Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I'm new here
sKePTiKal:
Hey Phyll, glad to hear you're on the mend!
I wanted to mention that you're more than welcome to also participate on the other threads, as you have time & feel like contributing. Unlike a lot of forums, we don't have a lot of rules - coz we all break 'em at some point or other - when we're going through a particularly tough time with something. Sometimes we just get chatty (looks at myself). :rolleyes:
This whole covid year has definitely had an impact on everyone. My D - Hol - and I figure people are handling it the best they know how or can. But it's also clear that some aren't doing well at all. Whether it's isolation, past trauma patterns, just general uncertainty or whatever... it's hitting some people harder than others. I absorbed it, as just more reason to expand my unstructured time... and I THINK, overall, I put it to good use. (Time will tell, right?)
There are now 5 residences in my hollar, too. Hol's "Hut" being the latest. She and her partner are the youngest here. She's 43. I've been here 5 years so far. We're spread out over hundreds of acres and I'm at the end of the road (Hol's back yet about another mile) about 2 miles from the 2 lane highway. Over the course the years, I've had a chance to meet everyone just by living here... but we don't exactly "know" each other; still feel like strangers. So at Christmas, I put together boxes of baked goodies and delivered to everyone. Had a nice chat with my 90 yr old neighbor, closest to the highway.... and she baked her biscotti and brought me to try a few days later. My closest neighbor wasn't home and I didn't hear a thing from them - even though if the road needs any attention (plowing or downed trees cut, he's usually on the job). Then at Valentines Day, he and his daughter showed up with a delicious banana cake and a note from his wife, including her phone number. I think she doesn't do well with isolation like this. So I'll probably reach out to her gently, soon.
We're all organic here, too. The first homestead (back in the 90s) we built from scratch. There was already some infrastructure here and at my age, that was a big plus. I could take my time developing things and not make those kinds of mistakes which happen due to "pressure" - perceived and otherwise. With the D here; and her partner being interested in permaculture and wildcrafting/foraging... it's pushed things along a lot faster to a more self-sufficient level. It's not always easy having two generations on the same land - but there's enough of it we can retreat to our own spaces and have some autonomy. That's a big help.
Phyll:
Oh and it has to do with my self esteem also. One more part to my story. When I was 39 a mammogram revealed breast cancer. I had a lumpectomy and 28 lymph nodes removed - 5 had cancer. I went through chemo, radiation, hormone therapies and eventually had my ovaries removed to prevent reoccurrence. It happened at a time I had never felt better - physically and emotionally. I had not dated for nearly 3 years, I put my codependency to good use and adopted a dog. She was my soul mate.
After that I dated a man for about 3 years but broke it off because it was not going anywhere. I dated a few people after that but nothing serious, until I got involved with W. That was at the time I had the ovaries removed. I think my hormone changes contributed to my self esteem issues.
And BTW, I am followed by a psychiatrist since I was 38, and remain stable with medication for depression (dysthymia).
So, that is the rest of the story. I will keep you posted. I am going to spend some time reading other's stories, and keeping up with your posts. Thanks again.
Hopalong:
You have been through a LOT, Phyl.
Life threatening and overwhelming chapters.
No time to contemplate, soothe, encounter the inner child...
But speaking of that, do you have a few more stories that
illuminate your childhood? What kinds of things sank in, the good
and the not-good...and how do you see those stories still working
inside you today?
Me, I've spend decades with my head stuck into my bellybutton so far that all you can see is shoulders. And I don't mind it at all. I'll be happily in therapy on my deathbed, since I'm just one of those humans who requires a village to keep it together and keep on living.
I never got the "dysthymia" diagnosis but have had real depression at times. Mercifully, the SAD light and Vit D and therapy and friends mean I don't use SSRIs any more. But if it got really bad, I'd be glad to do another round.
Look forward to hearing more stories. I think when we choose one to tell, we're telling it to ourselves as well, and sometimes hear new truths or layers we'd never spotted before. Enjoy the telling, because your life is interesting and worth listening to.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Aw, Phyll, I have terrible problems with codependency, I've had so many issues in my life because of it. It's a hard one to shake off, especially if you are by nature a caring sort of a person. It's getting that balance, isn't it, and then trying to keep things on an even keel. Cancer as well, gosh that is all a lot to go through. I can understand the hormones/self esteem link, they do funny things to our heads while they do whatever else it is they do!
Phyll:
Hopalong - Thank you for encouraging me to think and share about my childhood. I agree it is in the telling (our journaling) our stories that more comes out, more is revealed. And Twoapenny, I call it the ever elusive balance, as it is a moving target!
It has been a couple of very full days for me with travel and seeing health care providers. I learned from my surgeon the leg with the newest hip is a little bit short. I will need a lift for my shoe. And I was referred for PT as I lost ground with my recovery. I also saw a wound care specialist, as the very top of my incision is open - not infected, but want to keep it that way. And I met with the infectious disease specialist about the Lymes disease. She confirmed it was caught in the early dissemination phase. She prescribed another round of antibiotic, as the 2 other ones I had were not the "gold standard" for Lymes. She re-did some of my blood work. Got the results back and they show improvement with most within normal limits or nearly normal.
I had the infectious disease specialist laughing pretty hard at one point, as I shared a funny story from my job that she could relate to. Although it might not be reflected here, I am known to be pretty funny. As the youngest in my family, I was the in the classic role as Mascot. It was my job to lighten everything up and make people laugh. I am still good at it and can often cause a group of folks in a meeting to laugh out loud. So that has gotten me started to reflect on childhood memories which I will write about. It makes sense to keep it within this thread I think. But not tonight. I just took a walk with the dogs outside. I can go further without reliance on the quad cane now. I am going to have a bowl of ice cream and get some rest for now.
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