Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
DD18 seeing nutritional response practitioner (NRP)
sKePTiKal:
Lighter - you need a break from your DD's lives. Both of them.
You need to simply have some quiet time by yourself; not working; just relaxing. The beauty of a hotel room in a lovely spalike location - and the anonymity that comes with it?? Minimum a week. Really.
You'll feel more solid in your self as a result.
lighter:
That's what the NRP said, Amber.
Twoapenny:
((((((((Lighter))))))))) I know it's not exactly the same situation, but with myself and son, I was so scared they'd take him away from me that my parenting was tighter than a drum. There was not a crumb of any situation that anyone could get a hook into and starting ripping us apart. Every aspect of every minute of every day was accounted for, in my mind, and I was on top of every tiny little thing. There wasn't a hair on his head that I didn't know the specific length and location of. I'm guessing that it was similar for you. And I think when you've had to parent in that ultra perfect way, and document it extensively, and keep justifying it to x number of people, and had to keep fighting fabricated allegations within a system where people don't follow the rules, and they keep making up new ones if you get your head around the existing ones - I think it's hard to fight against that need to do everything, and not to make a mistake. And maybe hard to watch them make a mistake (or lots of mistakes) especially around health issues, or things that cause problems for everyone, like Pug needing the vet. I just want you to know that I think you're doing an amazing job of dealing with all these issues, old and new, and trying to redraw those boundaries and reassess the situation (especially against the backdrop of all these property renovations and crazy neighbours as well). I hope you can keep seeing how well you're doing and also, I think it's alright not to do it well sometimes? I know I have a really hard time accepting it's alright to f**k up from time to time. But I think it is. Maybe we all need to embrace the f**k up and actively work on doing it more often? Lol. I hope the paths all get clearer and that things settle down more for all of you. You deserve some fun and some really good stress free time xx
lighter:
Tupp:
I'm trying to think of ways to take time off, but typically I see us traveling to places we have unfinished business... sort of killing 2 birds with one stone situations. I SEE myself doing that, but I can't go beyond it just yet.
::sigh::. I unloaded really heavy boxes of tile today. Helped load them last night. My back is feeling strong and healthy. I pay very close attention to how I lift, etc. THIS feels like old me. I like old me. I like being active and waiting for no man. I like teaching DD18 and accepting her help when she steps up, which happens more and more. She'll take a little time off to heal her health, which continues to improve.
We've both been moved to NRP appointments every other week, which leaves me feeling like I've been released from a fast moving river into a gentle pond. I'm just floating and gently spinning in place.... able to focus more on things before hustling everything into good enough order so we can mount up, drive for hours and begin again at another home.
DD18, Jenna's health improving is THE most important thing right now. It's everything. There is NOTHINGelse that matters so much as that and we discussed how she's feeling last night over a meal we've shared and loved most of her life. It's Salt and Pepper Squid and Chow Fun with snow pea leaves, carrots, baby bok choi and these really delicious tender shrimp. J ate SO MUCH last night. The last time we ate that meal together she could hardly eat anything... was really not able to eat any solid foods.
She's feeling better, healthier...... even if she's still wrestling with her body image and gaining healthy pounds..... she feels the gains. She celebrates them.
We talk about traveling to take care of unfinished business in Texas, GA and the island. Neither of us will go in this summer heat so we look to making plans NOW, around NRP appointments. By fall I hope both DD and I are able to move appointments with NRP to once a month, or so.
Food is neutral rigth now, at least for me. My brain's calmed down enough..... routines are in place enough..... I just move through my days repeating what's working without too much thinking about it. Very few sad moments come up, typically when watching stupid tv..... pictures of CAKE..... food I can't have anymore. That trips me up, but not badly.
Jenna and I spend more time making good choices together and less time plotting bad choices in detail then following through a small percentage of the time.
Today DD made a nutritional milkshake with chia seeds, flas, hamp seeds, blueberries and coconut oil. It came out thick, room temp and the color and texture of cement,wich reminded me of the volcanic ash we drank to pull toxins out of our bodies...... drinking mud was how it felt.
THIS drink was a pudding for me.... reminded me of pabum from babyhood, but with a bit of blueberry fruitiness the pabum never had. I felt good about it... almost finished an entire coffee cup full, in fact. Jenna..... not so much. She has no positive associations with it at all.
Because I feel it's good for her, I'll go blend hers up with ice, water and macha tea powder. I think she'll enjoy it that way.
Tupp... you were right about everthing y0u said....about parenting under fire in a system that's broken. It's not something you just get over. It's INSIDE us, something we peel away, slowly, layer by layer.... is how it feels.
And it's a few shuffes forward then a jump here and there with T. I'm trying to stop feelingn frustrated and judgmental about how it's going. It's going the way it needs to go and it's always OK. Even when I don't move forward, even when I fall backwards....it's OK. I'm learning. I'm noticing what's there. This has been really helpful in moving through it, IME.
I'm at peace with laying what feels like groundwork now.
Groundwork is getting the girls the help they need to overcome the heinous fuchery. It's getting them as healthy as they can be and teaching them to keep themselves healthy. THIS is everything. THISis the ground work I need to take care of, even if it appears to some I'm standing still...failing to do things as they'd DO them, etc.
I notice I have things I have to do every day. To feel OK. Before I begin things others w.ould identifyy as a priority. I have to sort, fix or clean something I notice or something in the kitchen or bathroom...... the side of a freezer where the cabinet was removed the day before and you can see 25 ears of disgusting brown stuff... what IS it? And it has to be cleaned before I can go out the door,and my ADD has me moving like an octopus for severalhours..... going from thing to thing to thing... getting SO MUCH DONE in those hours. Amazing and familiar, but it's neither to Jenna who just wants OUT the door. She's not built like me that way, but she does try to help, bc it gets us out the door sooner. She feels I need to revisit the way I move through the world. I agree. More serenity, less chaos would be nice.
Lighter
lighter:
CB:
Oldest DD20 works full time at an eye care center. She's starting school in the fall to be an optomestrist. I believe she can finish a 4 year program in 2.5 years if she continues working at the eye clinic. It seems like a solid plan.
Youngest DD18 is taking a little time to heal her mind and body before jumping into University. That's OK by me. She's up for helping me while handling the anorexia. We aren't planning to travel to Galveston TX, South GA or the island during summer months, however. Will plan fall and winter trips. What part of TX do you live in, if you don't mind saying?
We're feeling safe, regarding the pandemic. All vacc'ed up and living pretty normally, even though our town has some pretty high numbers.... it's a tourist town.
Right now we're at the lake house...... I have to find a drain pipe in the yard and try to unplug it so the water in the basement can drain. There isn't much, but it's about 4 inches from a pile of big rugs, so...... will get on that when the day cools a bit.
Figuring out new bed and bathroom layouts, where electricity goes, etc..... not hard. Just has to be thought all the way through and clearly communicated before info needed.
We're going into larger town to pick up building supplies today. Maybe heading back home tomorrow.
We've been moved to every other week appointments with the Nutritional Response Practitioner, which is a relief.
When we go back to Atlanta, we'll plan to hit the GA Aquarium, Center for Puppetry arts (eek) and our favorite restaurant in the world... Canton Cooks. SO GOOD! Not healthfood, but we're being so careful right now..... a little bobble every now and again doesn't set us back enough to deter us and we work harder the rest of the time to eat pristine.
I hope your housing search turns up something unexpected and happy very soon.
Lighter
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