DD18 seeing nutritional response practitioner (NRP)

[Hopalong]

Doesn't need to be taken with food, Lighter.
Didn't upset the stomach, just cleaned the pipes since I overdid it.

It melts easily in water and is just mildly sweet. No calories, no carbs. I think I'll just mix it in my usual water I sip while winding down. (Hah, winding down.)

I agree we need to educate our doctors better. I don't tend to hold them individually responsible for those gaps, as they're already overwhelmed trying to absorb so MUCH current science and tech in their training. But offering those who want it a more balanced training for less-complicated conditions that includes complementary approches sure would make sense. As long as we don't throw the science-baby out with the bathwater.

Some who specialize in Family Practive are doing better in that regard, I understand. When any doctor goes full-conventional OR full-never-conventional their patients are missing out, imo. Supplements aren't regulated so many manufacturers fill in with marketing where evidence (and purity) should be. Then again, the usual passing out pills and leaping to the knife IS regulated but so often can still do harm.

I couldn't be a scientist or a doc, that's for sure. And only reluctantly am a patient these days.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

I sure hope you get your dose right this evening and sleep like a babe.

You already know how I feel about small minded, ignorant, arrogant Western docs and how much harm I've seen them do so I won't go there in this thread.

Sleep well.  Drink lots of water....maybe sprinkle a little pink salt into the glass to make sure your body can use it.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.
I don't think my body needs pink salt to make good use of water. What am I missing? We have great water in this area with so many mountains and a highly-rated public water system.

Nice news. I wrote my doc explaining about the inositol. He's known me for years and that I research everything (I turn down most prescriptions and he is always respectful of my thinking and decisions.) He emailed that he's interested in what I read about inositol and wanted to know where one gets it. (Told him the research is extremely scanty but did find that 18 grams of inositol was as effective against panic attacks as SSRIs, and also calms the brain for sleep. So I couldn't turn down a chance at a natural and harmless twofer if it works.) He got it. I asked him to let me know if he learns more about it. (I read more and inositol naturally affects serotonin in the brain, the same thing SSRIs target.)

I like the relationship. It's cooperative, respectful and supportive. I'll be sorry when he retires next year but have decided that what I will find then is a younger and female geriatrician, to guide me all the way through as necessary. (In addition to being my own advocate and researcher --plus taking the cafeteria approach to modalities-- as long as I am able.)

hugs and so far, I'm thrilled -- just had my SECOND normal night's sleep! I can't believe it but am feeling verrrrrrrry grateful.

Hops

[lighter]

That is amazing news, Hops.  A second night's sleep! 

How astonishing when something as simple as a supplement brings relief and healing in a day.

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm going to post about a lot of things on this thread...... mostly bc food is really vexing me right now.... shutting me down.... paralyzing me, upsetting me, making me angry and I feel helpless around it right now as food, as everything, is about profit at the expense of things I hold dear......and sometimes it's really hard to scrape my nose off certain pebbles.  It just is. I'm on THAT food pebble right now, considering seeing my T about, but that's 100.00 to have her walk me through getting my nose OFF the pebble and shifting my focus to THIS moment, what's mine to handle, what's not (my dd's/FOO's/Friend's relationships with food) and DO WHAT I CAN IN THIS MOMENT, which brings me back to feeling paralyzed in the moment and it's a cycle.... a familiar cycle.

::I can do this I can do this::.  and if I can't I'll make the appointment with my T, who's in another office and seeing clients face to face, which is very comforting and helpful BUT...... but but.

So, restoring choice, understanding what's there and accepting it, even if it's scary.  Ya.  That.

I'll post this here, even though it likely belongs elsewhere..... I've basically let the connections with all my neighbors go.... just dropped them, outside baking lovely little packages of gf brownie cookies and wrapping them beautifully..... I was unhappy to receive thank you calls...... I couldn't get off the phone quick enough and that's OK.  I notice I have the old fear around not having social connection, but it's an echo of 2006 - 2014.  It's not NOW or real or something I can't replace with things I find uplifting.... energizing....JOYFUL.

I want more joy. Less making do.  Less negative energy.... wondering what the Yelly Neighbor said when Cowboy stops making eye contact, which he has..... I just dont want care anymore WHAT YG said or did or does and that translates into feeling less pressed in on, less viewed and judged and threatened in any way. 

