I need help .......with my husband died

[Bettyanne]

I am having a hard time  almost a year later......since my husband died.  He was a kind and loving husband.  We both enjoyed being together.   
He was brought up in a alcoholic family.......when he died he was sober for the past 35 years.......omg I was so proud of him.  Its not easy when you come from what he did.  His parents made their own booz.......
I miss him everyday........
I miss talking-to him.....
I miss seeing him....
I miss him so so much...........
we were married almost 56 years and were together 4 years before that....plus six kids too........
Thank you dear friends for any replies..
Love, Bettyanne

[lighter]

I'm so sorry you're missing your darling husband so much, (((Bettyeanne.)))

He sounds like an amazing person and husband..... father.....to have have shared a life with.
 Sober 35 years is something to be proud of.  You were lucky to have each other. 

You know we're always here for you.  Feel free to share any favorite moments with Bill....anything you miss in particular.  If you speak with him.... tell him everything you'd like to share with him,.... tell him about who you are, now..... that might be helpful for you.  Or write letters to him....just to get it out and put it into the world so it's not bouncing around inside...... it can come into the light, with you.


If you haven't found any 3D support, I hope you do.  There are many people going through what you're going through. At different stages, able to share what's helped them.  Having someone in 3D, along with us and your children, might be helpful, dear one.

What are your days like?  How are you doing, Bettanne?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hi Bettyanne --
So glad you checked in but I'm very sorry to hear your sorrow, natural as it is.

I think you may hear from other widowed people that there is a special wave of grief on or around "anniversaries" -- and here you are about a year after losing your dear Bill. I imagine it's so painful, but he's right there next to your heart.

I like what Lighter suggests about sharing Bill stories, even if we all wipe away some tears along with you. I'd love to hear more about him. What a brave man, to be sober for 35 years.

I'll bet part of the reason he did that was he so wanted to enjoy more of his life with you.

How is your living situation? Still with your daughter?

Sometimes it can help to talk about the daily stuff, too.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Bettyanne - yes, it can still hurt after a year or three or more. (And no, it doesn't HAVE to - and no, that doesn't mean you loved any less. Everyone processes loss differently.) Grief won't make you insane if you let it wash over you when it comes up. Give it it's due; feel it; understand that the measure of grief is equal to your capacity to love.

And in time, at your own pace, turn your inner sight from mourning what is in the past toward who you are now and want to be in the future. It doesn't dishonor what was; what meant so much to you; to turn back toward life, love & living your best "now".

There isn't much help in trying to block thoughts and feelings of you and Bill. But neither do you gain much by hanging on so tight to them that you squeeze the life out what was an important relationship and prevent yourself from taking this opportunity to grow into this new phase of "you". (That's not selfish, self-absorbed, or any of that. You are here and he is not; he is not coming back - you have to take care of, nurture, and comfort yourself now.)

IMO - for what it's worth - Hops' suggestion about joining a support group for surviving spouses has merit and opportunity. Meeting new people, hearing their stories about the loss and how they process it, and what they're doing now... can be strengthening and give you new perspective.

I can tell you my process, but since I found love again (and I have some ideas about why that happened; maybe fantasies is a better word) I wasn't sure you have the interest in hearing about it. It was 3 years after losing Mike when it happened. And 5 years later, I don't love Mike any less - but he's no longer in my life; and I was perfectly content to live out the end of my days without another man. I didn't have a completely detailed plan of what I was going to do during that time. I didn't really have any inclinations toward anything other than making the farm a reality. Loving Buck, doesn't take any shred of love away from what Mike & I had. It's different! B is different; I'm different... than I was when I met M and during the 15 years together.

[Phyll]

Hi Bettyanne,

I'm new to the group and am glad to hear about the wonderful life you enjoyed with your husband. I too grew up in an alcoholic home, and have enjoyed over 32 years of sobriety.  I have not been lucky at love however, and that is in a large part why I am here.

