Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
DD18 seeing nutritional response practitioner (NRP)
lighter:
Things are better when I stop focusing on others. Not perfect but so much better.
DD21 and I built a glass cabinet yesterday. It was a lesson in patience and who we are under pressure. DD19 is patient, kind and did what she needed to get the job done. I let her lead bc they're her glass cases.
We drove 2 hours to save her $300.00 in shipping costs.....that included the cases being assembled, btw.
There were missing pieces DD had to order from Sweden to complete the second unit. She did that with patience and efficiency. No frustration outside my opening parts bags to identify all were there....she didn't trust that step.
We built one cabinet twice, bc ....a fraction of an inch error there was no escaping.....had to happen that way.
DD learned quickly how difficult DIY furniture is. Esp tall heavy pieces of glass with two people pushing and pulling at once from top to bottom.
I've pulled back from food worry. Girls do better when I do.
I realize I'm never going to be fixed. I learn new things, practice, get better at practicing, or forget. I learn from forgetting, then feel great about figuring it out more deeply....right before awareness of another sore/blind spot pops up.
I think any expectations I held around being "fixed" are turning into acceptance..... there will always be challenges and practicing mindfulness doesn't mean I won't get tipped into survival brain and I should expect it. Over and over. There truly is a COW of the week, every week and it's ok.
The guest at the cottage is lovely, but every day I get questions and reports challenging my serenity. Yesterday the wifi went out which means she's bored and struggling and I have the chance to learn all the puzzles I told her to find.....are gone. There's marker on the coffee table.....I walk her through steps anyone else might figure out and maybe the back and forth is a coping strategy for her.
I will go and write out updated instructions and information in the guest book, etc. Needs to be done, but I'm tuned into my reactivity and on top of it. Noticing my inclination to feel I've done something wrong and spin spin spin in that....blaming a bit.....trying to fix fix fix things I didn't cause and have no power to fix. I can calm it down pretty quickly....do what I can, then put it down....just do it without going back and forth, over and over with her till it's feeling solid.
THIS is everything, all of the time, regardless of the crisis.... I'm learning how to meet it, handle it and accept whatever it turned into as it is....without needing it to be something else. The lesson presents itself over and over.
My figuring this out impacts the relationships in my life positively.
My forgiving myself for forgetting or becoming overwhelmed is a huge part of growth or no growth. I have many opportunities daily to practice all of it and focus on any moment I judge negatively is like standing still..... remaining negative and judgy shuts growth down, but turns into lessons and more trust in the practices and myself.
I didn't realize how much judgment I have until I tried to put it down. The judgment slows everything down, but shows me the lessons again. It's not good or bad.
Lighter
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---guest at the cottage is lovely, but every day I get questions and reports challenging my serenity.
--- End quote ---
I noticed that you felt upset enough to worry/lose serenity over:
--wifi outage (after a storm?)
--puzzles
--marker on a coffee table
I'm not clear on whether "cottage" meant island or lake. But either way, presumably an adult who travels has enough inner resources to deal with things outside your/their control, including self-amusement w/o puzzles (books?) during a wifi outage, and deciding not to sweat something like marks on a table!
Very impressed about a glass cabinet. I was imagining Ikea assembly, which is as close as I allow myself to get to such things.
Great insights about reactivity and judgment, Lighter. Exhausting to have adrenalin surging over and over. You deserve to release things. Or maybe "respond and release" will take the place of "react." Sounds like big work and big progress.
hugs
Hops (also unfixed)
lighter:
Hi, Hops:
it's the island cottage. The lake is still in a huge state of renovation..... no guests till the upstairs is finished, at least.
I'm pretty content to notice discomfort and distress over all the many things creating it for me. I've spent enough time at the cottage to understand feeling cut off and isolated there...... having nothing to take my attention off the work, but mostly my discomfort around asking others for help AND feeling I need to do more more more despite my ability to be somewhere to do it or make it happen,bc it's out of my control. I didn't tell you guys..... this kind, sweet, very dear guest asked me when the last time I'd visited the cottage was.... if I" didn't mind answering."