I can say..... I've noticed I just care nothing about YG or his gossiping and I might have ONE conversation with retired nurse neighbor about it....before putting it to bed...... but she gets it or she doesn't.  She  won't tell or gossip, as all the other neighbors would and if she did..... big whoop. 

WOW.

THAT IS AMAZING to just not give a frog's fat ass about what YG said and who things what. Just..... retired nurse will GET it or she won't.  I can return the tupperware to YG's wife or not.  I can limit the time I waste worrying about not having social connection to these people and spend it on the people I find joyful...who build me up and make me laugh. OH TO LAUGH.  It's amazing and it happens and if I'm honest..... maybe I've spent more time worrying about the neighbors and the YG than I have nurturing my amazing small friend group, darnit, THAT IS THE TRUTH.

And this.....
if I don't judge myself during paralysis and turmoil.... I free myself up to process the paralysis and turmoil and respond with discernment to CHANGE what I can change, make peace with what I can't and seek out what I want more of.

Noticing how my own thought patterns and habits keep me stuck....
noticing when I judge myself for it......
means I can do the work, get unstuck, grow and work through the next COW, bc there will always be COWs.

Doesn't mean I'm broken or unable to expand my window of resilience, for surely I'm growing and have more resilience if I'm able to be  honest. 

What it means is my default setting is to ASSUME I'm broken.... assume I'm unable to build resilience and that's just silly, bc the brain is absolutely capable of making those changes.  Every brain can, incuding my own.

And that pattern of hitting old default settings, noticing them, steering over them and l getting on with what I DO want..... is everything.

Several times a day I NOTICE myself going down old pathways and anger pops up around it,.w hich is better than fear, IME.  I resent the time and energy stolen by future fears and rumination of historic events I put down...... over a year ago.

Just noticing the space fear takes up in my brain is HUGE and I know it's important.

Every lesson shares a similar reactivity....... but remembering that reactivity, knowing it's not ME.... understanding I can put it down and pick up whatever I choose feels hopeful, but it's not yet second nature.  Those pathways aren't all up and running, covered in fat and faster than lightening......
yet.

They get faster.  They pop up more often and THAT's just what it is.  It's not good or bad it's what's going on for me on this healing journey.

And the anger...... it's not AT ME, as it was when I started seeing my T.  What a roller coaster ride.

It's at the reactive fear in my brain...... I'm ready to reep benefits of installing new hardware and pathways........ it's not anger at myself for failing, bc honestly.... this is the hardest work I've ever done in my life.  I can feel my brain burning.... top right.  It takes more energy to stop the old reactivity, which requires very few calories to run compared to higher brain functions..... it's anger at the reactivity still there..... and my slow response to it, even though there's improvement and that's another thing to accept. 

These things happen in their own time, if I practice.... I get better at it, the brain installs new pathways and makes them faster according to my wrestling myself ONTO them, over and over, even when I fail, Ijust keep practicing and getting myself back on track and noticing without judging.

I should journal daily. Again. 

OK, geusts just sent me a photo of their view through the Cottage window, which is the same view on my website..... just glorious... the Atlantic is that magical blend of blues the Bahamas offers.  And I wanted to cry, bc that couple had to spend a night at a crappy Ft Lauderdale hotel (which I've had to do) then pray standby seats opened up on a really crappy airline known for delays and canceling flights over water on the runway and who knows what else..... THESE GUESTS MADE IT and I have to tell you.  I noticed reactivity pop up for me, over and over, and I just put it away, over and over. 

I accepted the 3 other guests weren't willing to jump through the hoops to make our Cottage happen.  I accepted it was likely this couple wouldn't continue working to make this trip happen,bc it was one thing after another, as always when traveling to the island and I just let it be what it was.  I didn't wring my hands or knash my teeth, which honestly.... I WOULD have without being able to stop it this time last year, likely. 

What I really noticed...... my dropping the problems/putting them on the shelf, opened up more room for problem resolution. I didn't get bogged down with frustration or resentment or reminders of the contractor or anyone or anything negative...... my brain got right back on track without too much fuss and that's a GOOD THING!

My responses to the guests were all concise and helpful and didn't wonder down rabbit holes.  The guests asks questions, I read them TWICE to discern what she needs to know and don't add to it.....I think I would have been anticipating problems and solving them into the future before, as was my habit out of necessity over the years. 

