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DD18 seeing nutritional response practitioner (NRP)

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lighter:
Food still a bit if trauma for me, but DD18 and I embrace the darkness with humor.  She's also very compassionate with me and super supportive right now....watching for upset, which means I get things off my chest proactively and stopped stuffing stuff.

I'm a terrible liar with my face....just terrible in general with it.  Lots of processing.

T texted with appointment.

Our stomachs have been very upset so more opportunity to chuckle at the darkness together with all the travel and juggling of people and tasks.

NRP very nice, and less judgy lately. 

It helps.

Lighter

lighter:
Nutritional Response Practitioner..NRP, CB.

Food a trauma since DD20 dx'd with entire body infection in 2012?  I think.  High fasting insulin levels. Low stomach acid. Leaky gut syndrome.   She had asthma and allergies from age 2.  Weight gain from 3rd grade, which correlated to public school breakfasts and lunches, BUT also with visits to my In Laws in 2008 and I suspect MIL poisoned DD with heavy metals during one particular visit where DD went on visit without her younger sister AND came home calling me a liar, thief, murderer, saying Grandma told her she didn't have to listen to me anymore, she was getting a new mommy and daddy, etc.  I think MIL was unstable before she lost her son.  Afterwards, she was overtly unstable.  Attorneys talked about FIL and MIL being crazy....."but MIL was really crazy."  I'm deadly serious in that statement.  Aside from everything you want to believe or what personal experience brings up.....my MIL is terrifyingly vengeful and thinks of my kids as extensions on ME.  She's convinced herself her son isn't the father.....I think she did it so she could do what's she's done. 

That's difficult to reconcile, bc...what sweet grandma would poison her own grandchildren, right?  Emotionally and physically, right?

So, DD dx'd with Lymes and heavy metal levels off the chart.  Obesity.  An MD said heavy metals a part of why she gains weight like she does.  We did oxygen chamber therapy. Chelation, nutritional response testing, supplements and zero g/s/d.  I saw inflammation drop off DD and ME while we were eating more food....the food has proven to be the key, IME.

Eating that way, while dealing with organizing and serving g/s/d free meals, along with handfuls of supplements with 4th and 6th grade daughters, during custody trial in another State....4 hours away from my war room of legal documents, was trauma.  Food was trauma, bc the girls were just kids struggling with it too, but DD20 was pre diabetic and NRP barking at me.....DD20's health was seriously compromised and scaring me badly....I was breaking doen in grocery stores looking for things we COULD eat while finding everything we couldn't....zero sugar on labels hard to find.  DD20 was addicted to milk and cheese....she screamed and screamed and I clutched little boxes of single serve milk while trying to deal with the screaming in the middle of the trial prep paperwork and fact In Laws successfully bought off court appointed Therapist doing assessments on both girls and In Laws, but managed to make assessments all about ME, which meant I had to be assessed AND hire another T to come to our home and do assessment there and in the girls' school to combat the hit job assessments the incompetent T did in her office...
:: big breathe::.

It was terrifying and one if the hardest years of my life, so ya.....forcing us to eat clean oritien all day, with clean veggies and ONE carb a week with ONE meal was traumatic, bc it was part if a larger trauma. 

I neeeeded to clear up brain for so I could get through the trial and 50 boxes of documents from 10 or so other trials we always won,or had reversed and ended up winning, but it was expensive and meant to Starve us out.

DD20 never looked better, btw, bc NRP knew what she was doing.  I could think clearly and list 20lbs, unintentionally, bc NRP was goid at what she did, even if she was smacking me around emotionally a bit and scaring me about DD20's health.

Back to DD20's health. 

I know this is a stretch and seems I,believable, but I suspect MIL of gaining access to heavy metals and Luke's disease with or without her MD sister's help through her job and access at the CDC.

The final piece of evidence was a letter written by MIL to the Assistant District Attorney stating her sister suggested MIL's son wasn't the father if Lighter's children.  MIL offered her son's baby hair for DNA analysis to prove this was the case, which explains, in my mind, how MIL could do what she did.....she identified my children as extensions of ME.  Nothing to do with her son, my husband, the girls obvious father i, that they look so much like him....it's uncanny.

Once my mother was dx'd with cancer I moved in with my disabled father and his caretaker who kept the house full of g/s/d and sabotaged me and the girls at every turn.

I was trying, and lisi,g the battle.  Add feeding my mother and sf....both of them were losing weight in scary ways....I needed mom to eat something, even as she starved to death, bc the cancer was stealing all her nutrition and the chemo was killing her appetite.