I am going to a funeral service this weekend.  My brother lost his wife shortly after their 51st anniversary and he is so sad.  It must be devastating to lose someone who was such a big part of your life.

Grief comes in waves IME, and I have learned it helps to embrace it.  Thank you for reaching out and sharing how you feel.  The Hero Members here have made some great suggestions, and I too would love to hear more about your life with Bill.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Bettyanne,

One of my dear long-term patients who lost his adult son some eight years ago found this book to be the most accurate and compelling:

It's OK That You're Not OK--Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine

https://smile.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076/ref=sr_1_1?crid=39PC6C8SG5HGB&dchild=1&keywords=it%27s+ok+that+you%27re+not+ok&qid=1630012113&sprefix=it%27s+ok+that%2Caps%2C183&sr=8-1

He gave me a copy, and I very much appreciated it.  Early in her marriage, the author lost her husband in a drowning accident, so she knows firsthand about grief and aloneness.

Thinking of you,

Richard

[Bettyanne]

Thank you so so much for your reply and I did get the book you mentioned. 
So grateful for be back here again.......I have been having a hard time with the loss of my Bill.....
Bettyanne

[Bettyanne]

Here I go again.........when I was 20 my dad died.......my mother said to me I am so glad he s dead.......my dad was a sweet nice person......but she wasn't .......I would look at her and say OMG this woman never gets anything.
I may have said this before........I had a brother 3 years older then me who never walked or talked and took convulsions weekly.  Omg it was pathetic and she left him to the care of her elderly mother.......I remember my grandmother falling trying to carry him outside.  She ended up in the hospital......but she wasn't all together either.  My mother and her were not the loving type at all......my grandmother yelled a lot too......
My mother was going to work 5 days in a office and Saturdays in a department store office.......
I feel she did anything not to be at home.
My dad made a good income but that didn't matter, she was escaping no matter what.
My dad lived to 51 and my mother almost made 101......how sick was that.
Life was crazy in my home as a kid........my dad sleeping with me and my brother
my mother sleeping in sofa bed??? and my grandmother had her own room, omg
I am older now myself 78 and all these memories have come back.......
I don't know what you call it but I feel it was awful what was gong on......sick to be exact.
My dad died, 4 months later my brother died and her mother/grandmother died in September.....'
My mother was free at last ........
It was sickening to me always......oh I forgot to mention, I was put in an ballgirls school for ten years I hated it....my mother wouldn't let me out of it.......get going she would say.......yuck

[Hopalong]

Those are such sad memories, (((Bettyanne))).
I'm so sorry they haunt you -- I'd be haunted too, remembering that. You deserved love and a warm, peaceful home. I'm so sorry you had an unhappy one.

I wonder what might help you most so you can sit with your happiest memories of Bill, or your children when they were little? Or your favorite pets?

We can't always order our minds what to do, though. I can't always control my thoughts either. I do argue with my darker thoughts sometimes. I'll try to tell myself stuff like: This is today, Monday, just today and now. Or, I'll tell myself -- change the subject. Or, I'm here right now and I'm alive.

Do you have those debates inside sometimes? Can't always win, but sometimes (for me anyway) it feels like it's worth a try and it helps. Other times, it feels pointless.

You're grieving your very long-time dear one, Bill, and as Doc G says, rushing grief or trying to express it in a culture that doesn't understand, makes you feel lonelier still. I've worked through a lot of grief about my D I couldn't express fully anywhere other than here, for a very long time. So I hope you'll write about your loss here all you want to. This place and these patient people absolutely saved me.

I hear how sad you are about your brother especially, and how your childhood was. How your mother was not there for you at all. What is a ballgirls' school?

I'd be interested in any stories you have to tell, Bettyanne. Good to hear your voice.

hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

((((Bettyanne))) Hugs and hot tea and compassion..... all I can carry to your heart, dear one.

Your Mother was broken and disordered and she couldn't do better, bc she would have if she could.  What happened to you and your brother and father was unfair and toxic and harmful....... it will never make any sense, bc it makes zero sense.  It's disordered behavior and your mother couldn't do better.