That's not necessary any longer.  I don't HAVE to do that and if  I really ever do..... I've got all the answers and I can send them as needed.....not all up front, bc I feel obligated to be more than honest, more than forthcoming, more than helpful in every single way I possibly can be, bc that's where my worth is..... in my own head.  I'm not responsible for everyone and everything all the time, but that's how I've been operating IN my head and that doesnt leave a lot of room for other things, IME.

So, ya.... this guest (2 of the orginal 5) and I had a different experience..... I was very mindful of my focus and the trip is working out,which is an absolute miracle and I'll take it as proof shifting focus to postive responsiveness beats the heck out of reactivity focused on the negative, yup yup yup.

Just...... amazing.  I consider this manifesting something good and understanding the difference between manifesting what I'm leaving behind.... have I LEFT those things behind?  I'm not sure, but I'm curious to see how this manifesting what I want works out for me. 

It feeeeeeels like the old reactivity is smaller in my brain, taking up less space, utilizing fewer calories..... if that makes sense. 

It's easier to spot it....like spotting a bit of pepper in a big bowl of salt. 

And it's almost like....... a part of me I'm not real familiar with is the one zeroing on the old pathways....... and it's exciting, if a little scary, bc it's a sort of confrontation, isn't it?  My allergy to conflict hasn't dissapeared, but it's less....... it feels distanced and farther away.....not so charged...... just...... a thumb jerk and the old reaction moves.  No need for a crowd or fight about it...... no need to pin it down and pull it apart.... understand it and all it's moving pieces.... just..... thumb jerk. 

I guess the anger is from the part of me feeling helpless and paralyzed and I can let her know it's not her job to DO anything, but rest and feel safe.... cared for...... whoever this new person is giving the reactivity the thumb..... she's got it covered and it's OK if sometimes we get down the road a bit farther than preferred with the reactiviy..... we SEE it. We respond.  We restore balance and trust the balance will be there, even when COWs create bobbles, and they will.  Over and over again.

I trust the COWs are opportunities to practice and not proof I'm broken and failing and a failure, bc that's not true.

OK, one thing I've also been struggling a bit with is my relationship to the Lake house renovation.  I spent a lot of time honing the tools and pigments for tackling the huge kitchen cabinet piece of this distressed wood job.....and the plan feels very solid to me.  I'm a thinker....I like to work things through on paper, then do many samples and I've done those things.  I KNOW what damage I'm going to inflict on this super hard Oak wood.  I know where the damage will be placed and the depth of it and the width of the marks.....the brown an black pigments and the sealants.... just as I figured out how to clean 30 years of cooking grime off them..... and I stopped worrying about breaking the doors in half, which has happened to me on other jobs, but it won't on THIS job and if it does....... it's just a door repair. Not the end of the world, not a failure, just a problem waiting for it's solution and I have that too.

So...... ya.  The kitchen is lined up to be finished.  I've decided not to paint all the upstairs doors black.  There will be some painted doors, but they're not all going black, which I really liked, but the distressed wood is something my heart swoons over, even if it's more work for me.  I adore it.

My youngest DD is trying to connect with me lately....... and there was a lot of frustration for her when trying to talk to me lately.  I think her T is helping....... I can honestly say.... I think she wants to bash her head on the sidewalk if any old references of the PDs in our lives come up...... or PDs in general.  She understands PDs perfectly well.  She doesn't want to dwell or go down rabbit holes with me and that's timely,bc I don't want to either: )

So, more dancing in the kitchen (which still happens)...... and... as I write this a big truck just sprayed what's likely salt water onto our circle and road leading up to it.  There's mostly slush at this point.  DD21L will have an easier time getting in and out of the neighborhood and that feels really good.  We're getting along just fine..... I've sent both girls links to a Cardiologist's Youtube talk about things they already know...... bless me for caring, but I know I have to step back and let them chart their own paths. 

I'll try to chart just my own; )

Lighter
 

[lighter]

Things are better when I stop focusing on others.  Not perfect but so much better. 

DD21 and I built a glass cabinet yesterday.  It was a lesson in patience and who we are under pressure.  DD19 is patient, kind and did what she needed to get the job done.  I let her lead bc they're her glass cases.

We drove 2 hours to save her $300.00 in shipping costs.....that included the cases being assembled, btw.