I had 1 fruend doing the same g/s/d free food plan and her home was a refuge in a world of people scoffing down junk foid in front of us while scoffing at the idea if food being of any importance to health.

Truthfully, the legal made it easier to eat right, bc I had to think more clearly to survive and fight that trial, which lasted more much longer than both criminal trials put together, while crushing the girls with3 different psych evaluations during a summer we were supposed to travel to Canada for a vacation we'd never get.

By that third T's examination my youngest DD was barking "that's clasdified" at the T, and he told the Judge he I,derstoid it, the kids were being harmed by the evaluations,travel and threat if being taken away from their one present parent by grandparents who'd refused to see them for 2 years while claiming Lighter denied them all access to the girls, bc accysing Lighter if what they were doing, or what their son dud, was a strategy they employed regularly, and was effective till it was time to prove their case.

I ended up dusproving their negatives and paying lawyers to help,me,, which was the important thing for the In Laws....to starve us out, create fear and punish me for killing their son, which is logical until you're forced to prove the In Laws were engaged in illegal heinous fuckery against me AND the girls beginning 2 years prior to their son's death, which was the only reason my final, kick ads ex special forces attorney agreed to take my case at all......bc the vengeance began 2 years prior to ASPFh's death.

The in laws were allowed to bring cases they had no standing in....they won appeals, bc they were, for a time, sympathetic characters.

For all the above reasons, and bc my brother eats fast food g/s/d, drinks red bull mixed with vidka, still, after dd18 fatty liver and gallbladder removal.....with most if the world eating that way around us....while DD20 went from size 14/16 eating what I brought into house, to maybe size 22 or larger now, and DD18 spent 2 years dropping 1/3 if her body weight in an anorexic spiral.....
Food is a trauma.

I have a lot to talk about with T, yup yup yup.
It's all connected, CB and yes I k,or how whacky it is to read.

The thing is, I consistently tell only truths, even if I sometimes do it with emotion.  I'm usually reporting facts, as they really are or report them sans any exaggeration. 

That the truth is rotten often colors people's perceptions of me for saying terrible truths out loud, but those are likely understatement if the true facts involved.

It's a recurring fact my story checks out, over and over again, with zero lies, ever, while opposing side gets by with wild accusations I'm forced to disprove in court, over and over till the last Judge awardedme all my legal fees in that matter....should have been over 100k had my ATTIRNEYS not dropped several balls I asked them to carry.

People, esp my attorneys, always assumed everyone lies...including me.  They're always stunned when the evidence unfolds and I was really understating and refusing to rmbellish.  Not bc I'm pure or goid, but bc I'm driven to align my external workd with my internal world.

I needed and still maybe need people to see and I,fresh and the truths....perhaps judge me, bc that's who I am.

My dd's father and his father battled weight all their lives.  My FIL, who is at least 80yo, eats 1 meal a day and jogs 2 miles in army boots to control his weight.

My ASPDh worked out 7 days a week and drank protein shakes while living on turkey, cheese, bread at dinner. 

My dd20 has 30% more body fat bc she's female.  I wanted her to have more than one meal a day and a lifetime of excersising like a maniac, which just makes her hungrier.

She can eat more, work out normally and be healthy, ime. She just has to stop eating things her brain lights up over.  She needs to eat more food, but nutrition dense foods....and that is sad and hard and near impossible when most everyone eats g/s/d and her eating disorder T told her all foods are good foods.  I thi,I that T was an anorexic doc, frankly....did far more harm to DD20 than good.  That's when the real weight gain began, bc living on ramen is "good." 

Makes me want to pull my hair out!

For f's sake.  Sabotage.

I'll likely edit this rant, if you make through, so please don't quite me in rezponses.

I'm going to work on 3rd bed and bathroom layout now. 

I'm not unhinged right now, but I notice holding my breath and feeling some frustration.  I wonder how I drove across 3 States, while caring for 2 children, doing trial prep without my peripheral vision and all but blind in left eye with cataract, I truly do.  My sister helped.  That's how I did it.  She helped me save myself over and over again at the expense if her own family.

Neeeeding professionals to do their damb jobs keeps poppi,g up for me, Tupp.

Being sabotaged by them, while paying them abd being badly threatened or harmed by them, is a sad reality, ime.

Almost zero accountability, screw not bein believed when tell I,g these stories.  Matters not as long as I get it. Not everyone has the scope if experience to get it. 

Still.....hiw will anything improve if there aren't any consequences for sabotage and dismal failure in jobs entailing large responsibility For care and protection of societies least powerful members?

Money talks.

Thank God enough good people stand up, for the right reasons with nothing to gain.  Speaking generally, not specifically about my situatio.

