep a (sharp eyed no doubt) open mind.

[lighter]

Soooo happy to read food details!  My pantry and fridge are SO boring!😝

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOLOLOL....

my preferred Tarot readers are calling this the romance of a lifetime.... and you're jumping for joy over my fridge contents. LOLOLOLOLOL Okay. WHY THE HELL NOT? LOLOLOLOLOL. It just strikes me witih a case of the giggles, Lighter.

There is no lack of romance. Checked my phone; beyond the continuous text messages all day every day, he's called me every day in the last week and 4 times yesterday. But the main topics are like the fridge: practical choices, staying grounded in the logistics of the move - and where I'm at with making space for him. Or things that wander off into the  ether of knowledge/experience we have in common from the past. The infamous reputation of British Lucas electrical systems in MG's and Range Rovers.... fer instance.

Yeah, we're disciplined enough to stay focused on what needs to happen for the Friday to happen smoothly. Nutritious stuff... coz "romance" at a distance (despite feelings) is a mirage; empty calories masquerading as "food". And coz if we dive into feelings, we ain't coming up for air for a good long while.

He's also adjusting to hearing aids. Decided to only wear one - because two is just too overwhelming - and it's changing our conversations a little bit. He was used to reading lips, and using his other senses to pick up meaning. With one, he can pick up background noise on my end where he never used to.

Today's agenda is to finish up a few things in the bedroom; shift a couple more pieces around and see if that feels better to me. Clean the bathroom. Laundry. And summon the strong people (Hol & S) to swap two large heavy chairs between the first floor & main floor. (I do miss having an elevator; already know where I'll add one if either B or I get that decrepit.) The dresser can wait a bit.

I don't think he has any idea yet, how long he's staying. At least 2 weeks. And he wants to wait until he's here to discuss the last move. It's going to be soon, is my sense - but I'm also prepared to just wing it on everything. Take things as they come; adapt & adjust. Pay attention to how I'm feeling - even though I can't for the life of me think of anything I need to "watch out for" with him - and try to figure out ways to express that so he's not still wondering if I want to do this. (Yeah, intensity of emotions is still kinda overwhelming me; leaving me tongue-tied. But he does put me at ease and I CAN talk about things like that with him. And I have good non-verbal communication skills.     )

It's kinda hard to focus on housework when your feet keep leaving the ground. And I'm trying to take care of bills, etc stuff before he gets here too. I can forget what I "need" to do, when I'm around him. Still getting used to his energy - and all the different levels of it and how it plays with mine. I think, at most, when I made the first move my idea was best case scenario, we'd be good work companions with benefits at this later stage of life. "Doing" for each other. But it's pretty clear that the relationship is more committed than that; and energy-wise, is a LOT more than that.

The self-consciousness I went thru on earlier visits is gone. The nervousness is gone. The nagging worry that I was missing something and Hol was right - was never about B; not really. (This is a first, where mom is viewing things in a positive light and she's being the paranoid, suspicious negative nelly. LOL.) Like goldilocks, this all feels "just right". I even bought a new bathing suit. LOLOLOL. We are talking about a wood-fired stock tank hot rub.    Hol shared a link to a company making storage container pools, too. (I REALLY don't want to mess with a pool again; the ponds are bad enough - but it's been HOT and water just sounds so soothing, for aches & pains or to cool off.)

OK... no one wants to see what silly things are flitting through my head at 90 mph and it's time for me to cross a couple more things off the list today. It is going to be miserably hot today so maybe I can get this done. Then I can take it pretty easy till Friday. I just can't help babbling over the top right now...

[lighter]

Well, that's interesting you noted my interest in food over romance. , bc I did not.  You're right of course and that was the only thing noted on my 12 week paperwork with nutritional response practitioner....just that 1 thing showing up still.  I think that might change if I met someone who didn't look like they'd be all disappointment and chaos I'd have to battle my way clear of.  Maybe I'm simply done with that phase of life. 

About the hit tub, I vote yes, esp if you can set up an Epson salt situation....the deeper the better. A Japanese cowboy soaking tub. YES!

Lighter, the happy
 Crone

[sKePTiKal]

HUH. I'm not often right about those kinds of observations Lighter. Usually off at least by a percent or 20. And just coz NRP mentioned it too - is probably just coincidence. I certainly wasn't recommending that you start looking for love in any place beyond the work you're already doing.

I put up fairly steadfast resistance to Hol's attempts to steer me that direction. She couldn't accept that while I wasn't deciding "never again" -- it also wasn't high on my priority list; I was doing just fine on my own for awhile and just untangling my self; all my past relationships; looking for how my lack of boundaries (at that time) contributed to my resentment and dissatisfaction later on. That kept me fully occupied for years. She was, in reality, trying to sell me on casual hookups instead of what happened. And, I'm just not built that way - even though I experimented enough to learn that in the 70s and early 80s.