Ouch. It felt like a pinch to the back of the arm, if I'm being honest, bc I haven't been there since the week COVID made it's big arrival on the scene. I'm feeling whipped by urgency to GET TO THE ISLAND and touch up paint, clean marker off furniture, restock puzzles, replace slip covers, update information/directions/fluff PILLOWS! It's madness, but it's my madness and I'm amazed every time it comes up and I manage to DO what I can then put it on the shelf, over and over..... messy but ends up feeling so elegant when I succeed. It's exciting..... but messy. Hopeful, really.
I have a stack of items to bring to the cottage...... I'll get to it and do what I can, as I can. It's going to be OK. I know it is.
As for the kids, me and food...... I'm doing my thing. They're doing theirs. I'm notr fretting or worrying about them or their choices today and they seem to do better for it. DD21 making healthier choices and including sister's and my needs on some of her food choices at the grocery store. She's pleasant and engaging and offers up support when I least expect it. I assume I'll just keep hammering away at shifting away from being overwhelmed..... getting my nose off my pebbles.
I'll never have my nose off the pebbles for good and that's OK. It helps me to not feel defeated when it happens. It's another opportunity to practice, yup yup yup.
Respond and release sound really good together, Hops.
Lighter
lighter:
The friend who lost her cool with the Nutritionist texted my sister and me today. She'd sent post op pics after her lumpectomy and details of finding her sister's friend deceased on his bathroom floor, naked and covered in vomit...... and more details sis and I just don't have the stomach for. I think some Southern women, used to getting along by being interesting and funny and a bit shocking, have a tolerance for the shocking I don't share.
And I put my feelings around that relationship in order, bc my firsnstinct was to feel guilty for not being in touch or touching base after her surgery....... but that passed. I wanted to help her, but I think I just put more pressure on her and wasn't helpful in useful ways that lasted.
In the meantime, I'm here for short bouts of texting updates with her..... we've known each other since high school...... it's a connection getting more rare these years.....and we've known each others stories, shared some of the harder things. She's been in Therapy and those discussions are the better discussions. I wish I cared more about the family history stuff she's doing for us, but I just don't.
lighter:
I've been very busy in the kitchen recently. All three of our household LOVE the full fat OATLEY brand oat milk in the dark blue container. It's just lovely, even though the Rapeseed oil and sugar content is less than optimal. I'm hoping this is my jumping off point to stop needing any milk replacement.
Last night we made a tomato sauce. Orange lentils the day before yesterday an black lentils last night...... the orange lentils are a great replacement for potatoes or pasta, IMO. Very starchy and hold flavor beautifully. I cook down an onion and fresh tomatoes or canned then add whatever spices...... curry is really good with lentils. Sometimes I add lemon juice and red wine vinegar when I serve them.......really like the acid. The black lentils are nice when not overcooked.
Oldest DDL is off meat, but loving tofu and fish. I'm going to try to sneak tempeh in, since it's fermented tofu and supposed to be better for her. We made a crispy tofu, ground meat filling for dumplings wrapped in the round rice paper wrappers we typically make fresh rolls with. We made rather large square packages with double rice wrappings then pan fried on fairly low heat......the thin rice paper wants to burn easily. I find buying the smaller rice wrappers is better than purchasing the larger ones, for sure.
THESE DUMPLINGS WERE SO GOOD!!! They remind me of the footballs at a good dim sum restaurant, YUM. We ate them up in 2 days and were sad when they were gone. As the dumplings were also very greasy, I'm conflicted also, but it's difficult to stop eating them at the same time. They're very crispy super chewy out of the oil and very sticky when refrigerated. Not easy to eat, why do I love them so much!!?
I buy GF oyster and soy sauce, which has the same flavors as regular.
Now Liquid monk fruit sweetener from Whole Foods does the trick for me and seems to be all Monk fruit and not a blend.
Lots of pickled and beeted eggs on the menu lately...... almost soft boiled, but a bit over that. There's a farm nearby selling duck and chicken eggs I want to visit. The girls say they'd rather crush their ankles than go with me even though they have pigs and all kinds of birds and goats. DDJ says she'd have all those different kinds of poop on her shoes, which is enough to keep her home.
That's my food update.
Lighter
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