There are people willing to stand up to power.  That has to be enough for now.

I rabbit holed, CB, but food is scary and MIL fed my kids cheap donuts for breakfast while claiming I was killing the girls with food.....under oath.  It was satisfying when my attorney asked permission to open cheap little cards and gifts MIL Schlepped into custody court to prove I was denying her access.  Some of the packages had no a dress.  Some required signatures at my mother's address where she lived part time.  There were dollar store books and......
Wait for it.....
Candy followed by a lot of stuttering from MIL explaining why her feeding the girls junk wasn't " killing" them.  Mind you, I was struggli,g with zero g/s/d while MIL makes wild accusation after wild made up stuff she's doing, herself.  I was tending to the girls while In Laws tormented us in the courts and finally just admitted it in the end.  It was veangence, ya the kids were harmed by their actions, so what?   Very enlightening for everyone in the courtroom....only my family and friends.  That kind of heinous fuckery doesn't call for supporters in the court room...witnesses, that is.

Food is hard right now, bc dd20 eating terrible inside our home.  I can say....it is killing her.

My mother was starving to death with cancer at the start of that custody trial.  I'd cook anything she wanted to get her to eat while My kids were in the basement playing games, eating healthy, taking supplements....me upstairs.  It wasn't ideal.  It felt very......hard.

It feels very hard now.

Lighter

lighter:
I still pray, CB.  More often for others, but it feels right when I do.

Thank you for the kind thoughts.  If it doesn't read that way, I'm in a much better head space than I was. 

I have strategies and tools, if only I could deploy them consistently.

This food thing is......I have niece's 21st birthday party coming up.  Before that plan, before hard switch to pristine eating....food was problem with my brother at Christmas.

The holiday blew up and I was so sad I wouldn't get to spend time with niece and nephew baking and decorating gf Christmas cookies in a clean kitchen....fill it with more and new memories while sis and BIL visited from Canada.  It was lining up, in my head, to be magical holiday, then poof.  It went away.

And it's coming back up again.  I can't trust myself not to burst out crying at the gathering WTH?

I know what to work on with T on Monday. 

There also has to be rules around family discussions....no politics or religion.  I know my brother feels he's saving us....his intentions are pure. 

Well, I promise not to talk about food, even as we navigate awkward moments around skipping cake and bbq....I really love bbq. 

I hope he can calm his nervous system enough to stop talking about politics.  I see him try.

Focusing on kids and projects and the best of what we'll do with the time we have left is plenty enough, I think.

Lighter

lighter:
Hops:  I think people focusing on eating real food, sans chemicals etc are viewed as what you asked me about earlier.  Didn't have time to respond.

We're viewed as having eating disorders, bc we aren't eating what " normal" people eat?

Maybe. 

It sure is hard dropping all the addictive food choices shoved at me every time I turn around, I won't lie.  Really hard.

Real food, sans chemicals, is pretty boring stuff, imo.  My brain wants exciting foods!

Excluding ALL inflammatory foods might appear like a sickness if I didn't know how my body heals and changes....feels when I'm pristine with choices.

I'm not strictly pristine right now.  It is....
 a goal, to be sure.

Lighter

Hopalong:
I hear you, ((((Lighter)))).

When I ran across the term orthorexia I didn't think of it as a critical judgement or a diagnostic or shaming label, just a new term I hadn't known about. It's true I thought of you, but just in hopes that if that sandal fits in your own view, the info (if new to you) might possibly wind up being helpful. (I spend way too much time in rabbit holes on the internet. And also way too much time trying to fix others.) FWIW, this is what I read: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/other/orthorexia. One of those dire sites that spells out what might be wrong, not what's working well, of course.

I realize (really for the first time recently) how very significant the issue of eating disorders has been for you and your DDs, and am just getting my head around how incredibly scary and deeply difficult that must be. I am so sorry you've been carrying all this for so long. And I can imagine how desperate you must've been feeling for the right solutions, right diets, right foods, etc.

Sending you peace around all of it, as much as you can receive. You deserve not to live in such a fearful state. From any source. You've got trusted tools and practices that I hope will help you just as much as you've tried to share them to help others. I'm not suprised at all that it's hard to stay centered right now when you perceive your kids are endangered. I do agree with other posters that they must accept the torch of responsibility, and that it must pass to them. But from my experience with my own D, I sense how excruciating it can be to release a child to their own consequences. It's the biggest fear and pain I've ever had to process in my life. Years out, I know there was no other alternative. But...letting go. It's so hard.

big hugs and much comfort,
Hops

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