Life is complicated enough without adding relationship complications too. Trepidation was my watchword - and I was so guarded that she wanted to write my profile for me online. I was cautious even with B. I didn't want to send mixed signals and maybe get his hopes up while I was dealing with my own issues - still over Mike. It wasn't until B came back a year later that I realized that it really was time to let go the idea of relationship I had with Mike and things began to be more serioius. Coz no two are the same. And I started making the list of things that I liked, didn't know about, and was initially concerned about with B. Two years later, all those things have been dealt with.

And it's like having a part-time job. Without the face to face relationship - yet. Lest I give the wrong impression, B has been doing the same work to maintain & grow the relationship on his end. It's definitely going to change when he's here all the time. Whether that'll be good or not so good... it's not possible to tell right now.

As busy as you are Lighter, I don't know where you'd find the time. What you're doing is real important to you. But maybe in the not too distant future you might make time for the right person. Doesn't affect your value as an Amazon a bit, whatever you choose or decide or happens about that anyway. Everyone has their own path.

[sKePTiKal]

3 days and a drive. 

Hol is trying to keep up with outside chores around here, but she & S came up in the afternoon, to swap two big heavy chairs between floors and bring down a dresser for B. She works for just over a week the Monday B gets here. Then, the weekend after that, S takes off for his longer duration job. I'm going to have dogsitting/bird feeding chores to cover a couple days of overlap in their schedule. Friend Deb WANTS to come out & meet B, but after her move she is sorting and tagging items for a large yard sale next weekend.

Except for the furniture stuff, yesterday was a bit of a slower day for me. But what I've got going on in the house right now... is making more functional sense. It feels fresher, with new furniture arrangements (most of which I accomplished by myself). And then like fog creeping up the cliff, the feelings settled in. Eyes started leaking in happy contented way. There is no "just so" list of things to do, causing nervousness or anxiety. The previous hut concerns seem to have been blow away by fresh breezes. S brought the dogs up with him, and his big old dusty Chocolate lab came up for pets and to sit on my foot - his way of saying I missed you second mommy. (Knuckles was bouncing all around and didn't give him a chance; I think both dogs remembered living here.) S even had a chance to check out Stinker; he hasn't seen him since he was a wee kitten. Stinks is pretty laid back and social with people and got some belly rubs. He looks like the mama kitty Gracie. Maybe it's acceptance; maybe there's been a shift in perception - whatever. It's more peaceful and easy. For now.

The only thing I can think of that's going to change in my day to day with B here, is that the coffee might already be made when I wake up. He'll decide what to cook some days and do it. And my phone won't ping at me all day. (I forgot where I put it the last time he was here.) He found an old wood stove, which he thinks will be the right size for the metal shop. So he's having it sandblasted while he's here and then powdercoated when he gets back. He told me his grandfather had one like it. He was so pleased to find it.

He's so cute & adorable (even if he says no one's ever used that word about him before). Bringing me some work jeans to mend; he's concerned about his attire so that I don't think poorly of him. He's been shopping. Asked me not to be disappointed in him, or mad at him, if the new docs have bad news. That comment is a great big tell about his past relationships. How is the reality of what the docs can/can't do HIS fault? Who was low & Nish enough to blame him for the original combat injury and subsequent surgeries and bureaucratic nightmare? WOW; just WOW. Guess they were only in the relationship for him to take care of them - and when he couldn't they got all flaky and mean. And left him. I'm hoping to explore that topic more in depth this trip up. I know the basic facts and I think he kinda distances himself from those old feelings... so that's going to have to be tentative and gentle. He might not want to get into it and I'll respect that.

So today is trash day... maybe some more laundry... continuing cleaning... and pulling together the ingreds for my usual pulled pork bbq. It's been a couple years since I've made it (and might still have some frozen; but I've been trying to clean out the freezer of old stuff too.) Oh, and I have to go start the rubicon and free up that spot in the barn. It needs gas, since I was a silly and put it away with an almost empty tank. I just don't know where I have space to park it. Too much equipment starting to stack up at the barn (just like a farm yard, huh?) and Helga is occupying the spot Rudicon usually sits in. I got stuff staged to go to the studio and the studio garage too. Make a decision about whether I'm going to start any fall plants...

and it's time to start attending the girly chores, too.   

[sKePTiKal]

One day between today and arrival.

I am still pretty grounded, practical-minded. Resting up; taking care of me. Quiet head space. B is busy too - not a LOT of chitchatting yesterday. Calm. This state kinda puzzled Hol until I explained that I believe I'd been sublimating all that giddy excited energy into physical work. I've gotten a lot done - by myself and with help - this week already. Things that won't be in our way of tasks that I know we're planning on addressing and allowing us plenty of time to just kick back and BE together.