It will never be fair or OK and you were robbed, as was your brother. 

Grieve and feel the sadness...... it belongs, just as the joy you've created belong.

My hope is you feel the warmth of happiness more often than you feel the curse your mother left behind. It IS behind you, but it's  imposed over your present moments.... so unfair, once again.  A good trauma informed therapist might be able to help leave it in the past, bc you're so deserving, ((((Bettyanne.))))

Lighter

[Bettyanne]

I need to correct something.  I misspelt  a word.......I was put in a all girl school at age 9, run by nuns and everything was about silence.  And how you sat in your chair in the class room.  It was awful I hated it, truly hated it and my bitch of a mother would not let me out of this situation at all.......it was like I was a bad girl and I needed to be in a reformatory school.....that's what I thought of the school....I graduated from 8th grade to the 9th within the same grounds the high school existed.  I hated it too...I felt like life was about being obedient to nuns all the time......anyway I graduated from the Catholic High School....all girls all girls.......So I had a retarded brother at home and craziness that never ended. 
I finally met a boy and his name Was Bill and I called him Billy......the best thing that ever happened to me. 
My mother was a control freak.....I really don't know what my dad saw in her?????????????????????????
She was only nice when she was doing what she wanted..........As I said before my dad dies at 51 and my mother at almost 101......
The sad part was she could me in her spiders nest........doing things for her.......I won't continue to go on about her but I realize now that was it.........I was caught and so was my husband Bill .......doing things for her...
That was my mistake and the biggest one of my life......today at age 78 I see it and know it was true....
I think I had bad counseling because I should have been told to get away from her early on........
I see and know it myself today......
Life teaches us lessons..

[Bettyanne]

I meant to say Thank you for all your kindness in responding........to me.
Bill truly was the best thing to happen to me after losing my dad......my retarded brother and my grandmother up and down about her.
My mother was truly a sicko........she was never really a mother to me. 

Trying to put  her to side now........life wasn't easy with my so called mother........she put me in day care after giving birth to me......so five years.......day care......two years first grade.....no kindergarten as it didn't fit her work schedule.
 and you know the rest above.

Bill and I had six children.........again she interfered.......

Bill was the best thing to ever happen to me........we loved each other and I still love him so much

Thanks.........Bettyanne

[Phyll]

Oh Bettyanne.  Such a sad childhood.  Your Mother was very sick, and then to be controlled by Nuns.   Thank God for Bill coming into your life.  I see how you miss him so. Are your six children in your life? 

[Bettyanne]

Hi........
Some are move involved then others.........but I am grateful to have them.....I think my mother was a self centered individual but to be her daughter was awful......I guess I learned early on not to say much back to her because she would take it out on me.  I don't think she should have ever married or had children......she was so off and working seem to be the only thing that made her somewhat sane??? if you want to call her that!!!!! to being so so self centered.....

I honestly don't know how my father did living with her......it was her way or the highway......old saying......omg

He died when he was 51 and I often think God took him to get him away from her??? my retarded brother died a few days before I got married.......and her mother a month after I was married.......she was mad a me again and said I had my husband and she had nobody........omg what did I have to do with them dying?? 
She was a bitch as far as I was concerned.......but she had me hooked as I look back on it now.........for the next 35 years my husband who she hated drove her on weekends to a shrine, where she made money for them.........they praised her for doing this......at age 100 almost 101 she died....in 2012.....
I now she how controlled I was by her.......since birth........I could go on and on......its what I do now since my dear husband died that needs to be better then my past with her.....
I will say here she was nice to my six children I call it being a real fake.......and awful to me,,,nice when she wanted something.......
OMG what a lesson I learned...........big time......
Love and thank you all for your kindness here .........
Bettyanne xoxo

[Bettyanne]

Just adding here: her birthday was Friday the 13, of September 1911.........
I think that tells it all??