There were missing pieces DD had to order from Sweden to complete the second unit.  She did that with patience and efficiency.  No frustration outside my opening parts bags to identify all were there....she didn't trust that step.

We built one cabinet twice, bc ....a fraction of an inch error there was no escaping.....had to happen that way.

DD learned quickly how difficult DIY furniture is.  Esp tall heavy pieces of glass with two people pushing and pulling at once from top to bottom.

I've pulled back from food worry.  Girls do better when I do. 

I realize I'm never going to be fixed.  I learn new things, practice, get better at practicing, or forget.  I learn from forgetting, then feel great about figuring it out more deeply....right before awareness of another sore/blind spot pops up.

I think any expectations I held around being "fixed" are turning into acceptance..... there will always be challenges and practicing mindfulness doesn't mean I won't get tipped into survival brain and I should expect it.  Over and over.  There truly is a COW of the week, every week and it's ok.

The guest at the cottage is lovely, but every day I get questions and reports challenging my serenity.  Yesterday the wifi went out which means she's bored and struggling and I have the chance to learn all the puzzles I told her to find.....are gone.  There's marker on the coffee table.....I walk her through steps anyone else might figure out and maybe the back and forth is a coping strategy for her.

I will go and write out updated instructions and information in the guest book, etc.  Needs to be done, but I'm tuned into my reactivity and on top of it.  Noticing my inclination to feel I've done something wrong and spin spin spin in that....blaming a bit.....trying to fix fix fix things I didn't cause and have no power to fix.  I can calm it down pretty quickly....do what I can, then put it down....just do it without going back and forth, over and over with her till it's feeling solid. 

THIS is everything, all of the time, regardless of the crisis.... I'm learning how to meet it, handle it and accept whatever it turned into as it is....without needing it to be something else.  The lesson presents itself over and over.

My figuring this out impacts the relationships in my life positively.

My forgiving myself for forgetting or becoming overwhelmed is a huge part of growth or no growth.  I have many opportunities daily to practice all of it and focus on any moment I judge negatively is like standing still..... remaining negative and judgy shuts growth down, but turns into lessons and more trust in the practices and myself.

I didn't realize how much judgment I have until I tried to put it down.  The judgment slows everything down, but shows me the lessons again.  It's not good or bad. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

guest at the cottage is lovely, but every day I get questions and reports challenging my serenity.

I noticed that you felt upset enough to worry/lose serenity over:
--wifi outage (after a storm?)
--puzzles
--marker on a coffee table

I'm not clear on whether "cottage" meant island or lake. But either way, presumably an adult who travels has enough inner resources to deal with things outside your/their control, including self-amusement w/o puzzles (books?) during a wifi outage, and deciding not to sweat something like marks on a table!

Very impressed about a glass cabinet. I was imagining Ikea assembly, which is as close as I allow myself to get to such things.

Great insights about reactivity and judgment, Lighter. Exhausting to have adrenalin surging over and over. You deserve to release things. Or maybe "respond and release" will take the place of "react." Sounds like big work and big progress.

hugs
Hops (also unfixed)

[lighter]

Hi, Hops:

it's the island cottage.  The lake is still in a huge state of renovation..... no guests till the upstairs is finished, at least.   

I'm pretty content to notice discomfort and distress over all the many things creating it for me.  I've spent enough time at the cottage to understand feeling cut off and isolated there...... having nothing to take my attention off the work, but mostly my discomfort around asking others for help AND feeling I need to do more more more despite my ability to be somewhere to do it or make it happen,bc it's out of my control.  I didn't tell you guys..... this kind, sweet, very dear guest asked me when the last time I'd visited the cottage was.... if I" didn't mind answering."

Ouch. It felt like a pinch to the back of the arm, if I'm being honest, bc I haven't been there since the week COVID made it's big arrival on the scene.  I'm feeling whipped by urgency to GET TO THE ISLAND and touch up paint, clean marker off furniture, restock puzzles, replace slip covers, update information/directions/fluff PILLOWS!  It's madness, but it's my madness and I'm amazed every time it comes up and I manage to DO  what I can then put it on the shelf, over and over..... messy but ends up feeling so elegant when I succeed.  It's exciting..... but messy.  Hopeful, really.

I have a stack of items to bring to the cottage...... I'll get to it and do what I can, as I can. It's going to be OK. I know it is.

