Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I'm new here
Phyll:
Thank you for your warm welcomes, lighter, sKePTiKal, Hopalong, and Twoapenny! I am still struggling with figuring out how this message board works! My story is long and loud and I am happy to share. I look forward to getting to know you and others around this camp fire.
I will start with some basic info. I am 62 years old. I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl growing up. None of us escaped alcoholism. My Mother sobered up when I began my drinking career, about 8th grade. My father died from alcoholism when he was 62. Other than that, life was okay growing up and I always knew I was loved. I retired last July from a 37 year career in public service - my BS degree in Social Work - Yes. I was born to attract narcissists and alcoholics. :<)
What brought me to my knees in 1988, the year I sobered up - was losing the choice to be able to have children. Today we have 3 fur babies (dogs), all border collie mixed breeds - Tilly is 13, Zeke is 9, and Peanut is likely 3 or 4.
I have not had great success in my (romantic) relationships with men. I have enjoyed many long-lasting and beneficial friendships that have sustained me over the years. The pandemic + retirement + moving to a remote location in the woods in northern Wisconsin 6 years ago have taken their toll.
I am fiercely independent. The house is in my name. W and I have been together for 15 years. We got married at the courthouse in March 2020. W has been sober over 17 years, but he no longer goes to meetings. We both have had trauma in our lives, his much more severe than mine.
W was very charming initially. He is smart, funny, controlling, quick to be offended and become verbally abusive. He has a background in electrical/mechanical engineering and can fix almost anything. I was never afraid to live alone before, but with him I moved out of my comfort zone. We have invested all of our money and energy in our home in the woods. Last year we were terrorized by a neighbor who lives a block away. He stalked past our property (which is located on a dead end road) carrying a spear and a 9mm pistol - threatened to stab our dogs and shoot W. We had to go through the circuit court judge to get a restraining order. Thankfully he has obeyed the order so far. We continue to build security systems and fences.
I write all this to explain why I would not feel comfortable living here alone, and I am not ready to give up on dreams W and I share. Perhaps some day, but I do not feel strong enough physically or emotionally at this point in time.
I do however need to be strong in my boundaries. I cannot allow him to abuse me (never any physical abuse). I want to make sure I am never in his care again while disabled.
As I said, my hip replacement was on June 7, and I was sent home the same day. Beginning with day 2, W got me up to give me my pills - yelling at me to sit up and hold my hand out for the medications. He proceeded to complain about how all of this was difficult for him. This has gone on until the last few days since I started feeling better.
I suffered pain and fevers on and off since the surgery, the entire time listening to W make it all about him. He repeatedly accused me of being depressed, that I did not ever want to do anything. (I put the surgery off for nearly a year due to COVID). The fevers and pain increased over the 4th of July weekend, I developed a scary rash and was very weak.
On Monday July 5th I packed an overnight bag while W yelled saying Tilly was dying and I don't even care. I waddled down to my car with my quad cane and drove 1.5 hours to where my doctors and friends are located. I also have ADD and wouldn't you know I forgot my wallet. I had no money or ID, and my bank was closed! It is a good thing I learned how to ask for help. I stayed with friends who cared for me.
I went through many tests. They thought the infection was in my new hip joint and was facing repeat surgeries and extended recovery. All tests were negative so on Friday I went back to my internal medicine doctor who ordered additional blood work. I drove home and the next day I learned it was Lymes disease. I have been on antibiotics since July 5 and will follow up with the infectious disease specialist this Thursday. It seems the illness is easily treatable and caught in an early stage.
Phew. There ya have it. Thank you for your support.
Twoapenny:
Gosh, Phyll, you have been through a lot! I'm so sorry you didn't get the care and support you needed during your post op period. It's really tough finding out that support isn't there, just when you need it most. Boundaries are essential, I think you're right about that. Although easier said than done, not least because other people don't always like them and that can be difficult. But it sounds like you want to try to make your relationship and your life work better for you, and I think at least knowing what it is you need to work on is half the battle.
