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Phyll:
Reading these quotes and going back over my story writing I think, "Did I write that?" I have been pretty busy the last week or two.
W's attitude has returned. He seems to cycle. Likely has more than one personality disorder going on.
He gets very needy - first thing in the morning he is talking, talking, talking - before the ADD med kicks in, and before I pour a cup of coffee. He is always up earlier with the dogs. With my sleep apnea it takes me awhile to wake up. That is when he wants my undivided attention, criticizes me if I get distracted, if I express an opinion he gets mad and accuses me of arguing with him. Then I cannot get one word in when he interrupts. His criticisms sound like a projection of himself, not me when he accuses me of being self-absorbed. If the news is on he talks over the TV about what he thinks. He gets mad when I ask him to let me listen , to not talk over the TV, or to at least pause the program if he wants to say something. With the news, I prefer to chew my own food - not swallow his regurgitation of what he thinks is news. He groans and complains over the commercials, the coverage..... I often will give up on the news and crawl in the bathroom and play a game on my phone to get away from it. He controls the TV, what we watch and when we watch it. I don't really care - I would rather read, do some art work, or write to friends (like you gals). He also does all the cooking, decides what we eat and when. I let that go too, he is a good cook but then complains cuz he does all the work. When I traveled for work he would ask me what I ate for lunch. No boundaries with him. I would tell him what I eat is not his concern. It is all about control. This past week I hardly got time to read my e-mails before he would complain that I was isolating upstairs.
Much of this was triggered over his seeing a new doctor. Our doctor left her practice suddenly. He needed someone to prescribe his prednisone for his polymyalgia. Turns out his blood pressure is sky high. No wonder all the pressure he puts on thinking he has to run everything.
Then there was the other neighbor who comes up on weekends - burning toxic crap in his camp fire 24/7 - making W sick. Not sure if he is disposing waste oil for beer money or getting rid of meth waste - the smoke is blue and it stinks. Cannot get the DNR or the Town to investigate or make him stop. It began last summer when W got really sick, after the neighbor bought the property. He tore down an old trailer on the property, and made it disappear by burying it and burning it - siding, insulation and all.
Initially I found myself walking on egg shells, then getting really rageful and yelling back at W. Then I worked on adjusting my attitude. He does work hard around here, is still building fence around our property, and finished building the deck and back yard enclosure within our 6.7 acres. I focused on helping him with the fence and staining the decks, showed concern over his health problems. If he said I was arguing, I ignored him and walked away.
I have always been too good at understanding why a man in my life was being abusive. I thought I was so clever to figure those things out, and to have the capacity to have such insight. It has taken life-threatening conditions to realize how much denial I was in about the damage that abuse was doing to me.
I have done so much work in this area, yet here I am. Learning to live with it because I don't want to face the guilt if I left after all the work he has done (all the money I spent) and now his health is bad.
I do appreciate the support I am getting from this group. But then I feel like I am taking hostages because I am unwilling to leave him to change the situation that brought me to need the support in the first place.
Guilt, shame and unworthiness. Hmmmm .... I don't like the sound of that. I don't conclude with that. I am a strong, caring, loving, and worthwhile person with much to offer. Thanks for being here. Goodnight.
Twoapenny:
I think understanding why people are abusive (or addicts or anything else that they may be) can quite literally be the death of some people. I've slowly come to realise as the years have gone by that I can understand why someone is the way they are, without having to fix that, deal with their behaviour, accept what they dish out and so on. I think it was hardest with my mum. I knew how much she'd gone through as a child, and then there were many problems in her adult life (I completely understand why she drinks - it's a very effective way to just block things out quickly). I've always found it much harder to get away from people and stay away from them because I can 'get' how people are the way they are. Do you think growing up in certain kinds of families makes you very resilient, too? I'm amazed at how much I've coped with at times - way more than a lot of other people I know could have done. But I had to rely on myself from a young age, I'm used to my needs not being met, I'm used to feeling bad about myself and sad, lonely etc. So I've found it hard to extricate myself from situations - I'm used to coping, rather than being happy. Does it feel like that for you as well?
Your rubbish burning neighbour sounds awful. Is that the same one that you have the restraining order against or is this another crazy one? People can be so thoughtless. I think some people equate 'rural' with 'I can do what I like'. No thought for how it may affect other people. Sounds revolting.
W's behaviour sounds very tiring to deal with. Do you think the blood pressure meds will calm things down a bit again? It sounds very difficult for you to keep coping with. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much xx
Phyll:
Thank you for your reply Tupp. Yes, it is hard to extricate myself from these situations, for many of the reasons you described. Especially when the house is in my name and they won't leave. So what did I do? I married W after living with him for 12 years! I don't think the BP meds will make a difference, but I hope you are right. He has not started on any yet.
Last night Peanut (dog #3) came upstairs to get me because she had to go out. W fell asleep on the couch. When I came down stairs he started yelling at me to get upstairs - that he would let her out. He scared Peanut and when I tried to coax her to go out with W he yelled at me some more. I don't know what else I should have done so I yelled back and went to bed.
The burning guy is not the same neighbor as the one with the restraining order. We heard back from the Warden. After talking with his Supervisor (who we talked to the weekend before last), he said to call or text the next time the guy is burning and he will check it out. Hope he can catch him in the act. It is not wood he is burning. The smoke is blue, hangs in the air and stinks.
Hopalong:
I sure hope you can trap Sir Stinky in the act and that the law will deal with him, since a neighborly conscience is missing. UGH. Wouldn't be surprising if that's added to W's medical woes.
Speaking of woes, I don't think any amount of helpful manly work compensates for yelling and being emotionally abusive any time he's triggered to (sounds like most triggers are in his head, as well). I think you need a domestic violence hotline not because he would be beating you, but because they understand also and are trained to listen and help with the issues of emotional and verbal abuse.
They can damage you just as much as blows, some DV survivors say. Words and volume can be used in a violent way. I couldn't bear being yelled at, and it was the number one reason I left my first husband.
I hope you'll decide to be a survivor, Phyl.
hugs
Hops
Phyll:
I know you are right Hops. The yelling is a huge cost to my physical and emotional well being. I will get the hotline number a try. I have not used it since we moved here over 6 years ago. Thanks.
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