More than that - I don't want to lay out a detailed plan in my head of what this visit is going to be like. I want to "wing it". Let it be what it will be. And be able to "see what I see". Otherwise, there's expectation and all the consequences of doing something else instead. I'm not just standing down and letting him lead either. There are definite things I want to do with him, but it can be spontaneously decided.

So, there's a plan for today & tomorrow to take care of the have-tos. And Friday is my day to let myself do all the feeling-stuff and girly prep. Today and tomorrow - I'm still just taking care of me, and all the stuff around me that supports "me". Pacing myself. Like the alarm on the water softener means I need to go add 80 lbs of salt. LOLOL. Gathering my list of ingredients to cook from, too. Some cooking; none of it elaborate or time-consuming. I think there might be a meatloaf & garlic/sour cream mashed potatos on that list too. Ruebens, if the butcher still has that pastrami I was drooling over.

If it EVER cools off, my garden needs some first-aid. But the heat this week has been too much for Hol, much less me. And there was plenty to take up time, in the house.

[Hopalong]

Bravo to this, Amber:

I don't want to lay out a detailed plan in my head of what this visit is going to be like. I want to "wing it". Let it be what it will be. And be able to "see what I see".

You really have been your own champion. On your own side. Holding your own counsel. Trusting your own instincts. Releasing what you couldn't control. Tapping into something very very strong that could wait so long.

Wow. So very glad for you and B.

hugs
Hops

PS I have something nice to stay about Steve. He has excellent taste in dogs.
(My first husband was a mammoth yellow Lab. LOL)

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, I have some nice things to say about Steve too. And I SAY them, out loud, in front of God and everyone. 

As to being on my own side, lately I've gone from theoretical to active practice. Just because I have a high degree of trust in B, and "feel" comfortable - now is not the time to let down my guard. One of my weaknesses in past relationships was not standing up for myself enough once it looked like there was some staying power in the relationship. The old "conflict avoidance" means everything will be hunky-dory misconception. As B & I actually begin a closer, day to day routine... I'm making it perfectly clear that I will take care of myself with the right amount of ferocity... AND at same time, I'm committed to finding mutually agreeable compromises and solutions. And if that doesn't work for him.... he's free to choose otherwise.

Yeah, that crazy bold idea came into my head right at the beginning of recognizing those certain "feelings" again. It's kinda my promise to myself - that no matter what happens, or what I feel as a result of things happening - I'm going to be able to take care of myself. Not very soft or smooshie or idealized romantic lovey-dovey... but I kinda learned the hard way, and the lesson finally stuck. I'm ALLOWED to do this - and if it jeopardizes a relationship - well, then, it wasn't the right relationship. So far, B seems to respect that and finds it attractive.

But it's that next phase, where everyone is comfy and relaxed that this kind thing seems to make itself known. Relationship is a "done deal", cool. And then if there is a mask - it slips or falls off. If there has been deception (even self-deception) the cracks begin to show. So, I WILL relax - but I'll still be paying attention.

Crones get wise to this kind of thing, ya know.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

[Phyll]

Hi sKePTiKal,

I am trying to jump in here in some of the other threads as you suggested.  Not sure I can pick up where you lighter and Hopalong are so I just thought I would say a few things about my own Farm.

I think you are correct, you are more in the woods than I am.  Funny you mentioned the movers expressing concern that you would be okay - ours said the same thing to us!  They truly seemed concerned.

 Currently the 4 other year-round occupants are single men.  After our experience with the one neighbor I don't think I will be baking any goodies for them any time soon.  There is a pending sale of another home right now so who knows, perhaps the rural neighborhood will improve.

After our first year here we really have not been doing much gardening.  The soil is very poor and sandy.  Being up north with a shorter growing season, I think we will need to invest in a hoop house.  We do continue to gather compost and our (now 14) hens are contributing to the soil in their substantial runs and in the coop with the deep litter.  We had started an orchard but last winter the mice chewed off all the bark and girdled the trees. The bugs seem to eat all the berries before they get ripe. 

We tried honey bees using the Warre top bar hives but they all froze out 2 years in a row. We did have fun capturing a couple of swarms. It seems there is not enough pollen around to feed them in the spring.  The honey they made came mostly from the sugar we had to feed them.

The only thing that grows successfully here is what grows wild.  Beautiful wildflowers.  This year we have Monarchs fluttering all over the place as W has been spreading/planting the seeds from the Milkweed plants where the orchard used to be.

We had substantial gardens in the country where we lived before, but as I said the pesticides really caused us to lose our appetite for it.  I did enjoy raising the few head of cattle while there.  The 2 heifers b2 calves each while we were there. I had never done anything like that before but W had done it while growing up.