I think everyone on here has been through at least one of the things you've mentioned - I'll leave it to others to tell their story :) But for me, growing up with alcoholics and my own drink issues in adult life is one thing I recognised in your story. Crazy neighbours is another, although ours are more the inconsiderate kind rather than the restraining order kind. He sounds very disturbed, I'm glad he's keeping his distance. I can understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable out there alone.
I'm sorry that children weren't an option. It's hard when that choice is made for you. Tough one to cope with. The fur babies sound lovely; we have a cat who thinks she's a dog lol.
Are you feeling any better physically? I'm glad they caught the Lyme's early on. I hope the treatments are doing their magic and that you start to feel better very soon xx
lighter:
Not to sound flippant, but sometimes giving up a dream clears space for better dreams, ime.
Sometimes removing our grip is impossible.....we have to go round and round and round till we have no choice. Till we've suffered and struggled enough that leaving hurts less than hanging in.
I'm hear to ask what if?
What if property values are high enough to get enough money to buy something with less maintenance, with the no murderous/stalker neighbors, with no spouse lacking empathy for you?
Everyone requires empathy, Phyll.
Everyone.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Well, not everyone is geared toward compassionately caring for another, especially if it's a close relationship and maybe W is also very dependent on his strong independent woman?
Not dismissing your feelings of frustration, anger, and being neglected/verbally abused. I swear, I think sometimes I'd rather deal with physical pain, than that. (That's just my quirk.) If one has never done caregiving, it can be hard physically, mentally & emotionally. I nursed my late hubby for the 3 months he was increasingly enfeebled - cancer. I swear my night nurses ended up taking almost as much care of me, as him. And I had my meltdowns. And later, the guilt whiplash.
Sounds like you're not quite as far out in the woods as I am. More of a rural subdivision, is that a good description? One thing I remind all new homesteaders is that it takes a good long while to get to know people and eventually be accepted by the people who've lived there, all their lives. Social life & activities are scarce; people way out put work before other types of activities. But almost to a person, everyone who chooses to live remote - simply wants to be left alone and an essential skill or requirement of such an environment is to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible. That goal is NOT the reality, however as some projects/jobs require more than one person. So helping others & knowing who can/will help you... is needed. That really does take time.
I lived alone out here for several years, before my D moved in. First time ever living alone. The structure of her life kinda disintegrated and she needed a place to regroup. (She spent at least half her teen years with me on the first homestead.) She ended up staying with a new SO. She now has her own house and I've added a huge chunk of natural woodland as a buffer from others in the area. The movers asked if I was afraid to live out here by myself (I'm a few years older than you). I just laughed. I know how to live around the wildlife and despite the fact that my hunters have shot a black bear here... I have yet to see one, because I don't attract them. It's people who are unpredictable and more predatory, in my mind. So I can defend myself against them, too. That seques nicely into the connection with the trauma I experienced 50 some years ago. It's all here somewhere. LOLOLOL.
It all came out in bits & bobs; lots of rambling too and mental drifting.... sometimes in all caps; sometimes very very quietly.
Do you think you can talk to your hubby and ask him about some of the things that are bothering you? Is it possible he reacted so nastily, because the reality of maybe not having you around, doing for him, scared the livin' bejesus out of him? And he really doesn't have the skills to barely take care of himself - much less another person? (I'm not projecting here; it really is something I've been noticing in some people around me - so I ask, as sort of a process of elimination.)
Hopalong:
Hi Phyll --
Couple of rambling, bare-bones or brass-tacks questions:
Did you buy this house to make W happy (his dream?) or did you both share the same vision of where you'd like to live?
Do you have any friends or family within reach to support or help you?
If not, do you have any interests, faith or politics or community volunteer efforts you'd be involved in if you weren't in recovery mode? (Or could look forward to?)
If yes, do any of these exist nearby? (I'm thinking, build that village....)
I'm extremely sorry W gives himself permission to treat you that way. That has to stop.
I'm really glad the house is in your name.
Safety and support are the two biggest words for you going off in my mind right now.
And relief of pain.
hug
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version