As for the kids, me and food...... I'm doing my thing. They're doing theirs. I'm notr fretting or worrying about them or their choices today and they seem to do better for it.  DD21 making healthier choices and including sister's and my needs on some of her food choices at the grocery store. She's pleasant and engaging and offers up support when I least expect it.   I assume I'll just keep hammering away at shifting away from being overwhelmed..... getting my nose off my pebbles. 

I'll never have my nose off the pebbles for good and that's OK.  It helps me to not feel defeated when it happens.  It's another opportunity to practice, yup yup yup.

Respond and release sound really good together, Hops. 

Lighter

[lighter]

The friend who lost her cool with the Nutritionist texted my sister and me today.  She'd sent post op pics after her lumpectomy and details of finding her sister's friend deceased on his bathroom floor, naked and covered in vomit...... and more details sis and I just don't have the stomach for. I think some Southern women, used to getting along by being interesting and funny and a bit shocking, have a tolerance for the shocking I don't share. 

And I put my feelings around that relationship in order, bc my firsnstinct was to feel guilty for not being in touch or touching base after her surgery....... but that passed.  I wanted to help her, but I think I just put more pressure on her and wasn't helpful in useful ways that lasted.

In the meantime, I'm here for short bouts of texting updates with her..... we've known each other since high school...... it's a connection getting more rare these years.....and we've known each others stories, shared some of the harder things.  She's been in Therapy and those discussions are the better discussions.  I wish I cared more about the family history stuff she's doing for us, but I just don't.

[lighter]

I've been very busy in the kitchen recently.  All three of our household LOVE the full fat OATLEY brand oat milk in the dark blue container.  It's just lovely, even though the Rapeseed oil and sugar content is less than optimal.  I'm hoping this is my jumping off point to stop needing any milk replacement. 

Last night we made a tomato sauce.  Orange lentils the day before yesterday an black lentils last night...... the orange lentils are a great replacement for potatoes or pasta, IMO.  Very starchy and hold flavor beautifully.  I cook down an onion and fresh tomatoes or canned then add whatever spices...... curry is really good with lentils.  Sometimes I add lemon juice and red wine vinegar when I serve them.......really like the acid. The black lentils are nice when not overcooked. 

Oldest DDL is off meat, but loving tofu and fish.  I'm going to try to sneak tempeh in, since it's fermented tofu and supposed to be better for her.  We made a crispy tofu, ground meat filling for dumplings wrapped in the round rice paper wrappers we typically make fresh rolls with. We made rather large square packages with double rice wrappings then pan fried on fairly low heat......the thin rice paper wants to burn easily.  I find buying the smaller rice wrappers is better than purchasing the larger ones, for sure. 

THESE DUMPLINGS WERE SO  GOOD!!!  They remind me of the footballs at a good dim sum restaurant, YUM. We ate them up in 2 days and were sad when they were gone.  As the dumplings were also very greasy, I'm conflicted also, but it's difficult to stop eating them at the same time.  They're very crispy super chewy out of the oil and very sticky when refrigerated.  Not easy to eat, why do I love them so much!!?

I buy GF oyster and soy sauce, which has the same flavors as regular. 
Now Liquid monk fruit sweetener from Whole Foods does the trick for me and seems to be all Monk fruit and not a blend.

Lots of pickled and beeted eggs on the menu lately...... almost soft boiled, but a bit over that.  There's a farm nearby selling duck and chicken eggs I want to visit.  The girls say they'd rather crush their ankles than go with me even though they have pigs and all kinds of birds and goats.  DDJ says she'd have all those different kinds of poop on her shoes, which is enough to keep her home.

That's my food update.

Lighter

[lighter]

As I sit in a tub with eucalyptus, clove and peppermint essential oils I realized how I've been craving and eating things with warm spices  like Vietnamese curry, pears with liverwurst and allspice and cinnamon in my beeted eggs.

This bath is SO amazing. The cloves and peppermint together.... so good.

Lighter

[lighter]

Penzeys has a curry blend called The Now Curry with tumeric, coriander, cumin, garlic, black pepper, fenugreek, cayenne, cinnamon, fennel, nutmeg, white pepper, cilantro, cloves, cardamom and ginger my buddy sent us at Christmas.  Everyone in the house loved it in the orange lentil dish cooked down with onions and tomatoes.